Of Friendship Between Man And Woman
by Naamah Beherit
Summary: Two people, two years, two suicide missions and one eternal truth - there's no such thing like friendship between man and woman. *** Story focused on femShepard/Garrus relationship, may contain spoilers if you didn't play ME2. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's note: This is my first fanfiction I decided to publish. I plan to have my attempt at describing relationship between Shepard and Garrus Vakarian, from the very beginning (yes, it means ME1) until the end ('cause there's never too many femShepxGarrus stories, right?). If you take your time for constructive criticism and any hints for the future chapters, I'll appreciate that. _

_For those who want to skip the beginning, ME2 part starts in the chapter 8.  
_

_I hope you'll enjoy._

_Disclaimer: BioWare owns everything related to ME and ME2. Unfortunately, they own Garrus too. Probably that's better for him..._

* * *

**Of Friendship Between Man And Woman**

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.**  
**

The C-Sec Academy was unusually quiet. No visitors hanging around, no officers hurrying somewhere to do something. Just like a calm before the storm. But in fact the storm was already over. At least for now.

"Working with you was a real pleasure, detective Vakarian" Commander Jane Shepard shook her hand with him. It was a strange human gesture, but Garrus got used to it after the years spent in C-Sec. Fully expected for a soldier, too, and she probably was a soldier to the core. He saw it in her eyes and the way she stood.

"The pleasure is all mine, ma'am" he said with a contentment in his vibrating voice. "I'm really glad to see that the Council finally did _something _to make Saren answer for his crimes."

He noticed a smile on her face, which quickly appeared and disappeared even quicker. Oh yeah, soldier to the very core. No emotions on the surface.

"They should've never stonewalled your investigation, detective…" Shepard hesitated as if she'd like to say something more, but looked at the two Alliance soldiers accompanying her and closed her mouth. Garrus glanced at them – both, man and woman, seemed to be tired and annoyed, more and more as this conversation was being prolonged. Oh yes, the grudges of the First Contact War were still somewhere in the dust between humans and turians.

"I won't keep you any longer, Commander" mandibles of his jaw moved slightly in a turian equivalent of smile. "Good hunting."

"Thanks" she smiled, for a bit longer that time, and turned away. Garrus was watching her leaving for a brief moment, then sighed and headed to his office. Paperwork awaited.

* * *

People started coming by and congratulating him as soon as the news of Saren being stripped of his Spectre status began to spread around. Garrus was grinning like an idiot – hell yeah, he was extremely proud after all; the case he was investigating turned out to be presumably the biggest scandal of the decade – and trying not to show his co-workers that the timing of their visits really wasn't right. He knew he just had to close the door of his office and focus on work, but he couldn't do that. Almost everyone at C-Sec doubted him. Most of them didn't even believe that Saren might go rouge. And he, Garrus Vakarian, prove them wrong. Now he had his five minutes of glory but he suddenly realised that it didn't matter. There was only one thing that mattered – he wanted to go after Saren. Vakarian wanted him to pay for everything he had done. For ruining the good name of all the turians.

And he knew he wasn't able to do it.

At least the Council had sent the right person after that traitor. Probably the _only _one who could track him down.

"Officer Vakarian?" he heard the voice of woman who worked as an assistant for him and four another C-Sec officers.

"Yes, what's wrong?"

"Executor Pallin wants to speak with you" she announced and disappeared as quietly as she came in. She returned almost immediately, though. "Now, officer Vakarian. He said it's urgent."

Garrus sighed and stood up. He looked at is personal computer and sighed again. He wasn't even in the middle of his paperwork and now he doubted that he'd be able to finish it that evening. Whatever Pallin wanted, it couldn't be just a short, friendly conversation. They rarely were short and never friendly.

"You know, Garrus..." he suddenly heard his assistant speaking, "I can do that paperwork for you."

"What would you want in exchange?" the turian asked suspiciously. Woman smiled and he realised that he even didn't remember her name.

"Nothing big, really" her smile widened. "Just a little drink or two this evening."

His mandibles twitched. Holy crap, she was asking him out on a date and he didn't believe when his co-workers said she had a crush on him. Vakarian was aware that the turian females found him attractive, but how was even possible that the human females thought so as well? That was... somewhat disturbing.

"No, thanks" he managed to say finally. "That's what I have to do myself."

"Pity" his assistant shrugged. "But think about that drink, would you?"

"Yeah... Yeah, certainly."

Woman smiled again.

"See you in the evening then."

Wait, what? Did he say '_yes_'? Garrus was pretty certain he didn't. He felt that his mandibles were quivering in embarrassment, so he quickly excused himself and hurried to Pallin's office. He found Executor sitting in his chair and working, as it seemed to be happening all the time.

"Vakarian" Pallin said without giving him a look, "sit, please."

He sat with no word or change in his facial expression, silently wondering what this was all about. He doubted, though, if Executor wanted to congratulate him.

"You are being given a leave, Vakarian" the other turian announced at last. Garrus felt his jaw dropping. "Monthly at first, but it'll be extended if needed. Of course C-Sec is going to pay you your sala—"

"I proved that the best Spectre became a criminal and all you have for me is a forced leave?" Garrus interrupted. Pallin scowled at those words.

"Believe me, I don't like it either. However, the leave is only the official cover. Unofficially, you have been reassigned."

"Reassigned..." Vakarian repeated when part of his anger shifted into confusion. "Reassigned where?"

Executor shrugged. "I can't tell you. All you have to know is that you're meeting your new boss at C-Sec hall tomorrow at 1000 of the Citadel time. You're supposed to take your most necessary belongings with you."

Garrus nodded and stood up, intending to get the hell out of this office. Maybe he'd even go to that ridiculous date with a human female.

"Vakarian?" Pallin said suddenly. "Whatever happens, make C-Sec proud. I know you can do this."

The younger turian nodded again and left. He knew the Executor wasn't that stupid to think Garrus would believe him.

* * *

Instead of returning to his office, Garrus went home. He realised that being on effective-immediately-leave probably meant he should finish the paperwork anyway, but he couldn't care less. As the first shock had passed, the curiosity began to rise and finally the thought of the reassignment was eating him alive.

Why would anyone request this? And who would that be? Was it because of his investigation or something else?

Too many doubts. Too many uncertainties.

Vakarian growled in annoyance and packed those few things he decided to take with him – including his sniper rifle he wasn't allowed to use during the work at C-Sec. After that he started pacing around his apartment, for he had no idea what to do now. The turian had no intention of having that drink with his assistant, despite that he earlier was considering it as possible. It was just... wrong. And he was in no mood for dealing with crowds.

Right now, all he could do was hoping that the reassignment would be better than the work at C-Sec. In fact, there weren't many things that might be actually _worse _than work at C-Sec. In his opinion, there was just one job restricted with more red tape than the position of an investigator at the Citadel police forces, and there was no way he could suddenly become the councillor representing the Turian Empire.


	2. Chapter 2

So there he was, at the C-Sec Academy hall, after a sleepless night full of thoughts and doubts. He already received five calls from his colleagues and three from his assistant – in addition to eleven last evening and night.

Garrus didn't answer any of them. The official story about his leave should be widely known for now and most of those calls probably related to his unfinished paperwork. He couldn't hold back a smile. It wasn't his problem anymore, at least for the next month.

Vakarian sighed and continued to watch people running around with crates and supplies. He recognised that they wore the Alliance military uniforms. It seemed like the crew was preparing for a longer mission – altough they were unusually excited. Garrus didn't remember if he was exhilarated even once during his service in the turian military, but he couldn't understand now how it was possible to complain about the military life. He kept doing so all the time, considering it as the very peak of boredom. Then work at C-Sec came, turned out to be even more boring than the turian national forces and he was...

"Detective Vakarian?"

Garrus blinked and forced his mind to return to the reality, only to see Commander Shepard standing in front of him. She was carrying three metal boxes, two of the same length and one shorter, all of them black and marked with the sign of the Council. The turian couldn't help but notice that she looked so fragile without her armour. And she was smiling at him, raising her left eyebrow crossed by small, old scar.

Realisation hit him.

"Commander" Garrus nodded, trying hard to restrain his hopes and suffering a bitter defeat in that battle.

"I assume you're ready?" she asked, pointing his suitcase.

"I am, ma'am" Vakarian confirmed, "but I must ask..."

"Why do I want to take you on this mission?" Shepard interrupted, encouraging him to follow her into the elevator. "You're already investigating Saren so I decided to give you the opportunity to finish the job. And when you borrowed my sniper rifle back there in the alley, when we're rescuing Tali..."

She looked straight into his blue eyes.

"I've never seen a better sniper, Vakarian."

Garrus was immensely grateful to the universe that the turians couldn't blush. His mandibles, however, were quivering in something between pride and embarrassment. Hopefully she couldn't read turian facial expressions.

"I've figured out that we have much in common so there will no problems in cooperation" Shepard shrugged and suddenly gave him a wry smile. "Besides, I've always dreamt of having a flying zoo. Got the ship, the krogan and the quarian, only lacked the turian."

"You need to know that I can't stand being caged for long" Vakarian laughed.

"I'll keep that in mind" Commander's smirk became a full-scale grin. "Oh, I almost forgot... I've got something for you. Being a Spectre _really_ does have its advantages."

Garrus curiously took one of the bigger boxes she handed to him. He opened it and lost his ability to speak.

"I decided to equip my crew with the best weapons I could find" Jane explained. "You can close your mouth now, Vakarian. It's real. And it's for you, as I said."

The turian was still staring at the most beautiful sniper rifle he'd even seen. It appeared to be perfect and all he wanted now was to take it, aim and shoot, just to be sure that the perfection isn't just visual.

"Commander, I..." he shook his head and closed the box. "How much..."

"Not my money" Shepard shrugged again. "The Council gave me funds for this missions so you don't owe me anything. Just put it into a good use."

"You don't have to worry about that."

* * *

She gave him the tour around the ship, introducing Garrus to the crewmen he had to know – to navigator Pressly, Shepard's XO, who greeted him politely and _very _coldly, to the mess sergeant, who seemed to be the most indifferent human in this galaxy, to the medical officer, doctor Chakwas, who – as for the human – turned out to be surprisingly nice and helpful, and finally to the crazy pilot of the ship, guy she called Joker. Vakarian doubted if it was his real name, but no one ever referred to the man differently, thus he did so as well.

The _Normandy _took off soon after the turian came on board. The travelled smoothly through the vast universe, heading towards a planet called Noveria. According to the Council's intel, matriarch Benezia, the asari ally of Saren, was last seen on that planet. Shepard wanted to get there before the trail could go cold. She gave the orders and disappeared in the captain's cabin. Garrus noticed that her physical absence didn't change the atmosphere on the ship. The crew was still excited and yet nervous at the same time. He had no clue why and didn't connect it with Commander at first. As the time passed, he started to realise that most of the people on the _Normandy_ were afraid of Jane Shepard. The turian was somewhat interested in the reasons and also prepared himself for revising his first impression of the woman. She was very civil while talking to him and he got the feeling that she was truly impressed by his skills – she told him so, after all. Of course he didn't believe in everything he was told, but she acted pretty sincere then. He was also taught to trust his commanding officers. He didn't often agree with them, but he trusted them. It was an inseparable part of the turian culture.

On the other hand, Garrus was pleasantly surprised how tightly Shepard ran the ship. Although everyone could speak with her, give her new ideas or solve any problem, yet it was still within the rules and regulations of the Alliance military personnel. Commander made her daily routine of checking the crew in the mornings, sharing few words with those who wanted to and listening to possible complaints or requests. Then she did the necessary debriefings and later buried herself with reports, paperwork and whatever else commanding officer had to do. In the evenings she was back to speak with her non-human crew once more. She always smiled and seemed almost happy then, so Vakarian still had no idea why the Alliance soldiers feared her.

And the truth was that Garrus didn't really care. He had no intention in extensive understanding or a close professional relations between her and himself. She took him on this mission and he was grateful, she offered him chance to pursue Saren and he was going to do his best. Nothing else mattered now, but he felt a seed of curiosity deep inside his mind. All the efforts to extinguish that seed turned out to be pointless and Vakarian was immensely and utterly pissed off at that weakness of his will. His only hope was that it wouldn't affect the mission.

Hopefully.

Probably.

...it won't, right?

* * *

Noveria turned out to be a frozen, hostile world. The planetary flight control greeted them with a generous offer of shooting the _Normandy _down, but the situation was saved by Shepard's Spectre status. They were currently successfully docked in Port Hanshan. Commander took Lieutenant Alenko and Gunnery Chief Williams with her as a shore party and left about four hours ago. Most of the crewmen were also given a permission for a shore leave, but not a single one took that opportunity. Those few hours were enough for the _Normandy _to become cold despite the life support and air conditioning. No one risked going out, knowing that it was so much colder outside.

Garrus stopped working on the Mako after the first hour for he almost couldn't move his fingers. He wasn't sick of cold yet, but the moment when his body was going to collapse from the lack of proper temperature was getting close.

Tali soon came out of the engineering room and suggested having a hot drink. They were both dextro-amino DNA, thus she was the only one he could share the same meals and drinks with. That fact also put them on a quick way to something similar to friendship. Not so long ago Wrex started to join them while talking and suddenly the three of them began to seek more closure with each other than with the rest of the crew. Garrus was aware of the dangers of such a course of action, but he didn't think the change was necessary. He saw no point in keeping a close contact with the humans and was more eager to stay in touch with other races during the mission. To be honest, Vakarian never was into friends, neither in the turian military, nor at C-Sec. He always preferred to work alone, as well as not to become involved in any kind of relationship – friendly or not. It was something he had learnt during his military years, but problems with his father probably also were a reason of him being so distanced. Yet now, after all those years, he found himself yearning for having a friend. Not dozens of them, just one, real friend.

He didn't see Tali or Wrex in this role, though.

The krogan was nowhere to be seen now, so Garrus and Tali had their hot drink together and headed to the bridge after that. Joker sat in his seat as he always did, sipping coffee and glaring at the view outside the ship. He was so consumed by his thoughts that almost jumped hearing their footsteps.

"Oh" he mumbled, "hey guys. What are you doing up here?"

"Nothing special" Tali shrugged. "Just having some free time."

"I'd offer you a seat, sweetheart, but you know... with those bones of mine..." Garrus could swear that Joker blushed.

"No problem, Joker" there was a pure liking for him in Tali's voice.

"Sooo..." pilot cleared his throat. "Whaddya think about my baby?"

Vakarian had no idea what the hell he was talking about. The quarian laughed at his words, though.

"She's beautiful" she admitted. "Probably the best ship I've ever been on."

Oh. So it was all about the _Normandy_. How was it possible for Joker to call the ship _my baby_, he had no clue. The turian considered briefly that the reason for it might be pilot's sickness.

"Glad you can see that" Joker grinned and looked at Garrus. "And you, our fearless cop? Do you like it here?"

Vakarian felt his mandibles twitching in surprise. _Our fearless cop_? What the hell? Do the crewmen think about him like that?

"Well" he answered finally, "she's fine. Although I'd like what the _Normandy _ can do in a fight. It's the best opportunity to be sure what the ship is really capable of."

"Geez, man" pilot's eyes widened. "Are you serious? 'Cause I don't know anyone who'd like space fights."

"I'm not a big fan either, but we'd know then what would have to be removed, adjusted or added to the systems."

"Yeah, I can see now why Shepard chose you" Joker scowled. "You're just as cold as she is."

"Shepard? Cold?" that apparently almost shocked Tali. "Don't be ridiculous. She's happy each time I see her."

"She may seem happy, but look into her eyes next time. She's cold. Heartless and frozen like this damned planet. I wonder if she was always like that or if it's a side effect of Torfan."

"Torfan?" Tali asked. "What's that?"

Garrus looked at Joker carefully. He definitely wanted to know why Commander was feared and it looked now was the time for him to satisfy his curiosity.

"It's the planet where Shepard was sent on a mission few years ago" pilot took another sip of his coffee as his gaze clouded. "Her commanding officer ordered her to remove the last stand of batarian slavers on that planet. She took a whole squad along, all of them were damned good marines, trained in battles and used to fight standing in pools of their own blood. Those slavers bunkered themselves in some heavily guarded facility. It was a suicide mission, but Shepard didn't care. She sent them in an assault, one by one, and did so herself in a last wave. None of batarians survived, she slaughtered even those who surrendered. Also almost none of our soldiers made it alive. That's the story. She sent them to their deaths and she was fully aware of that."

"So what?" Vakarian blinked, confused and unsatisfied. "That's the duty of commanding officer. To get the job done."

"And become The Butcher of Torfan in the process?" Joker said with a blatant mockery in his voice. Tali folded her arms.

"Garrus is right, Shepard had to do that" she announced.

"By all means?!" it looked like pilot couldn't believe in what she was saying.

"The end justifies the means" the turian stated as a simple fact.

"Now I'm terrified" Joker rolled his eyes. "I guess if you were a human, she'd be sleeping with you already."

Garrus didn't answer. None of words coming to his mind were right to say.

"Why is she so lonely?" Tali looked at pilot. "There appears to be a wall between her and the rest of your crew."

"Nothing weird, really" he shrugged and put his cup on the console. Vakarian didn't consider it as a smart move. "Would you like to make friends with a woman who'd send you to the certain death if she had to?"

"I could separate the woman from what she does as a commanding officer" Tali's answer took Joker by surprise. There was a moment of silence in the cockpit when he was considering her words.

"Maybe you're right" he murmured absentmindedly. "Thanks, Tali."

Garrus could tell that the quarian was smiling under the mask of her environmental suit. He did so too – he had no idea why the Alliance crewmen saw Commander only through her duties and were blind to what kind of woman she was.

And despite his decision of trying to be purely professional, he was more and more certain that Jane Shepard was worth of throwing oneself into the fire.


	3. Chapter 3

They were fighting their way through hordes of the geth for almost three hours now. Feros was a mess, a galactic hole of debris and ruins, full of creepy colonists. When Garrus saw them, when he heard them speaking with Shepard – or rather Shepard trying to get something useful and coherent from them – he felt a cold shiver running down his spine. There was something just wrong about them, something he couldn't explain, but what caused almost primal fear inside him. The turian was sure he saw a similar feeling in Commander's eyes. Wrex on the other hand said or showed nothing, although he seemed a bit nervous too. Aware of the tension in the squad, Shepard had wanted to make a quick ride through the ruins of the Prothean buildings Feros was covered with, albeit the geth spoiled her plans. So they struggled to make it to the ExoGeni headquarters, they reached their destination – the majestic stone building sunken in the sea of clouds – and now they were trying to go back. They had the Thorian to kill.

Vakarian was a bit surprised when Shepard asked him to join her on this mission. She made it clear – a lot of fight was expected and she needed a sniper. Wrex was also coming with them – he and Commander were to make a cover fire, allowing Garrus to decimate the geth fast and clearly. The turian disagreed at first – leaving Alenko and Williams behind and going ashore with two non-humans could be not acceptable for the crew and thus it was a possibility of disrupting the fragile loyalty Shepard had among them – but Jane interrupted him in the middle of the word, said that's an order and left, letting him prepare his weapons and armour.

The previous mission on Noveria turned out to be quite successful. Matriarch Benezia told them some important things before she died, however there was that problematic issue with a rachni queen. It was the matter that _really _unsettled the crew. Some of them were convinced that letting her go was a mistake, but the rest was pretty surprised when Commander announced she wouldn't destroy the entire race. Garrus could tell that Joker started to talk to her – apparently he took his time on considering the conversation the three of them had. The turian wasn't entirely sure what he thought about the rachni queen himself, but now it wasn't the time for that. Now he had to focus on the mission.

That was pretty hard since they saw the Thorian. Whoever had called that... _thing _a plant, had to be out of his mind.

"That was not covered by my training manuals" Garrus tried to joke. Shepard looked at him, but her stressed expression didn't change.

"Do you really think it may be a training manual preparing for _this_?" she answered and took her assault rifle in the hand. "Stay sharp, people, and watch the creepers."

Oh yes, the Thorian creepers. Vakarian had never seen creatures like those, but it didn't matter. Shot, they died. It was all he had to know now, because that wasn't the best moment to think about what kind of twisted twin of good, old, galactic Mother Nature decided to have fun and aeons ago created something so alien like the Thorian. Or maybe it wasn't alien those days...

Their ears were hurting from the noise of their weapons, their legs were killing them because of the constant going to and out the cover. Yet they were managing, slowly climbing up one floor after another, killing the Thorian creepers alongside some wicked asari clones and feeling the strong nausea caused by the Thorian's stench. Wrex was mumbling something to himself, Garrus held his mandibles close to his jaw and Shepard looked horrible, her armour covered with green blood of the creepers. For every shot at the Thorian's neural node, tenth more time was wasted on the fight with those damned zombies.

It was on the fifth floor where Shepard stood in the best place to shoot at the last neural node of the creature hanging, stinking and whining behind them. She took a shotgun, aimed and fired twice, destroying the thick line of nerves which held that twisted being in its place. If Garrus had any doubts the Thorian was sentient, the cry it gave removed them all. That freak of nature fell down the Prothean ruins, howling and shouting in its own language no one could understand. Vakarian saw that Shepard sighed in relief, holstered her shotgun and leaned against the wall. She looked tired, all of them were exhausted, but the adrenaline still were running through their veins and probably that's what saved Commander's life.

Garrus spotted the charging creeper out of the corner of his eye, but was too tired and slow to catch it. The creature bumped into Shepard at its full speed. Most likely it wasn't intelligent enough to plan something what would really hurt her, it just acted. The problem was that Commander stood almost at the edge of the terrace and she didn't have a chance to dodge. The creeper ended up punched by her and followed its master on the way down the hole. Jane lost the short battle to regain her balance and fell too, a grimace of surprise and mild amusement on her face.

Garrus didn't waste the time on thinking, he just threw himself forward and somehow managed to catch her hand. One moment of realisation – _now both of us are going to die, how clever of you, Vakarian _– and there was an explosion of burning pain in his leg. Suddenly, they were hanging in the air, Shepard somehow curled up around the turian's arm while he was held by cursing Wrex.

The krogan succeeded in pulling them back onto the terrace and now he leaned against the wall dangerously close to the edge.

"Careful, Wrex" Shepard murmured, lying half on the floor, half on Garrus' chest. "May be more creepers here and we won't be able to catch you."

"You almost pulled my leg out, krogan" Vakarian growled between deep breaths. His lungs seemed to be filled with molten fire.

"You're welcome" Wrex said nonchalantly and Jane started to giggle. Garrus raised his head and looked at the woman, not exactly sure what he should do.

"I'm not a pillow, Commander" he informed her at last. Apparently it was the wrong thing to say, because Shepard's giggles intensified.

"If you're planning to have a quick, friendly sex right now, just let me know, I'll wait round the corner" Wrex looked almost as confused as Garrus. The turian sighed and waited until she stopped laughing and finally stood up, trying to compose herself. He rose too, his leg hurt like hell and his whole body cried in dull pain.

"Let's get back to the _Normandy_" Shepard said at last, her voice shaking. "I need a shower."

"Right behind you, Commander" Vakarian mumbled and followed her steps.

* * *

Garrus was sitting near the Mako, not having any strength to work. Few hours passed since they had returned. Shepard quickly debriefed them, sent report to the Council and ran to the bathroom. Doctor Chakwas on the other hand called him and Wrex to the medical bay to examine and treat any potential wound, and gave painkillers to Vakarian for the torn muscles in his leg. The turian wasn't mad at Wrex, he knew that if not him, he'd be dead.

So he was sitting, resting and letting his body to recover after the mission which was actually far longer and tougher than he anticipated, yet nothing he couldn't handle after all those years spent in the turian military and at C-Sec.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps behind him and started to turn around, but fatigued muscles didn't work too well.

"Hey" Shepard stood there, an uncertain smile on her face. "Got a minute?"

"Absolutely, commander" Garrus gave her a turian smile and moved, making a place for her. She sat and sighed. And then was silence. "Is something wrong, ma'am?" he asked finally.

"I..." Jane sighed again at looked at her feet. "It's extremely hard for me so please, don't ask and don't interrupt. I... I wanted to thank you for saving my life. I'd never expect you to do this and I'm really, _really _grateful. I didn't suppose that anyone of my crew would endanger his life in order to save mine, far less someone like you who doesn't even know me. Thank you. Thank you so much."

Garrus' mandibles twitched in surprise and something what seemed to be some kind of pride.

"You don't have to thank me, Commander" he said at last. "It was a normal thing to save your life. Why wouldn't I do that? Why would I let you die?"

"I'm glad I had you with me then" she smiled sadly. "If that's the normal thing to you... I guess it has something to do with your famous turian honour, right?"

"I... huh" Vakarian shook his head. "I don't really know, Commander. Maybe. Are you really sure that your crew wouldn't save your life?"

"When it would come to risk their own lives? Pretty certain about some of them. Unsure about the rest" she shrugged. "You have to know that I've become their commanding officer not so long ago. They're not yet as loyal as they should be. And my past doesn't help."

"I don't understand that, maybe it's a human thing not to accept the duties and responsibilities of command."

"Or maybe it's because of that you grew up in another culture."

"Maybe it is."

"I was right then" Shepard smiled. "The turian honour."

Garrus laughed, his voice echoing among the walls of the cargo hold.

"Do you... uh..." Commander stood up suddenly. "I'm going to the mess hall, wanna join?"

Vakarian blinked rapidly and smiled at last. He remembered Tali talking about Shepard's loneliness and it was true. She was lonely indeed and he was probably as much solitary.

"Sure, lead a way."

"I hope I haven't spoiled your plans for this evening" Commander said in the elevator, it sounded like an apology.

"Not at all, ma'am" Garrus laughed a bit bitterly. "Mostly I don't have any plans."

"Just call me Shepard" she winked at him. "You've earned the eternal right to do so after saving my life."

"Very well" he agreed. "Let it work both ways, though. Calling me '_Vakarian_' reminds me too much of my father and I'd rather not think about him right now."

"Daddy issues, huh?" Commander sighed and exited from the elevator when it finally stopped after the excruciatingly slow ride. "They can be problematic."

"Yeah, he'll probably disinherit me if he knows that I'm on a mission with a Spectre."

Shepard gave him a strange look full of compassion.

"Daddy issues of the size of a planet. That sucks. But" she shrugged, "he'll change his mind after you get dozens of medals for saving the galaxy."

"You'll get those medals, we're just your crew" Garrus sat in front of her at the other side of the table, when she returned from the mess sergeant with a cup of tea in her hand.

"Don't be so negative, Garrus. You'll have your share in medals too. You're coming with me to kill Saren after all."

"Me?" the turian's mandibles quivered. "What about your squad? Williams and Alenko?"

"Because of Feros you've got a perpetual place in my squad. If you're okay with that" she added quickly. Vakarian opened his mouth, closed and opened it again.

"Of course I'm okay" he said finally. "Thank you. It's a... an honour. Really."

Shepard smiled at him and she was quiet for few moments.

"So..." Garrus cleared his throat. "What else does the '_perpetual place_' mean? Apart from the opportunity to kill Saren with a single bullet right into his barefaced head?"

"Oh, you know – saving the galaxy, killing mercs, rescuing virgins and answering all those damned distress calls" she laughed. Apparently she was in the habit of joking in unexpected moments.

"'_Rescuing virgins_'?" Vakarian repeated. "Good. I'm familiar with the virgins."

"No doubt about that" Commander gave him an unreadable look. He eyed her questioningly, but Jane just winked and laughed. She sighed soon and became more serious. "I've just got the impression that you're gonna be someone one day" she looked into his blue eyes. "You're smart, resourceful and you definitely deserve more than stonewalling at C-Sec. I've lived aboard the spaceships for my entire life and I'm sick of seeing people whose potential is wasted. I can make a difference now. Might as well start with you."

That left Garrus speechless. Before he could come up with an answer, Shepard blushed slightly and stood up.

"Sorry, I'm... uh... terrible at trying to make friends with people" she apologised and took a step back. "We're going to investigate some strange facilities tomorrow, so be ready in the morning. Good night."

"Shepard?" Vakarian called before Commander left the mess hall.

"Yes?" she turned around.

"I'm not very good at making friends either. We... Me and Tali often eat dinners in the cargo hold together. Maybe you can come instead of eating alone in your quarters? Just remember to bring your meal with you. Our food would probably make you sick."

The turian hadn't foreseen such a surprised and grateful smile on Shepard's face, and it made him certain he's doing the right thing.

"Yeah, sure, why not?" she agreed. "Gladly. And now go get some rest, Garrus. I need you tomorrow in case I'd fall down again."


	4. Chapter 4

What's the point in being so called '_expert on the Protheans_', when said expert's theories are based on feelings and '_years of dedicated research_'? In that case Garrus was sure he's an expert on sunrises and sunsets – all those years of devoted life, after all... He saw the same feelings in Shepard's eyes, when she was trying hard to be utterly nice towards doctor Liara T'Soni. Benezia's daughter – young, freckled and oh-so-delicate – gave them no information they wouldn't already have, and rescuing that asari cost them Shepard's twisted ankle, Garrus' broken arm and Wrex's shotgun. They were also close to end their mission in a stupid, although very spectacular way – Saren would probably laugh his head off at the news that his nemesis died in a volcano eruption.

"What else are you going to survive, Commander?" Chakwas had asked Jane, when she and Vakarian had been grounded in the med bay. Again.

"At the top of my list of unspeakable perils is a meeting with Garrus' father, I guess" she had laughed and glanced at the turian who had rolled his eyes.

"Hell, no" he had said firmly.

"You're not going anywhere from here without my permission, Commander" Chakwas had shaken her head and left the med bay.

Garrus hadn't even realised how lonely he really was before the circumstances brought him and Shepard together. It happened right after Feros. Commander was a bit confused and unsure when she started to come and talk, but the situation was saved by his own lack of interpersonal abilities. At the beginning their conversations were reduced to subjects concerning missions or the turian's well-being on the _Normandy_. Later they slowly turned their attention to the crew and answering Tali's question, Jane admitted that she was trying to seduce Alenko. Garrus expressed his concerns about possible problems she could get herself into for breaking the rules of fraternisation and she acknowledged it, but apparently didn't care at all. Finally the time had come to talk about themselves – their lives, families and their past, and Vakarian understood that she had been so much like him once: idealistic and despising injustice. Torfan changed it all, though, leaving only the bitter, ruthless and cynical wreckage in place of old Shepard. Eventually there was nothing left to talk about and they just worked together on the Mako, Garrus teasing Jane about her pitiful driving abilities, Jane telling Garrus that he's on the _Normandy_ not to drive women crazy, but to keep fixing that damned rover. The turian asked once or twice what did she really mean about '_driving women crazy_', but Shepard just laughed it off and left the question unanswered.

To be honest, Vakarian had no idea what Commander saw in Kaidan Alenko. That man was a whining mess, having some unresolved problems concerning his past. Polite, yes, but still the mess. The turian couldn't determine if Alenko was attractive to the human females, but he could well understand the need of one's body – and it was obvious that Shepard currently was in need. He shook his head and laughed to himself, silently wondering how quickly they became friends and how strong that friendship was. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was constantly cemented with their blood and toughened in the heat of the battle.

Garrus sighed, silenced his thoughts and ran another diagnostic with his omni-tool. Suspension of the Mako needed repairs –again. The next relic of one of those wild rides on plains and mountains of yet another uncharted world. Shepard the queen of all roads, damn it... He'll just no let her near the driving controls next time, no way.

He heard the hiss of the elevator door and someone's footsteps. Then low growling about '_useless teenagers_' and '_whining blue lesbians' _followed, and he realised that Shepard just had come from her conversation with Liara. The asari apparently didn't know that annoying Commander was a _really _bad idea.

"Leave her on the nearest planet" Wrex suggested, still pissed off about the shotgun he lost while running from the collapsing ruins on Therum.

"Council disagrees" Shepard scowled and punched one of the tyres of the Mako. "For cryin' out loud, am I supposed to be a soldier or a damned babysitter?"

"You'd make a good babysitter for my people" the krogan lowered his head and looked at her.

Commander growled again, this time more furiously, "You better shut up, Wrex. I'm not in a mood for your games."

"Go get drunk then. Or kill something."

"Frankly, that's what I'm gonna do" she looked at the turian who didn't even listen to them, occupied with the repairs. "Garrus! Suit up, we've got a work to do."

"What?" he blinked few times, forcing his mind to return to the reality. That damned suspension was on the edge of a permanent breakdown.

"Armour. Weapons. With me. Now."

"Me too?" the krogan asked and glanced at Vakarian putting the repair tools away and approaching his locker.

"No, you're staying here. Just me and Garrus."

"Shepard, what have you planned?" the turian asked suspiciously.

"Surprise" she grinned. "You'll see."

"Be careful, turian" Wrex chuckled devilishly. "You must know there's no such a thing like a friendship between man and woman."

"Get lost, krogan."

"Commander, ETA in three minutes" Joker announced through the intercom.

"Roger that, Joker" Shepard acknowledged and entered the elevator. "Meet me by the airlock, Garrus."

She pushed the button and the door closed. Vakarian sighed and narrowed his eyes, remembering Wrex's words.

"Do you want a hole in your big head?" he suggested kindly.

The krogan shrugged, "Not exactly."

"Have a fight or drop this subject" Ashley's voice reached them from behind. "'Cause I'm sick of hearing both of you."

"Was the tension always so strong or it's just because we're getting close to Saren?" Garrus asked her, but Williams just scowled and didn't say anything. He knew she never liked nor trusted him – or any other alien on board, to be specific. And she definitely wasn't happy with the fact that since Feros the turian accompanied Commander on every single mission.

He grabbed his rifle from the locker and took the elevator to the upper deck. Shepard was already waiting in the cockpit, chatting with Joker. He couldn't say if she made any progress in gaining trust of the crew, but at least the pilot started to respect her, maybe even like her a little. That was comforting.

Vakarian noticed that they stopped near an apparently abandoned ship, but he didn't have time to take close look for Commander turned away from her pilot and approached the airlock.

"Shall we?" she gestured towards currently open passage and encouraged him to proceed.

"I thought we're flying to Virmire."

"We _are _flying to Virmire" Jane admitted when they boarded the silent ship. Shredded containers and crates lay everywhere, lights were turned off and the only audible sounds were a low hum of life support systems and engines of the _Normandy_. "We're just... having a break" she looked at Garrus and moved forward deeper inside the ship.

"Is it... reasonable?"

"Oh yeah" she took her rifle and a opened door in front of them. "I keep my promises."

"What?" Vakarian put a hand on her shoulder and stopped her. "Don't tell me—"

"Hopefully you'll find your doctor here."

"Saleon? You've—"

She suddenly raised a hand, silencing him wordlessly. He understood and immediately grabbed his rifle. There was no sound he could hear, but one never could be too careful. Commander ordered him to move forward, so apparently something had to catch her attention. Garrus crouched and passed few crates to check what's around the corner she pointed. He saw only another crates and a door on the far side of the cargo hold they were currently in. The deep silence reigned everywhere and Vakarian realised that if the crazy salarian was here, he's not anymore. It was a really frustrating thought.

He froze when Shepard stopped behind him, suddenly hearing a soft, wet, almost unimaginable sound. He hadn't been quick enough to turn around before a single gunshot broke the silence, followed by a whine and something what couldn't be anything else but a sound of a dead body falling onto a floor.

"Holy shit" Jane blurted, took a few steps back and swayed. Garrus jumped forward and held her until she was able to stand still. She gave him a faint smile and pointed something lying on the floor. He looked and froze, feeling that his sanity is on the edge of collapsing.

"I... I..." Commander looked the turian and leaned against him heavily, trying to regain at least a minimal amount of comfort. Vakarian had an impression that his mandibles were made of stone. They twitched unconsciously most of the time, but now he couldn't move them even when he wanted to.

"It... it seems that Saleon is... a way past cloning and now... live subjects are his main... concern" he stated at last, his voice uncertain and trembling, but at least he said _something_. Shepard finally stepped aside from the turian and squatted near the body, when unhealthy curiosity defeated her disgust.

"What the fuck is _this_?!" she shook her head, glanced at Garrus and returned her gaze at the corpse. He didn't answer – first of all, she didn't need it, second, there was just no right answer, no words.

It was impossible to say who's the body once was, it had lost all racial traits long ago and became a living nightmare of a madman. Vakarian could notice few characteristics of the races he had known, but even more were totally alien, mixed and converged. Considering odd limbs in weird places and organs of senses he couldn't even imagine, it was obvious that whatever experiments had been conducted on that creature, they weren't meant to do it a service of a genetic progress, but only to prove that something like that could be done.

"I must admit that idea of handing Saleon to C-Sec crossed my mind once" Shepard stood up and didn't even try to hide an expression of hatred and disgust on her face. "But now... If you don't kill him, I will."

"Oh, don't worry, I'm going to shoot him on sight" Garrus flared his mandibles in pure anger. He wouldn't believe that something worse that the Thorian could exist – but unlike the Thorian, it wasn't even natural. And all because of the stupidity of C-Sec – if they only didn't countermand his order of shooting Saleon's ship down all those years ago...

"Let's find this sick son of a bitch" Commander growled and moved towards the door leading to the bridge and crew quarters. A corridor behind it was quiet and dark, fortunately too dark to see details of bodies lying on the floor. It seemed that the creature they killed was the last one alive, the rest ended their pointless lives in that small confined space, among the empty walls of the ship drifting purposelessly trough the interstellar void.

"They were trying to get into this room" Jane whispered, pointing deep scratches on the door with the barrel of her rifle. Garrus nodded, realising that at least one of the creatures had to get some kind of claws. But why would they...?

"Get ready, we're going in" she announced and tapped the entrance console.

Light from the inside of the room blinded them for a brief while, apparently it was the only place where lamps were still working. Vakarian blinked few times and finally managed to look at what was in front of him.

"Oh, someone's come at last" a salarian shuffled his feet. "Thank you, thank you for saving my life from those... _things_. If not you, they—"

"Garrus?" Shepard interrupted him with a hint of anger in her usually calm voice. Vakarian averted his gaze from the salarian and looked right into her eyes.

"It's him" he growled. "It's doctor Saleon."

"What?!" the salarian's voice was a bit too loud that it should be. "My name's Heart, doctor _Heart_!"

"Are you sure?" Commander didn't even glance at him, she held the turian's gaze steadily.

"Positive" his mandibles flared, exposing sharp teeth. He felt something when she was looking at him and wasn't exactly sure what it was.

Then she extended her hand, giving him a pistol and Garrus suddenly understood – what he felt was a harmony. It was something what made them compatible, what caused them to work together as two halves of a perfect whole, what transcended their very existence, merging them into an unbreakable, unstoppable and deadly dangerous being.

He took the weapon, she nodded, folded her arms and looked at the salarian.

"Your days of butchering are over, doctor _Saleon_" Vakarian raised his hand, the pistol in it was a phantom of retribution for all of doctor's victims.

"Oh, screw you, C-Sec!" Saleon cried and reached out for his own weapon, but was far too slow. His life was ended by a single, well-placed shot. Garrus' breath became a thunder in the silence which fell.

"Thank you, Shep" he said at last and gave the pistol back to her.

"You're welcome, buddy" Commander smiled and looked around. "What do you think about blowing this ship up?"

"Excellent idea."

* * *

Vakarian expected nightmares reminding him of Saleon's recent experiments. Instead, it was his first dreamless night for a long time. No victims dying with cloned organs inside their own bodies, no long-dead people accusing him of letting Saleon go.

He guessed that their spirits had enjoyed his idea of justice.


	5. Chapter 5

**Additional disclaimer: **a minor reference to the stories of H.P. Lovecraft. All hail the master.

* * *

Soldiers die.

It was one of those unbreakable rules of this universe. Like the fact: "planets move around the stars". Or: "when it comes to unimaginably long periods of time, even death can become irrelevant". Soldiers died, die and will always die. The only difference was death itself. It could be honourable, utterly epic or utterly pointless, but mostly it was something in between, something what had come and gone, with no reason and no excuse.

It was a white, inevitable death of nuclear fire that came to Ashley Williams on Virmire. It was the death with no realisation, no remorse and no unfulfilled wish. Maybe there was just one flicker of hope that her death wasn't going to be purposeless. No star had shone for her at that moment, no star had died for and with her. There was no secrets of life revealed in that very last millisecond, no great mystery of the universe suddenly making sense – just galloping thoughts (_Come here you synthetic bastards I'll show you what it means to mess with Williams oh Alenko you lucky son of a bitch I hope you'll make use of this situation and finally do something about Commander don't keep the woman waiting shit when will that bomb—_) and a white fire of eternal silence.

The universe didn't care about her. Because soldiers die.

* * *

Jane Shepard cared.

Garrus saw pain in her eyes when she had to make the decision who was going to live and who was to leave to die. He noted her determination to keep it professional ("_We need a biotic who can fight, because Liara simply cannot_"), but deep inside it was obvious that her decision was more emotional than reasonable. She saved Kaidan Alenko and Garrus hoped that the man would have enough guts to do his part in this weird relationship. If not... well, he would probably punch the whining biotic to open his eyes and in case he still wouldn't understand, beat him to death for disappointing Shepard. Okay, maybe not to death, but surely Alenko would have some new scars after their confrontation.

Vakarian was watching Jane during the debriefing after Virmire. She exchanged few quiet words with Alenko, he touched her hand quickly and said something again, her eyes lightened up after that. _Good_, he thought. She should be okay, just another mental scar, but nothing extremely harmful.

"Commander?" Liara stood up suddenly. "Excuse me for interrupting, but the beacon you've down there could fill the missing pieces of your visions. If you'd like to try..."

"You want to join our minds again, don't you?" Shepard scowled, but stood up too and came closer to the asari. "Very well. Do it."

Mind-merging was a thing that Garrus didn't quite understand. Shepard told him that it wasn't something absolutely necessary to do at one's free time, so he trusted her judgement. He was also never interested in the asari and for the joining was mostly a sexual act for them, he didn't experience it. Fortunately, it seemed that there could also be a non-sexual version of the process and that's what Liara was doing right now. Vakarian noticed frown on Jane's face and her clenched fists; he couldn't tell if this was unpleasant, but surely she wouldn't allow the asari to do something extremely harmful to her, even if that would be necessary to complete the mission.

The young doctor finally stepped away and blinked few times. "I see now... Places I recognise from my research... Ilos! The Conduit is on Ilos! That's why Saren needed location of the Mu Relay, it's the only way to go to Ilos."

"Joker!" Shepard called in direction of always-turned-on intercom. "Set up the link now, I have to inform the Council." She glanced at the people gathered in the comm room. "The rest of you, dismissed."

They had left before she began to present her newest report to the Council. Tali suddenly grabbed Garrus' arm, stopping him near the galaxy map. He looked at her, but she just had waited for Kaidan, Liara and Wrex to head towards the lower decks and then made the turian stand with her on the platform above the CIC.

"What's wrong, Tali?" Vakarian asked, when she touched the map and fell into thoughts.

"I'm just wondering..." the quarian voice trailed off as she extended her hand. "Look, we're six hours of flight from the Mu Relay and who knows how long will it take to reach Ilos after a jump? Saren's already on his way and what if we're going to be late? What if he can bring the Reapers back _before _ we stop him?"

"We're close now, Tali" he put a hand on her shoulder. Her voice rang in his head, echoing his own thoughts he failed to silence. "We _are _going to stop him."

"I hope you're right" she lowered her head and stepped back, only to bump into Shepard. "Oh, sorry, I didn't see you."

"It's okay, Tali" Commander smiled faintly, approached the map and touched it somewhere – and no way it was Ilos. Garrus could tell that something was wrong – he saw it in a way she was clenching her teeth and tapping her fingers on her thigh.

"Uh... Commander?" Joker's voice resounded through the intercom. "Weren't we supposed—"

"Just shut up, Moreau, and fly!" she growled and Vakarian didn't even note a fact that she used pilot's last name for the first time. There was _definitely _something wrong.

"Okay, setting course to the Citadel, ETA in eight hours" Joker announced indifferently and the turian looked at Shepard questioningly. Her features were drawn and full of anger.

_Note to self: don't make her mad, Vakarian._

A moment of silence. And exchange of glares. A movement of his mandibles. Her sigh. And: "Walk with me, Garrus."

He nodded and joined Commander on her way down to the lower decks. He was searching for words, but nothing came to his mind.

"These fucking politicians don't believe me" Jane blurted out at last. "They say I'm misled, that Saren feeds me with misinformation. Hell, I have to remind myself constantly that we're not fighting _just_ a traitor who's got too big ego and happened to find himself some kind of advanced, ancient warship. I guess I can't blame them for their lack of faith in me. If I weren't there, I wouldn't believe too that said warship is a fucking sapient being, intending to destroy all the life in the galaxy. And that there's more of them. Who'd like to believe in such a story?"

Vakarian shrugged, "You and I know better."

She sighed, "Yes, but I guess it's just because you were with me then. If you didn't hear... _it _speaking_, _you wouldn't believe me too."

He put his hands onto her shoulders and gently turned her around, so she could face him. "Shepard, I _trust _you. I don't have to witness anything. If I weren't there, I wouldn't ask if you're crazy. I'd ask if you know where to shoot a Reaper to make it hurt."

Commander sighed again and rested her forehead on his chest. Garrus could tell that she's exhausted, both physically and mentally. Her body was on the edge of collapsing due to the lack of sleep or even just a simple rest.

"It had quite a good speech" she murmured.

"Overdone" Vakarian shrugged and chuckled. "Unless you like bullshit about superiority, coming from an AI installed within a shell created to look like something between an octopus, a squid and a cockroach."

"To look like _what_?!" Shepard burst out laughing.

He flared his mandible in a huge grin and looked down at her. "Chief Williams once tried to describe Sovereign. I have no idea what do these Earth creatures look like, but I assume her comparison was accurate?"

"Yes, yes it was" Commander was trying to stop her giggles. "A crazy, two-kilometre long, metal squid... Only Ash could come up with something like that."

"I guess you no longer want to claim Sovereign as yours?"

Her eyes widened. "Hell, no. I wanted to have a fancy, big _ship_ called the_ Sovereign_, not a _living machine _named Sovereign. But... in fact I dropped that idea when Benezia told me about the indoctrination."

Jane stepped away from the turian and approached the dispenser of drinks, but Garrus took her hand.

"No more coffee for you today" he stated firmly. "You need sleep."

"I don't want to sleep, Garrus" she scowled and growled in annoyance. "I don't want to _dream_."

"Then let us follow Saren! No more waiting, let us end this!"

"I can't, Garrus, don't you understand?!" she shouted, suddenly not caring about few crewmen sitting at the tables nearby. They glanced at her carefully, without making it too obvious. "They ordered me to return to the Citadel and I _have _to obey."

"It's the stupidest order I've ever heard of" Vakarian growled furiously, his blue eyes blazing with anger. "It's going to endanger life in the entire galaxy, you just _can't _listen to them!"

"What I can't do is picking which orders I'll follow! Don't you see that? If I start question the instructions I'm being given, it will mean that I could do that in the past and thus everything and everyone I've sacrificed on Torfan was just a stupid waste. And I can't do that, because belief that I'd followed bad orders for the greater good is everything I've got left!"

He sighed and out a hand on her shoulder. "You're more like a turian that you could possibly imagine. I... I understand now. Forgive me."

"It's okay" she murmured. "I just... I wish there was another way."

"We'll see, that's all we can do" Garrus grabbed her arm and encouraged her to approach door of the captain's cabin. "You're exhausted, Shep. You _have _to sleep."

"Why are you always right?" she gave him a ghost of smile and opened the door. He caught a glimpse of the room – everything in order, no personal things. She was indeed a hollow wreckage, burnt by the fires of Torfan.

"Night, Garrus."

"Good night, Shepard."

* * *

In the artificial light of the Citadel Tower they looked almost like some kind of wraiths without their bodies. Soft shadows lay on Shepard's face, exposing bruises under her eyes and a new scar on her upper lip, a souvenir from Feros. One of brainwashed colonists somehow managed to avoid being shot and attacked her while she was too busy killing the Thorian creepers to react. That colonist soon joined the creepers, almost tore apart by Wrex who lost his temper seeing Commander bleeding. To be honest, not many colonists made it out alive at all.

Garrus saw Ambassador Udina standing in front of the Council. He was already telling them something and whatever it was, it hadn't made the turian councillor happy.

"Ah, Commander Shepard" the asari councillor greeted her with a nod. "We're talking about your recent report on Saren."

"We appreciate the work you did to hunt him down" the salarian councillor admitted, his eyes blinking under the shadow of his hood.

"If he's that stupid to attack the Citadel, as you believe, we'll be ready for him" Udina didn't even turn around his head to face Shepard when he was talking to her.

"Saren's not a real threat" Commander said firmly, her hands shaking, skin pale but voice steady and sure. "He's just a puppet for a Reaper. Sovereign's orchestrating all of this."

"And you're still telling this nonsense about the Reapers" the turian councillor waved his hand in disgust. "Saren' a fugitive from justice who's lost secrecy, his greatest advantage. Why do you insist to mix the facts with myths?"

"I warned you about Saren and you didn't believe me" Jane pointed her finger at him and Vakarian heard a pang of annoyance in her voice, a wavering glimpse of that true, ruthless, mentally burnt Shepard who had just nothing to lose to get the job done. "Don't make the same mistake again!"

"Try to see it from our perspective, Commander. Only you had seen the vision from the beacon" the asari councillor raised a hand, trying to solve the situation as peacefully as she could. "You have proven that Saren is a traitor, but there's no evidence to support your story about the Reapers."

"Me and my team had _talked _to this thing, do you understand?!" she shouted and clenched her fists.

"You might have been talking to some kind of a very sophisticated VI interface, maybe even an AI, but—"

"It wasn't _just _the AI, for crying out loud!" Garrus furiously interrupted the salarian, unconsciously using one of Shepard's favourite sayings. She put a hand on his shoulder and he looked at her, but the woman only shook her head. There was something in her eyes, something new and dangerous, and Vakarian couldn't tell what it was. Or maybe it wasn't new at all, just her self-control suddenly began to fall apart.

"Ambassador, I've got the feeling that Commander will not cooperate" the turian councillor took advantage of their silence.

"Shepard, your mission is over" Udina looked at Jane with a smirk on his face. "The Council is now going to take care of Saren and his geth... with my help, of course."

"You bastard!" Kaidan Alenko blurted out, apparently losing his nerves. He was excluded from the almost telepathic bond Shepard and Garrus had, and lost somewhere in the background behind their backs.

"You and your crew are a bigger problem than you're worth" Ambassador activated his omni-tool for a while. "Go back to your ship. You're not going anywhere for now."

"Nobody stabs in the back, Udina. Nobody" Jane growled and frowned, seeing an expressions of the turian councillor. "And what the hell are you smiling at, huh?"

The asari and the salarian councillor turned their heads around to look at their colleague. The turian straightened himself and managed to take control if his face.

"Let's go" Shepard glanced at her companions. "We've got nothing more to do here."


	6. Chapter 6

Crew, hastily gathered in the CIC, was understandably nervous and confused. About an hour ago they were told about grounding of the _Normandy_ and a half an hour later the ship suddenly left the Citadel, flying at the maximum sublight speed of its engines. Commander didn't speak with anyone and headed straight to her quarters. Garrus understood her actions – he had been with her when they talked to Anderson and she expressed her concern about loyalty of the crew. The old captain assured her that they would follow her to the edge of the galaxy, but Shepard wasn't convinced. Vakarian knew the reasons of her anxiety – the crew got used to her as their commanding officer, they even stopped commenting fact of the turian being her teammate, but when it came to a mutiny...? He had no idea how most of them were going to react and apparently she had her doubts too.

Some part of his soul, hidden down in the depths of his consciousness and speaking as a voice of his father, faintly protested against the mutiny. After all, it was something strongly despised in the turian society. The other side of his personality, however, the one that was too individualistic than it should be in case of being a 'good turian', claimed that it was the only way to complete the mission and if they succeed, no one will complain; if not, no one will be out there in the galaxy to charge them with treason. That second part of him, the one he had kept forcing himself to suppress for it always got him into troubles, had been extremely strengthened during this mission. Garrus should be worried, but in fact he was satisfied – for the first time in his life he didn't have to pretend he's a good turian.

"The commanding officer is on the deck" the _Normandy_'s VI announced, effectively silencing the crewmen. From the corner he stood in with Tali, Wrex and Liara, Garrus was following Shepard with his eyes as she climbed up onto the platform above the galaxy map. Few images crossed his mind, mostly memories of his military life, depicting commanding officers of ships he'd served on. Arrangement of the CIC was one of the most distinctively turian features of the _Normandy_ – resemblance was so strong, that Vakarian almost could see a captain reprimanding him for not following yet another bad or stupid order. How had he even managed to finish his military service and gained his full rights as a citizen, he had no idea.

Shepard threw a glance at her crew and cleared her throat. "As you may already know, our mission is going to end in the next few hours. It was a hard time for all of us, but we _are _going to stop Saren. You know that he was behind the attack and destruction of our colony on Eden Prime. What you do not know, is that Saren's not just a barefaced fool and traitor despising humanity. Thanks to data extracted from the Prothean beacons, we were able to determine how they became extinct. They didn't vanish. They were slaughtered by the race called _the Reapers_. They appear to be synthetic, but I doubt if they're _just _machines. They're sapient, extremely intelligent and extremely alien at the same time. That colossal _thing _Saren uses as his flagship? That's a Reaper, a living being called Sovereign. Saren's just a brainwashed puppet, no longer capable of independent thinking. He does what Sovereign orders him to do. And Sovereign orders him to aid the Reapers in wiping out all life in the galaxy, just as they did with the Protheans."

She paused, waiting for the murmurs among the crewmen to die away. Garrus smiled lightly, hearing her words. He didn't know that she could play the crowds so well. Probably she wasn't aware of it either.

"I know it's hard, almost impossible to believe. I wouldn't believe it either, if I didn't _speak_ with that thing. But even if all of this turns out to be a lie, Sovereign is a dangerous AI in the hands of the madman and thus both of them _have to be stopped_!"

The murmurs, doubtful at first, now turned into appreciative ones.

"I am ready to sacrifice everything to be sure that Saren will no longer be a threat. The Council and Udina wanted ground us, so me and Captain David Anderson decided that the best course of action is a mutiny against their decision, for right now it's the only chance we have to stop Saren and Sovereign!"

The crew was silent again. Garrus inspected their faces – he saw disbelief and determination, but no signs of eventual problems. Good.

"I know you weren't happy when I became you commanding officer and believe me, it wasn't my choice. Captain Anderson was forced to relieve the command of the _Normandy_ and now there were trying to do the same to us, to stop us before our missions could be completed. I said '_No_', because there's no point in following bad orders when all the life in the galaxy is on the edge of extinction. I promised you all that we'll stop Saren and I gladly sacrificed my career as a soldier to keep that promise. I'm also going to make sure that I'm the only one court-martialled for this mutiny and that you'll be cleared of all charges."

Another appreciative murmur and Garrus realised that the crew finally accepted Shepard as their CO. Funny indeed, as they were likely to die in the next few hours. However, better late than never, as humans say.

"Dismissed" Commander nodded and looked at Garrus. She raised her eyebrow and he inclined his head, flaring mandibles in a huge, supportive grin. Jane smiled faintly, climbed down the platform and came closer to him.

Vakarian clasped his hands behind his back. "Nice speech. I didn't know that humans train their special marines as speakers too."

She repeated his gesture as they were waiting for the crewmen to leave the CIC. "Because they don't. But surely I can't allow myself to be a worse speaker than some bloody machine, can I?" She paused to gave a salute back to one of the engineers. "Come with me, Garrus, we need to talk."

"Very well. Lead a way."

Shepard grabbed his elbow and guided him to her quarters one deck below. Once they were inside, he leaned against the closed door and folded his arms. "Do you want to make Alenko jealous?"

"He's already jealous" she chuckled and sat in one of the chairs. "Your voice makes women jump into your bed, after all."

Vakarian gave her a doubtful look and sat in front of her.

"But that's not why you're here, don't worry. I'd like to know who'd you want to take with us in a final assault."

He blinked and looked into her eyes. "Why do you ask?"

"Garrus, I respect you enough not to make you fight alongside someone you don't want to" Commander squeezed his hand. "And as I told you, you're coming with me to kill that barefaced bastard."

"Well..." he leaned back on his chair. "I think Wrex would be the best choice. He's a battlemaster and has a nice mix of combat and biotic skills."

"I thought so too" she nodded. "Besides, I promised him Saren's head."

"Risky. And may be hard to keep."

Jane sighed. "I know. Now go get some rest. There's only nine hours left before we reach the Mu Relay. And... thank you for everything you've done during this mission."

"No, _I _thank _you_, Shepard" Vakarian reached out and took her hands in his. "For taking me with you, letting me be a part of your team... I've learnt a lot. And you have no idea what your friendship means to me."

"Don't get too soft, it may still kill you."

"Then I guess I'll haunt your dreams or spoil the spirit of your squad."

She smiled and didn't comment. Garrus was watching her without a word, for he knew well that such a moment of silence wasn't an end of their conversation.

"What are you going to do if we survive and this mission is over?" Shepard finally asked.

"Assuming that you won't get another assignment requiring your favourite sniper? I decided to reapply for the Spectre training."

"Oh" she froze and her eyes widened. "I'm afraid that father Vakarian will not approve."

"This will probably kill him" Garrus shrugged and smiled bitterly. "But I have to try."

"You've got my support."

"Good to know" he nodded and stood up. "I'm going to catch few hours of nap, as you suggested. Do the same, Shep. Those bruises under your eyes look almost like my markings. You have to get rid of them, or Saren will have an inferiority complex after seeing such perfect turians like both of us."

"In that case I think I'll leave them as they are" Shepard chuckled devilishly. "Maybe then he'll be so sorry he's just a barefaced traitor, that he'll kill himself."

* * *

He did.

Garrus watched in disbelief as Saren shot himself in the head after Shepard's forceful speech. She teased him, mocked him and eventually questioned his manhood – but even such a dishonour should rather make him shoot _her_, not himself. So maybe she was right, maybe somewhere deep inside his indoctrinated soul, Saren still had found enough of his conscious turian mind to see that he became just a fooled tool, a puppet to be used and left when no longer needed.

Whatever the reasons had been, they didn't matter anymore. The puppet was no more, but its master still was looming over the Citadel, overshadowing it and changing into something incredibly alien just by its own presence. Garrus was shivering since the moment they had left a maintenance shaft and entered the Tower, leaving Sovereign behind them. The Reaper was enormous and to see it from such a short distance they had seen it... Something what looked like a limb – could it be even called like that? – above them, bending and unbending, a dim red light gleaming somewhere from the inside of it; Garrus was sure he's going to remember that wild run for the rest of his life. Just like a strange feeling that with every move of that thing he was being bent and unbent as well. That's what made him shiver and the trembling still didn't stop. Something had filled the air, something what seemed to be a sound, yet not audible at all and only felt deep in the very bones. Bend – _hear – _and unbend – _obey_ – and bend... and they weren't even objects of Sovereign's attention.

Vakarian began to understand why Saren could kill himself, but he couldn't fathom why the former Spectre hadn't done that long ago. Presumably what he's experiencing was the indoctrination or at least its beginnings, causing _really _misplaced thoughts ('_Hey dad, can you imagine that I've just jumped half across the galaxy in a _rover_? It's really fun when you can _touch _the mass relay_') and a weird ringing in the ears.

_Hear._

How could Saren stand this torture for so long?

_Obey._

It was excruciating. As seconds were passing, slowed as time on the event horizon and united with the breath of the universe, Garrus felt like his head was being torn apart. How much stronger would it be if Sovereign focused on indoctrinating them?

_Hear._

Or... maybe it wouldn't be so strong, maybe the Reaper wouldn't want to harm its slaves.

_Obey._

World began to fade away, replaced by grey with traces of red. He clenched his teeth and fists, trying to regain his self-control.

"...t's...ong...wi...rian?"

Sounds? Where did they come from? Was is really something else apart from a grey desert beyond the time itself?

"...us?...ight?"

_Hear._

He could feel the infinity flowing from one side of time to another. The infinity was grey, while the time was red. And he was lost somewhere in between.

_Obey._

Something on his face, something cool and he forced himself to blink. After eternity he focused his gaze on the woman standing in front of him. Brown eyes shining in a pale face surrounded by short, fiery red hair with slight shades of brown here and there, blood trickling slowly from her nose. She had put her hands on both sides of his face and was looking at him with worry. A name rang deep inside his mind; somehow he had been able to distance himself from the infinity and came back to the reality. The name regained its meaning. Jane Shepard. His friend.

"...us? Garrus, do you hear me?"

_Hear._

"I..." his voice failed him, when he ordered himself not to listen to the voices whispering right into his ears.

_Ob—Oh shut up, you stupid machine._

"Get a grip on yourself, it will be over soon" she stepped away, wiped out the blood running faster from her nose and activated her omni-tool. "I'm opening the station arms now, Joker. We need Sovereign gone and better damn _fast_, we won't stand this indoctrinating signal much longer."

"_I'm not a wishing well, Commander, you know?_" Joker's a bit hysterical laughter sounded from her comlink. "_We're doing here what we can, but—_"

"_Alliance ship, move in, move in!_" other man interrupted him and Garrus recognised Admiral Hackett's voice. Or whatever else that man's name was.

A sudden explosion followed his words, then another ones, some of them dangerously close to the Citadel Tower. Its windows weren't transparent, but flashes of light were giving an obvious hint to figure out what's going on out there.

"Krogan?" Vakarian said in a hoarse voice, sounding alien even for himself. "Hit me."

"If you ask so kindly..." Wrex's words died away as he smiled widely and head-butted him without warning. The turian cursed, blinded by pain and a sudden, primal need of putting up a fight. He felt Shepard's hands helping him not to fall on his knees and after a while a satisfied sigh escaped his mouth. He could still hear the whispers of an untold truth, inviting him to join them in their own dark corner of the existence, but they didn't affect his thinking anymore.

"Make sure he's dead" Commander let go of him and looked at Saren's body, lying in a room below Council's chamber. Garrus had never seen that place, hadn't even known that it existed.

"Are you okay?" Jane asked suspiciously when he hesitated to jump down after Wrex.

"Definitely better than few minutes ago" Vakarian nodded and followed the krogan, who'd already been near the corpse and took the shotgun to fire at point-blank range in Saren's head. Nothing happened, only echoing explosions from the outside were resounding within the scorched walls of the Tower.

"He's dead" the turian looked up at Shepard, who nodded and sat on a platform she had stood on, too exhausted to do anything else, even to feel a joy of the victory. He tried to smile, but his muscles failed as the sounds he managed to ignore intensified to the level he hadn't experience before. The previous torture now seemed to be just a prelude to the agony of all dimensions of this space, affecting every single cell of Garrus' body.

"These implants of his" somehow he was still able to hear krogan's strained voice. "Are they supposed to shine like this?"

Vakarian's universe exploded as the Citadel Tower began to shake. He couldn't see anything, couldn't feel anything, there was just a _presence _overwhelming everything around, a disembodied will of something ancient and timeless, and he had lost consciousness even before a wave of pure energy threw him onto a piece of debris.

Garrus didn't pass out for more than few seconds and when he finally was able to open his eyes, everything was blurred. There was a silhouette nearby – Wrex? – and another one, of a person lying on the ground – could it be Shepard? There was also something else on the wall, something familiar and yet...

_Oh crap._

He jumped forward and dragged unconscious Commander to cover behind a piece of destroyed ceiling. Moments later an explosion created a hole in the place she had lain before.

"_I am Sovereign and this station is mine!_"

Vakarian glanced carefully at the creature shouting proudly those words. He didn't suppose that Saren could let Sovereign do something like that to him, but did he even have a choice in that matter? Why would anyone sane allow to replace every bone in his body with that strange-looking, black and blue metal?

Apparently Saren had been dead even before he shot himself.

"Garrus?" the turian heard Shepard's voice and looked at her, realising one more thing.

The voices were gone.

"Good to see you're all right" he took his rifle and grinned. No more whispering from behind a veil of an unknown universe. "We've got quite an annoying husk to kill."

"Husk? Here?" she asked, her voice full of disbelief.

"_I will destroy you, Shepard!"_

Commander peeked at the animated skeleton and growled furiously. She must had injured her head while falling, because blood were running down her temples and neck. She didn't bother to clean it, though; Garrus supposed that she didn't even notice it.

"Let's have fun one last time" Jane grinned at him and jumped out of the cover, shooting already before she took a right position to fight.

So they fought to take Sovereign down, oblivious to the rest of reality. Fire of burning trees in the Council chamber was their sun and eternity measured aeons with the ammo of their weapons. And when the end had come, silent and gentle as a song of the interstellar space, they shared smiles, not daring to imagine what future might bring.

It turned out that the future brought them a deafening explosion and buried their untold hopes under the pieces of debris that were the Citadel Tower once. The sun had set, world had turned into ashes and only silence remained, mercifully black and emptied of all thoughts.


	7. Chapter 7

Memories were like a reflection of sunlight in the water. You could admire and watch them, but you weren't able to touch them or make them real. They were just phantoms, ghosts of things and people you'd lost, shadows of feelings you'd used to experience. They reminded you what you had done wrong and what you could have done differently.

* * *

Air was filled with a scent of burning trees, dust and something alien, metallic. He could barely breathe and not because of the air – probably all of his ribs were broken and plates on his chest were fractured. A while ago he managed to get out of the rubble, one of his legs long past the stage of pain and now completely numb. And yet he couldn't stop looking at a part of Sovereign's shell. The Reaper had been too close to the Tower. He should be happy after destruction of that abomination, but all he could feel now was an infinite sadness. Not a grief, no, his mind didn't reach that stage yet. He would mourn later, when they would find her body. If anything was going to be found.

Shepard. "Go!", she cried out and pushed them down the stairs. And seconds later a part of Sovereign's wreckage stuck in the place she was standing. She couldn't survive that. No one could. It didn't matter that she was one hell of a soldier, tough and ruthless – she died by an accident of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Captain Anderson! They're here, we've found them!"

He didn't move, nor did Wrex, when few Alliance technicians were able to clean a path leading from the ruins of his life to the world outside, world of glory received after the victory and all those years he and Wrex still had ahead of them.

He felt Anderson kneeling beside him, but he didn't avert his gaze from his feet. His right leg, the one he couldn't feel, was covered in blood, but the injury wasn't the reason – he wouldn't stand staring at the remnants of Sovereign again.

"It's okay, you're safe now" the old captain put a hand on his shoulder. "Where's Commander? Where's Shepard?"

Wrex growled, but he only closed his eyes and shook his head in wordless pain. He gathered shreds of his courage and after a while looked at the wreckage, twisted and burnt piece of metal which had destroyed the upper levels of the Citadel Tower, along with something unspecified in his soul. He didn't know what had been there before, for right now it was just a hole full of pain.

He saw tears in Anderson's eyes, when the old man understood the unspoken message, and wished he had been able to cry as well. Maybe it would make the pain easier to endure.

One of the technicians helped him stand up to his feet. He leaned heavily against the man, hoping that the human is strong enough. He wasn't able to walk on his own now, not with that useless numb leg of his. Shepard. Why had he allowed her to push him down the stairs instead of doing that to her, to make sure she's going to survive?

A sudden noise made him stop. He forgot about the leg, about the blinding pain of broken ribs accompanying every single breath. He turned around, feeling completely futile hope and telling himself he shouldn't do this, because there was no way Shepard could...

And then he saw her limping between the wreckage and the rubble, burnt and bloodstained, supporting the broken arm with the health one. Wrex gave a low, surprised growl as she approached them, obviously hurting but with a satisfied smile on her face.

"You look horrible, Garrus" she said, ignoring Anderson staring at her with dropped jaw.

"And you look even worse" he answered and suddenly pulled her into embrace, surprising even himself with that gesture. She gasped and tensed, but almost immediately relaxed and wrapped her health arm around his waist.

"Don't you even dare to scare me like that again" he murmured, his face buried in her hair smelling like fire and blood, a scent of battle. The hole full of pain in his soul was gone and he could look at that place now. What he saw under his friendship towards her, what could it be changed into if he allowed himself to do that... it was terrifying and yet exhilarating at the same time.

They cried out in pain when Wrex suddenly hugged them both, laughing and talking something about their 'fucking luck'. He sighed and looked at Shepard, only to meet her own gaze, somewhat amused and very, very warm.

"C'mon, we need to get you to the doctor before you bleed out to death" she said and smiled. And he couldn't remember how it had been before he met her. He couldn't imagine what he would do if he lost her.

* * *

Memories were also like a wind over a desert. They could caress you, bring you a relief and they could also blind you, leave you somewhere with no other place to go. They could create a mirage and its only purpose was to disappear when you reached out to touch it.

* * *

"I do this to myself only on the anniversaries of Torfan, but hey, we deserve a little fun after our great success, right?"

He had been released from the clinic earlier than she was – apparently the injury on her head turned out to be more serious than it looked. He visited her few times, but mostly he was occupied with the things he had to complete in accordance with his reapplication for the Spectre training. Bureaucracy and paperwork – those he hated most, albeit now he had a motivation to do them as fast as he only could. He was going to need an evaluation – and he silently hoped that the Council would assign Shepard to do that.

So the lack of the free time and Alenko as well had been keeping him away from her, and he was almost shocked when he opened the door of his apartment and saw her standing outside, a bag full of bottles in her hand and partially uncertain smile on her face.

He let her come in. "Yeah, sure, we deserve. When did they tell you're free to go?"

"Three days ago" she sat on a couch and handed a bottle to him. "I didn't know what you like, so I had to rely on the good will of the clerk in some kind of turian supermarket. Nice guy, by the way. His markings were beautiful."

He didn't comment her statement and took a sip of the alcohol. A sweet liquor from Palaven, one of his favourites. He sighed in contentment and tried to forget Shepard's admiration of facial markings of a turian he didn't even know. It didn't work out.

"So..." she said after a moment of silence. "Have you spoken with your father?"

He scowled. "Yes. And I was wrong. The news didn't kill him. It made him want to kill _me_."

She looked at him. Just like that, she didn't even need to ask, and suddenly he found himself wondering how much simpler would it be if she were a turian.

"He said he's proud of me being a hero. After that he became the same old bastard I've always known and told me that our mission should have convinced me Spectres are trouble and I should come back to C-Sec. And he would gladly see me as a new Executor."

"'Executor Vakarian'?" Jane smiled. "This sounds pretty nice."

"Well, not gonna happen" he shrugged. "And when I told him that, we... uh... had an argument. He told he wouldn't accept me being a Spectre and if I didn't change my mind, he would stop calling me 'his son'."

She was listening with her mouth opened in shock.

"He had also added that I'm a disgrace to Vakarian family and then left."

"I... Huh. I guess his pride didn't last too long" she murmured and opened another bottle.

He fell in thoughts. "I don't really care. It's about time for me to take control of my own life. I'd been always trying to satisfy his expectations and I never succeeded. I just... I'm sick of it. I'd screwed up my entire life on chasing a ghost of his acceptance and I never caught it. No more."

"To the screwed-up lives then" Shepard made a toast and laughed bitterly. "'Cause there's nothing else I can say about my own life, too. But unlike you, I can't do anything to change it. Not anymore."

He wanted to say something about how wrong she was, but he didn't want to lie to her. Couldn't lie to her. It seemed just wrong.

"To us, then" it was his time to make a toast. "Two people with screwed-up lives, who have become heroes."

"I guess they didn't expect us to succeed. If they did, they would choose one of those heroes from Elysium as a candidate for their first human Spectre, not me. Well, surprise, now the Butcher of Torfan is a hero too, yeah!" she chuckled suddenly.

"Someday they'll forget about Torfan, you know?"

She shrugged. "Maybe. But not families of those soldiers. And to be honest, I don't want them to forget. I'm proud of what I did – not _how_ I did it, but _what_ I did. If not me, those terrorists would enslave and kill thousands more. The price was lives of my squad. And a dreamless sleep at nights. I can live with that."

He knew she could. He also knew that she had sacrificed more, but either she didn't want to talk about it, or to acknowledge that. The former was more probable.

He sighed and changed subject to something more neutral, planning to get more drunk before he could ask her a question he'd had in mind for some time now. He took a while to think about a ghost of... feelings he had found in his heart at that precise moment on the wreckage of Sovereign. He knew that the right course of action was not to let it change into something living and serious, but hell, he had never been a good turian.

"Well" he began at last, "where did you lose Alenko? He had almost lived in that clinic."

Shepard scowled and found herself next bottle. He started to understand why she could hate 'mornings after shore leaves'. "I... uh... I need a break. And time to think."

"Something's wrong?"

"This... relationship is coming to a quick and fully expected end. Kaidan... He's a good man, but he wants more than I can give him. And I certainly can't reciprocate his feelings. I like and respect him, sure, but whatever's between us, it's not love. It's more a mutual desire built on desperation and stress. Or something like that. Honestly, I don't even know if I'm still able to love at all."

"Shepard—"

"Love's a weakness" she continued, as if she didn't hear his words. "I'm soldier, I can't allow myself to have weaknesses. They can kill me."

"Shep, don't do this to yourself."

"I've simply chosen not to feel, Garrus" she looked at him and under her blank gaze he saw determination combined with misery. "It's easier. And it hurts less."

"Even if it hurts less _now_, it _will _hurt more in the future. Finding yourself talking to empty walls is... bad. Do you really want this for your life after the service?"

"Garrus, I'm a marine. Special forces. And hell, the famous first human Spectre, as they like to call me. Do you really think I'm gonna survive that long so I could retire? It's impossible. Even if... Well, I've chosen my path long ago and I've chosen to be alone."

He reached out to her and gently clasped his fingers with hers. She blinked and looked into his eyes.

"You're not alone, Shepard."

* * *

Memories were also like a flame of a candle, swaying on the wind. They could enlighten your life and show you the way, but they could also darken your soul, leave you without light and warmth, lost and cold, broken and alone on the edge of the void, where everything you could do was wrong.

Garrus Vakarian was indeed lost and broken, when he had closed the door of his apartment and headed for one of the smaller spaceports of the Citadel. He had resigned from his Spectre training – again. There was nothing else they could teach him, not after the wild hunt after Saren, and it would just ground him on the Citadel. He was sick of the station, its bureaucracy, its stupid Council who discredited everything the _Normandy_'s crew had been fighting for, and its crowds acting like nothing had happened. He was just completely empty inside, disowned by his own father, with no place to go and to call home. The light of his candle was no more.

Shepard died.

* * *

Two years later he fully understood what she had meant by saying that's easier not to feel. All those months on Omega burnt him to ashes, his idealism ripped to shreds, his feelings and hopes turned into dust. No one remembered the past, no one even knew him as 'Garrus Vakarian, hero of the Citadel and saviour of the galaxy' – not that he even cared about all those titles and honours he had been given after the battle of the Citadel. He was just another face in the crowd, another lost soul struggling to live with no purpose to do so. It seemed like the universe decided to give itself in the hands of entropy – everything had fallen apart and left him drifting somewhere between an ocean of failure and a void of disappointment. Where once had been his respect and friendship towards Shepard, now was only the endless pain and grief, and that seed of feelings, ready to be awakened into something deeper if he would only let it happen, was buried deep under the remnants of his old self. He suffered from betrayal and alongside pain and grief, the desperate need of revenge was the only feeling he had left in his soul.

So when it came to that, Shepard's words were never truer than those days. He wanted not to feel. He wanted not to be stuck in this screwed-up galaxy, in the world without her. Two years after her death and time still hadn't healed his wounds – and it appeared that they would never heal.

He glanced down at the bridge and killed the first merc with the perfect headshot. Three separated groups united their forces to finally kill him after all those months he had spent on spoiling their activities. Like everything he had done, his actions ended up as a disaster and now the time had come to give the retribution to the spirits of all those people he had failed. He could do that in the only way he was ever able to do without failures – by picking his sniper rifle up and letting it dance, that one last time before he ends the show of his life as a pathetic victim of his own ambitions and wrong steps. After all, the mercenaries would only kill his body, animated by grief and fury.

Because deep inside his soul, he was already dead.


	8. Chapter 8

A delicate blue light emanating from the aquarium made the bedroom look unreal, just like a dream about swimming. Or flying.

Or dying.

Jane Shepard shivered and clenched her teeth. Ever since she woke up in that facility, one part of her mind was still convinced that she's dead and thus she shouldn't move. Shouldn't breathe. Shouldn't feel and think. She had to remind herself that despite everything her mind was telling her, she had to move. Had to breathe. Had to feel and think.

She didn't want to.

"Who gave you the right to reverse irreversible?!"

Leader of Cerberus, so called 'the Illusive Man', didn't answer when she asked him that. Maybe he had no specified answer, maybe believed that the Reaper threat justified his actions, maybe thought he could have everything just because he had money. Or maybe he just wanted to play some kind of god. She didn't know and wasn't sure if she wanted to know at all. She was a 'subject' for them, 'project' to test their 'cutting-edge technology'. Depersonalised dead body, forced to live again against rules of the universe. She hadn't wanted to die – who'd like to? – but she would never agree to be brought back to life as a human being combined with implants, cybernetics and electronics. She was flesh and blood outside, and yet the only things keeping her alive were mechanical. Synthetic. Was it so different from Saren and his implants? Or even from being an AI, conscious being in a synthetic form?

She scowled and looked at the fish tank. Funny, really, the fish tank without fish. She guessed that its presence here were meant to soothe her, but the blue light only made her think about Alchera. So beautiful and astounding when seen from above, a blue world with delicate white glow, a diamond hanging in the endless void of space. There could be auroras, marvellous tricks of light, and wind over icy deserts.

If only Shepard hadn't died there, she could have admired the planet. But now, somewhere deep inside her mind, she was dying on and on, still, seeing the burning _Normandy_ ripping to shreds by an alien vessel, feeling life leaking out through her fingers, lungs desperately wanting air and burning without it, and a veil of darkness clouding her conscious mind. And even before her eyes closed and her soul resigned to an inevitable acceptation of what was going on, Shepard still could see Alchera, cold as diamond and insensitive to a tragedy happening on its orbit.

And now Alchera was imprinted on her memory as a sign of all those things she'd lost. Things and people as well.

"Where's Garrus Vakarian?" she had asked, when Illusive Man had informed her about the dossiers. She didn't want any of them, she wanted her team, people she trusted. And her friend.

"The turian disappeared few months after you were declared dead" Illusive Man had announced. She had felt a cold shiver running down her spine. "Even we haven't been able to locate him."

She had already known what's with Tali, so she asked about Wrex – he hadn't left Tuchanka for over a year, trying to unite krogan clans under Urdnot domination. That was weird, Wrex playing a politician... Even Liara and Kaidan had moved on – the first one lived on Ilium, working with the Shadow Broker (really? That sweet, young archaeologist who didn't even know how to use a gun, working with Shadow Broker?), the second one was still with the Alliance, what, to be honest, wasn't surprising at all. But Garrus... disappeared. Fell off the grid. Maybe he had returned to Palaven and built up a life on his undeniably handsome face, sexy voice and reputation of a hero. Shepard tried to imagine him with a mate and children, but she couldn't. Her mind just refused to picture little turians calling Garrus '_daddy_'.

She sighed and touched a keypad of her terminal. Even before she started to write a new message, hesitation had won and Jane dropped the idea of sending a mail to him. First of all, he never checked his account unless he _really _needed to do that, so she could likely wait for an answer a month or even more. And second, what could she possibly write? _'Hey, it's me, I'm alive'_? Or maybe _'Garrus, it's Shepard, I'm not dead anymore'_? _How _could she even write _anything _after those two years, when everyone thought she's dead, when everyone had moved on? What right did she have to reappear suddenly in the lives of those she cared for?

She closed her eyes and sighed, feeling something cold inside her. She had _no _right. No need justified ruining everything her family and friends had done through those years. Her thought about getting the team together again? Futile. Impossible.

_You're a soldier, Jane. Act like one. Get this mission done, then kill Illusive Man for doing this to you and find yourself a home somewhere. Somewhere sunny. Maybe Virmire. But first do what you always do. Get. The. Job. Done._

Shepard took a PDA with dossiers forwarded by Illusive Man and started to read. A salarian scientist, a mercenary, a krogan warlord, a criminal and another mercenary. Seriously? Was that guy insane?! Did he really expected her to create a team composed of those individuals? Not only her new crew was almost completely civilian, but she had to assemble strike forces of civilians as well? That was ridiculous.

Jane growled and read the dossiers again. No way she was going for the convict first, the krogan also wasn't someone she'd like to recruit right away – and had anyone ever heard about a krogan having 'doctor' before his name? One of the mercenaries seemed to be a copy of herself and thus she didn't have the patience to work with him, the other one...

_Hmm... That looks good._

Omni-tool expert, noted sniper and brilliant tactician responsible for attacks on gang leaders on Omega. Going by the name 'Archangel'. So not the mercenary, more a vigilante. She could work with the vigilante and she could use a sniper as well, considering the absence of Garrus. Garrus, the only friend she ever had.

She missed him.

_He has his life, Jane. You have no right to destroy it._

From what she had been told, the salarian professor was also on Omega, so... Omega it is.

She pushed the button of the intercom.

"Joker, did you check the systems?"

"Yes, Commander, everything's green. We're good to go whenever you want to leave the base."

"Let's see what this new _Normandy _can do, then. Set the course to Omega."

A moment of silence.

"ETA in two hours, Commander."

"Thank you, Joker."

* * *

Shepard had never been on Omega before and she didn't regret that. The station was overpopulated, filthy and completely lawless, and she was tempted to bomb it from orbit. At least recruiting went better than she expected. She met that mercenary copy of herself, Zaeed Massani, almost at the same moment she had taken her first step outside the airlock. He was beating a batarian who apparently had a bad luck. The alien asked her for help. Amusing, really, for she was the person number one when it came to scare batarian children.

"Report to the _Normandy_ and wait for orders" she told Massani and headed for the _Afterlife_, presumably the biggest building on the station. According to the reports and Shepard's personal experience as well, it was the best place to start looking for Archangel. She pushed aside her doubts, fears and a need to revolt against the whole situation. She couldn't just sit down and say '_I'm dead, I'm not going anywhere_'. She decided to try not to think about Alchera and the fact that her life became a grain orbiting a black hole, and there was no way for it to have a happy ending. She was going to drown inside the event horizon of the most terrifying thing in the universe and there was nothing she could do. And she had thought that her life was screwed-up before, but apparently she had to die to realise that it could be worse. Death really could change everything and it did, leaving her completely alone and lost, having to work with terrorists she used to kill with a cold blood and no mercy.

_Don't think about it, Jane. Get the job done first. Drink until you pass out later._

The necessity of going into the _Afterlife _didn't make it nice. She hated such places, the music was too loud and too many people wanted trouble. She also despised individuals like Aria T'Loak, having definitely too big ego and thus acting like the only ruler of the world. Shepard's hand was itching to draw a pistol and shoot that asari in the head, but she clenched her teeth and pretended to hear Aria's words. It wasn't hard, she achieved perfection in it while dealing with Udina.

When the boss, CEO, queen or whatever else she had called herself shut her blue mouth, Shepard was finally able to start asking. She decided to make it nice and begin with a simple question. "I'm looking for a salarian doctor, Mordin Solus."

"He's in a quarantine zone, trying to help the plague victims. You can find him there."

Good, easy question and easy answer. Now the hard part.

"I'm also trying to track down Archangel."

"You and half of Omega. You want him dead, too?"

Shepard leaned back on the couch and folded her arms. "No. I've got other reasons."

A smirk appeared on Aria's lips. "If you want to talk to him, better do it quickly. You've got all the time in the world, Archangel... not so much. All the major players of Omega united to kill him. They're recruiting freelancers in a private room."

Jane felt her curiosity rousing. That guy could be good and hell, she even actually began to _want _him on her team. Pissing off mercs so much that they had united to take a single person down... That was impressive. "Is there _anything_ you can tell me about him?"

The asari scowled. "I know less than I'd like to. But he know it's better to stay away from me, so I have no intention in killing him."

"Thanks for the intel" Shepard stood up and joined Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor waiting for her downstairs. Having them with her didn't seem like a good idea, but she currently had no choice. Or maybe...

"Lawson, head back to the ship and send Massani here" she ordered, looking around in a search for the room mentioned by Aria. "Tell him to bring guns, he may need them."

"I don't think that recruiting professor Solus requires such a firepower" Cerberus operative frowned and folded her arms.

"We're recruiting Archangel first."

"What? The Illusive Man..."

"I don't give a damn what the Illusive Man said" Jane interrupted Miranda. She suddenly felt of being on edge of losing her nerves. Civilians, for crying out loud... "It's my mission and _I _give orders here. Now do what you've been told to."

"Commander, if I may—"

"No, you may not. You're not going on a mission until you buy a proper armour. Now do as I say, get your ass back to the _Normandy_ and tell Massani to meet me outside the _Afterlife_. On the double, Lawson!"

Miranda apparently wanted to argue, but after a while she just shook her head and left the club, her perfect figure attracting men's attention. Shepard sighed and looked at a batarian wearing the Blue Suns uniform. Now wasn't the time to teach Lawson how to follow orders, now she had to focus on the mission. She silenced the part of her mind telling her there was no mission, because she was dead.

"Watch my six, Taylor, just in case" she ordered Jacob. Thankfully, he was a former soldier and wasn't complaining about the discipline she decided to at least try to introduce on the ship and the team as well.

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

It turned out to be a relatively easy work – at least at the beginning. Be nice. Disable a heavy mech. Kill a batarian. Being nice was the worst part of those, as well as trying to keep asleep that part of her personality which had become the Butcher of Torfan. Shepard was aware of the fact that not every batarian was a slaver and a terrorist, but considering her luck, there was a high possibility that most of those she encountered here should be killed for the good of the galaxy.

It was surprising, though, how much work and resources the mercenaries had put into their unholy crusade against Archangel. And yet no one seemed to know anything about him apart from the fact that he was a turian. He had created a very useful veil of anonymity, he was cautious and determined as well, a menace and a huge pain in the mercenary ass. Shepard smiled. A resourceful turian sniper was exactly what she needed in the current situation. Because of her childhood, she was always comfortable among the aliens and having one of them aboard the new _Normandy _would be nice. The thought about accomplishing the mission only in the company of Cerberus terrorists, seeing other races as slaves for humanity, made her sick. To be honest, she would gladly get rid of everyone, except for those two Scottish engineers. And, of course, Joker and doctor Chakwas, who were there for her, not because of the Cerberus ideas.

_Note to self, Jane: don't drink alone. Drink with Chakwas and Joker._

She had thought about killing the mercs before she was going to speak with Archangel, that would make it easier and maybe he would be more eager to talk to her at all. But in the end she just jumped over the obstacle and took a first step on a bridge leading to his base.

The memories of Torfan immediately eclipsed quarrels in her mind ('_You're dead.' 'No, they brought me back.' 'No one could bring you back. Death is the end. And you died!'_), because the bridge looked exactly as that facility when she had finally seized it. Dead bodies lay everywhere, albeit not near an entrance to the base – Archangel was good indeed. Pools of blood were partially dried out, but the scent of death was still in the air, familiar and somewhat metallic, in some crazy way reminding her of Sovereign. The mercenaries were right – Archangel had been annihilating freelancers, mostly stupid teenagers looking for excitement or easy credits.

Shepard had stopped being sorry for the stupidity of such persons long before she died.

She ducked behind a crate, seeing another group of freelancers following her small unit. One of them died right after stepping onto the bridge, his head exploded and body fell onto the floor, the scent of blood suddenly became stronger. The next one embraced the death a second later and Jane killed the third, sending a burst of fire from her assault rifle right in his back. She smiled and went out of her cover, intending to take a look at Archangel, when her shields failed and her vision became blurred.

"Damn it, man!" she shouted as soon as she jumped back to cover. That guy was _really _good, but she needed him not to perceive her as a threat. "I mean you no harm!"

He didn't answer.

"By the spirits, I want to help you!"

There was a sudden thud and she glanced at him. She gave an uncontrollable smile – Archangel dropped his rifle and froze, looking at her. Good thing she had caught a few turian sayings.

"Commander!" Jacob suddenly cried out and nailed a freelancer trying to get to the bridge.

"Move to the base!" Shepard ordered and killed another one, then she followed her companions into Archangel's hideout. Bloody hell, waves of freelancers were really infinite. She heard them shouting and accusing her of being with Archangel, they even tried to attack her, but lousy equipped fools were no match for the N7 graduate and the turian's perfect headshots.

Shepard nodded at Massani and Taylor, and climbed up the stairs, thinking what she could possibly say to convince that guy to join her. She was probably going to help him with the rest of the mercenaries – and with a gunship too, to be precise. That was the easy part, but what to do next? What if he refused?

Let's hope he's not barefaced in the first place...

She took a deep breath and entered a room he had been in.

"Archangel?"

He raised a hand in a wordless '_just a minute_' and when he was waiting for a good moment to take a shot, Shepard could watch him. A heavy armour, good and expensive, military gear and weapons of high quality – and he knew how to use them. She felt a sudden '_I want!_' forming inside her soul; she needed him on her team or she was going to become insane, surrounded by civilians and Miranda Lawson.

A single shot brought Jane's attention back to the reality. She looked at the turian, who inclined his head for a moment, his back stooped in a painfully obvious sign of exhaustion and his hands trembling.

Trembling? _What the hell?_

He turned around and because of his helmet, she felt rather than saw his eyes transfixed on her face. Then he took the helmet off and sat on a crate, and time stopped for her. A wave of unstoppable questions flooded her mind. How...? When...? Why...? She couldn't articulate any of them, couldn't even move when she looked into his blue eyes of a sniper, blue and precious as Alchera, and lost herself in unspoken hopes that maybe something could be okay. Maybe despite everything, despite the fact she had died and was brought back to life, something in this galaxy was still on her side.

"Shepard... I thought you were dead."

Jane tossed her rifle away and almost jumped forward, unable to resist the need of embracing him and becoming convinced that he's real. She felt his arms wrapping around her body and holding her as close as only their armours let him to. Surprised gasps given by Taylor and Massani didn't make her turn around. Probably there was nothing in this universe what could make her step away from him right now.

"Garrus" she whispered, trying to restrain herself from crying. There was a time in her life when she thought she had lost her ability to cry. "What are you doing here?"


	9. Chapter 9

_Author's note__: Because writing this chapter was a real torture, I'd like to thank all of you who reviewed this story and added it to the favourites or alerts list. __Much appreciated, really._

_

* * *

_

Blood was everywhere – on her hands, her guns, her armour wasn't black anymore. She was clenching her fists on the barrel of his rifle and even it was bloodstained. The blood was blue. What was with that colour, that it became a menace of death in her life? Alchera was blue and now life was leaking out of Garrus as waves of his dark blue blood. She couldn't stop wandering why the hell hadn't she blown the gunship up when she'd had a chance. Why had she let it fly. Why hadn't she killed all those fucking mercs when they had been convinced she's another freelancer and hadn't considered her as a threat.

If he was going to die...

* * *

"_I need you to leave, Commander" Chakwas said, when Shepard and Zaeed laid Vakarian on a bed in the med bay._

"_I'm not going anywhere" she shook her head and looked down at her hand. He clasped his three talons around her fingers and apparently wasn't going to let her go._

"_If you want him to bleed out to death, very well" doctor folded her arms. "I think I can save his life, but I won't be able to do this with you hanging around. You _must _leave, Commander."_

_She tried to do that, really, but found herself unable to pull her hand away from his grasp. She was sure that after leaving it was inevitable to wake up, only to realise it had been just a dream and she's alone again._

_Chakwas growled and gave Garrus the sedative, apparently aware of the fact that Commander wouldn't leave as long as he was going to stay conscious. He was struggling to keep his eyes open, but failed._

"_Shep..." he whispered in a hoarse, painful voice and loosened his grip on her hand. Tears threatened to fall, but she hadn't let them. She was a soldier after all._

_

* * *

_

So now Shepard was standing outside the med bay, holding Garrus' rifle so tightly that her knuckles became white. She heard whispers among the crewmen, they were probably wondering who the turian was, but she didn't pay attention. She didn't care if they were going to be uncomfortable in his presence, the only thing she cared right now was his well-being. The rest of the galaxy could even collapse for all she cared.

"Commander?"

Jane blinked and nodded, letting Miranda know that she heard her, but she didn't avert her gaze from Chakwas, whose movements finally became less hasty and more relaxed.

"May I talk to you?"

"Very well. What's wrong?"

Lawson cleared her throat. "Here?"

"I'm not going anywhere until Chakwas tells me he's okay, so you have to ask now or wait."

"I appreciate your concern about our recruits, but you don't have to make it so... personal."

"This _is _personal" Shepard growled and finally looked at the Cerberus operative. The woman raised her hands defensively.

"Relax, Commander, I just wasn't told you know Archangel."

"It's '_officer Vakarian'_ to you, Lawson."

Miranda's eyes widened. "Is that... Garrus Vakarian?" she looked at the unconscious turian lying on the bed. Doctor Chakwas had cleaned her hands and was currently bandaging the right side of his neck. Jane sighed in relief, noticing that his life signs displayed on a monitor were stable.

"In flesh and blood" she answered at last.

"Impressive... another hero. Another living legend. And a turian at that."

Shepard had a vague impression that beneath a slight admiration there was also a mockery in Lawson's words. She felt a pang of anger.

"You _are _going to give him respect he deserves" she said in a low voice, more a growl. When did she start growling when she's angry in the first place? It couldn't be even compared to Garrus' reverberating voice and yet... "I don't care that you and the rest of your Cerberus buddies have issues with the other races. I'm recruiting non-humans and you can do _nothing _about it."

"Commander, you must realise that this mission is completely about _humans_" Miranda folded her arms. "I am aware of the fact that a few dossiers are for the aliens, but the interest of humanity _must _be a priority here. And not because of the Cerberus ideas."

"It's _my _ship, _my _mission and _I_ give priorities here!" Jane pointed a finger at Lawson's face. Cerberus operative flinched and took a step back. "I want discipline and I won't allow any harassment of non-human crew. As long as I'm in charge, there's no superior and inferior race, we're all equal, no matter what you believe. I didn't choose you as my XO, though you can play this role if you want it so much. But remember this: if I catch you, any of you, on mauling a non-human, you're going to leave the _Normandy _ASAP. And if I catch you on offending or mauling Garrus, I'm just going to kill you. Are we clear?"

"Perfectly, Commander" Miranda spluttered and turned around.

"Did I allow you to leave, Lawson?"

Cerberus operative clenched her teeth.

"Dismissed, Lawson."

Her steps echoed in the mess hall as she was heading for her office. A few crewmen sitting at the tables looked carefully at Shepard and returned to their meals, whispering among themselves. She sighed and glanced at Chakwas, who sat on her chair, obviously tired. Doctor returned her gaze and nodded, smiling reassuringly. Commander felt a huge weight disappearing from her soul. He was going to survive, all the turian spirits be blessed. Maybe he would stay with her even just for a while.

Maybe now her inevitable slide into the heart of the black hole was going to be at least a little slower.

* * *

"Doc's corrected what she could with surgical procedures and some cybernetics" Jacob was reciting in a monotone voice. Shepard had had enough time to have a shower and a possibility to change her clothes, and after that she called him and Massani to a debriefing. The mercenary had already left, but Taylor decided to gave her a report. "Best we can tell, he'll have a full functionality, but—"

The hiss of opening door interrupted him and Jane turned around to face Garrus. Plates on the right side of his face was injured, exposing raw flesh beneath it, while the part near his neck was covered in bandages. It was a fresh wound and the impression was horrible, for combined with the damaged collar of his armour made the turian look like a walking, living apotheosis of misery.

But he was alive and it didn't matter to Jane that he was going to have scars for the rest of his life. He was alive. Although... was he going to stay with her?

"Shepard."

She managed to smile.

"Tough son of a bitch" Taylor shook his head in admiration. She already forgot about his presence here. "I didn't think he'd be up yet."

Garrus glanced at the man, but didn't comment his statement, didn't even show that he cared what the human might think. He transfixed his gaze on Shepard and raised his hand to his cheek. "Nobody would give a mirror... How bad is it?"

_You're still the same, old, charming bastard you were two years ago._

"Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly" she decided to joke. "Slap some face paint on there and no one will even notice."

He apparently wanted to give a laughter, but immediately scowled and touched his right mandible. "Oh, don't make me laugh, damn it... My face is barely holding together as it is."

She chuckled and felt a part of her worry melting away. The beginning was good, but she still had to figure out how to make him stay.

"Some women find facial scars attractive" Vakarian murmured suddenly. "Mind you, most of these women are krogan."

Taylor scowled suddenly, saluted and left. Jane raised an eyebrow and shrugged, not caring at all about his opinion. Garrus became more serious after that, though, as if his previous jokes and happy face was just a facade for the Cerberus operative.

"Frankly, I'm more worried about you. Cerberus, Shepard? Do you remember those sick experiments they were doing?"

As a matter of fact, she did. Every time she saw the Cerberus logo on walls of the _Normandy_ and her uniforms. Every time she had to talk to Miranda Lawson, Jacob Taylor and most of the crew. And every time made her disgust and aggression rouse within her.

"That's why I'm glad you're here" she took a step forward. "If I'm walking into hell, I want someone I can trust by my side."

He gave a bitter laugh, full of cynicism that wasn't there two years ago. "You do realise this plan has me walking into hell as well. Huh... Just like old times."

Shepard didn't say anything, nor did he. After a while she looked into his eyes, tired, distant and cold. There was no sign of that passionate, hot-headed turian she knew.

"You... _are_ willing to stay, aren't you?" she asked carefully. That was her commander voice, steady and without emotions. Voice not even close to the one belonging to woman she was now. She had been victorious on Torfan, she had taken down the Reaper, she had even succeeded in changing her feelings into reason. But now she was lost. Broken. Death defeated her and left her to trample on the ruins of her life.

"Shepard—"

"Just for this mission, of course" she added quickly, feeling the barrier around her feelings swaying. "But if you don't want to, I'll understand."

Garrus took two big steps and Jane suddenly found herself standing mere centimetres away from him. His blue eyes were a bit softer, not entirely, but it made her sure that the man she knew was still somewhere inside him.

"Shepard, there's no other place in this galaxy I want to be more in than here" he said forcefully. "I don't care about Cerberus. You're here and that's enough for me. Though I must admit I have no idea how's even possible that you're... actually here."

"But... Surely there's someone waiting for you and I don't want—"

"There's no one in this galaxy who gives a damn if I'm alive or not" he interrupted her gently, and yet firmly at the same time, his voice echoing with forced indifference. That left her speechless. What the hell happened to him during those two years?

"Do you want to talk?" she decided to suggest, when she finally regained her ability to speak. "We could finish this in private."

It didn't matter how much things had changed. Maybe she could at least try to do something to help him, because there was nothing and no one that could help _her_. It was too late for that. She died and the only road she was able to walk now, was the one into the very core of the black hole. A path into decay. Into the heart of madness lying on the boundary between the part of her mind telling her she's dead and the one telling she's alive. But maybe she could save _him_ from whatever had happened.

"There's nothing to talk about" he shrugged. "I screwed up. It's nothing really new, I guess."

"Garrus, you—"

"Drop it, Shepard" he scowled as much as his hurting face let him. "I can even beg you to do this, if you want."

She felt a cold shiver causing a goose bumps on her skin. When did such a precipice appear between them? Why did he suddenly treat her as if she was a complete stranger to him? It hurt – at least as much as her contained feelings were able to sing within her soul.

"You don't have to beg. You never did."

"Then don't make me now."

_Say something, Jane. _Even if there was no way to have things exactly as they used to be.

"I still consider you to be my friend. You know I have no intention of making you do anything."

Vakarian sighed and looked away. Something was eating him alive and she had no idea what it was. _Staying dead would be much better. And simpler. Damn you, Illusive Man._

"You told me that's easier not to feel" he said finally, looking into her eyes again. The coldness of Alchera was inside them. "That it hurts less. Why didn't you tell me I have to kill my feelings first? And that it hurts like hell?"

"I didn't want you to become as emotionally crippled as am I."

"But you were right" he shook his head. "It was the only way to... let you go."

Jane tilted her head slightly. The turian's voice was hoarse, painful and hollow. Somehow such a combination was possible.

"To... forget was the only way for me to keep going. Now you showed up and I'd like to believe that everything can be okay, but that's not true. I can't be the person I used to be, because I wouldn't bear the awareness of how badly I screwed up."

Shepard suddenly saw in Garrus a reflection of herself after the battle of Torfan. And because she had been completely alone those days, that experience had changed her. She couldn't let the same happen to him. He didn't deserve that.

She reached out to him. He hesitated for a moment, but finally took her hand. Jane doubted if he felt anything because of his gloved hands, but it didn't matter. The gesture itself was all that mattered. The sign of acceptance. And the attempt at building a bridge over that precipice between them. She was fully aware of the impossibility of erasing those two years, but she could at least try to make them less important.

"You told me once I'm not alone, that if something goes wrong, you've got my back. Was it true?"

"Yes."

"Is it _still _true?"

His mandibles twitched and there was a moment of silence. "Yes."

"If that so, I want you to know that it works both ways. You're not alone, Garrus. I've got your back, no matter what."

He gave an unsteady sigh, pulled his hand away and before it could rouse worry and hurt within her, he put his hands on her shoulders. She raised her head and looked into his eyes.

"Were you _really _unable to return earlier?" he asked.

"Garrus, I was _dead_ and later put into pharmacologically-induced coma. In _that _order. They awakened me three days ago and since that moment I've had to fight my way through the facility overrun with mechs, investigate completely abandoned colony and try to acknowledge that I _live _again. So no, I wasn't able to find you earlier!"

Vakarian didn't say anything as her words were becoming more and more loud and furious. And yet there was also a hint of hysteria in her voice, a result of her life crushing against her will.

"I was sure that you've got a wonderful life and I knew I can't ruin it. You know, you deserve the wonderful life of the hero, after all. Your own 'happily ever after'. Then I came to recruit Archangel and he turned out to be you. You with no wonderful life. No happily ever after. I can tell something horrible happened to you and I can understand you may not want to talk about it. But I just _can't _comprehend why you don't trust me anymore."

He shook his head, "I don't trust even _myself _nowadays, Shepard."

She had never reached that state after Torfan, but it had been close, so now she could understand the basics of his mental state. It wasn't something what could be fixed with a few words and in a few days. Depending on the experience, it could even _never _be fixed. She knew one rule, though: she couldn't speed things up. Thus Shepard decided to swallow her hurt caused by seeing him drifting away from her. If she needed an ultimate sign of how things were different after those two years, that was it.

"Well, you can trust _me_, this hasn't changed."

"I know, I'm sorry" he sighed and gently pressed his forehead to her own. It was very warm and of a surprisingly pleasant texture. _Oh. That's new. _"Just... give me some time, Shepard."

She cleared her throat, trying to compose herself. The heat of his body was _extremely _distracting, but his unexpected gesture was a good sign. At least she would like to think so. "Sure. When you're ready, you know where to find me."

He straightened himself and for the first time Jane saw a mild amusement in his eyes. "No... As a matter of fact, I don't."

She chuckled. "Right. I forgot the ship's new."

"Do you have a Mako?"

_Why the hell are you asking about that fucking machine?_

"No."

"Damn" he laughed. "Now what am I going to do in my free time?"

Shepard took him by the arm. "Right now you're gonna rest. In my quarters, by the way."

"Really?" Vakarian murmured softly, his mandibles flared in amusement.

"Don't get funny ideas" she gave him an ironic smirk and nudged him in the ribs. Considering his heavy armour, it wasn't the brightest idea and she momentarily regretted doing that. "I've still got something to do here on Omega, so you can stay in my cabin for now. Changing one of the observation decks into your quarters will take time, after all."

"The truth is, I actually _like _my funny ideas" he laughed again despite his injures, his voice rumbling deep within his chest. She felt the vibrations through her arm and they made her smile. They silenced the voices in her mind. She realised that what had been between them, was mostly gone, but there were still basics. There was a foundation. And thus they could start anew.

She was still smiling when they passed through the armoury and entered the CIC. Garrus took a look around and whistled. Or did something what could be a turian equivalent of a whistle.

"Nice" he nodded. "You have to give me a tour as soon as you're back. What is the ship's name, by the way?"

"Take a guess" Jane chuckled devilishly and he rolled his eyes.

"Right, how could I even ask?"

"Welcome to the _Normandy_, Garrus. Welcome home."


	10. Chapter 10

Shepard gently closed the locker and looked at Garrus sleeping in her bed. Vakarian fell asleep in the uniform he was wearing under the armour he had taken off and left on the floor. There was a terrifying amount of painkillers lying on a bedside table, and she was sure he had taken even more of them already. It wasn't really surprising, considering the seriousness of his injury and how painful it had to be.

She returned about an hour ago, after the quite successful mission of recruiting Mordin Solus. The salarian doctor already bunkered himself in the lab and she was extremely grateful to all turian spirits for that, for she had no patience to listen to his endless talking right now. It was nice, though, to have the professor aboard the ship. She would welcome with open arms everyone who wasn't a Cerberus member.

Okay, maybe not _everyone_ – common sense had to be preserved – but most of them. Useful ones.

Jane also managed to sneak into Vakarian's base while waiting for Solus to finish whatever he had to do in his clinic. She wanted to secure the turian's belongings before Omega scavengers embarked on their quest to rip the whole place apart in searching for anything of value. There wasn't much, though, only a second armour – already damaged at that; what the hell had he been doing? – two sets of casual clothes and a credit chit. She noticed that there were more beds than just his own, and she made a mental note to ask about it when he'd be ready to talk at last. Her gaze was being constantly drawn to the dried out pool of blue blood on the floor, but she was trying not to look at it. She focused instead on packing Garrus' things into a bag. She knew it was just a matter of time when the mercs – or at least those of them who hadn't been a part of that whole mess and thus survived – would come here to check how successful their assault had been. She wasn't able to resist, though, when she found a digital photo frame wrapped in one of shirts of his casual clothes. Jane took it and when a display came to life, she just couldn't stand on her feet.

It was a photograph of Garrus, Wrex and herself, taken during the ceremony that had taken place about a month after the battle of the Citadel. They had already been given medals and had been waiting for the Council to leave, so they could go to the banquet as well. She remembered that situation: Wrex had been telling her she hadn't looked like herself in a dress Anderson had made her to wear. Vakarian hadn't said anything until she had forced him to aid her, and even then he had only muttered that she looked good. She hadn't even glanced at him, concentrated on the argument with the krogan. Only now, because of that photograph, she was finally able to know how happy he had looked that day, with his mandibles flared widely in a huge, turian grin and eyes shining with joy. She suddenly felt a pang of despair. Why had it been taken away from them? That happiness. Fulfilment. Bond.

There was just no coming back.

She swallowed growing hate towards the Collectors, gently put the frame inside the bag and left the base, hoping that she would someday forget Garrus' blood on the floor, and knowing that it was impossible.

Now, when she finally took her armour off and washed from her skin scent of dead bodies burning everywhere in the quarantine zone, she could sit on a couch and try to plan her next move. She wasn't supposed to complete the mission within some certain period of time and because the Collectors' next step was impossible to predict, she was unable to analyse the most likely scenarios.

She slapped the datapad onto the table. The Illusive Man made her run blind, keeping the data about the Collectors for himself, while the only things she'd got were suspicions, non-confirmed involvement of the Reapers she doubted in, and those damned dossiers of people unsuitable for that kind of mission. People she didn't know. People she didn't trust. People she didn't want.

The truth was she didn't have much motivation to go on with the mission. Colonists knew what they were doing while leaving the Citadel Space and the Alliance territory. They had accepted the risks and she couldn't play a charity, even when it came to disappearance of the entire settlements. She had cared once, sure, but those days passed. Now she couldn't find a little bit of interest, probably unless she would see a Reaper above the colony overrun with the Collectors. And yet more probable was her outburst of hate towards the Collectors, because she wasn't even convinced that the Reapers were involved. Not one bit. Ability to fly though the mass relay no one else could use just wasn't a proof strong enough for her to believe in the Illusive Man's stories about those fucking machines messing in the galaxy. Again.

An image of Sovereign crossed her mind. An almost omnipotent timeless being. And yet it – or maybe he? – wasn't invincible. She had told Sovereign it could be broken, it had laughed the idea off, but in the end it was Shepard, not the Reaper, who was right. Good for her, really. And for the galaxy too.

A sound from the message terminal caught her attention. Jane sighed and forced her fatigued muscles to move, so she could climbed up the stairs leading to her workspace. She didn't remember the last time her body hurt so badly after a physical effort. Her shape used to be perfect, but it was understandable to assume that after two years spent on a operating table she had to start working on her condition again. She was pretty surprised that she had been able to stand up and walk immediately after waking up in the first place. It was probably possible because of the cybernetics she had been implanted with. _Damn you, Illusive Man. I'll kill you for what you've done to me._

She touched the keypad and looked at the terminal. There was one unread message and she froze, seeing sender's address. That wasn't right, that _couldn't _be right. How could he even know she's alive?

_You're not alive. You're dead!_

_Would you please shut the hell up?!_

Shepard quickly read the message and after a while pushed the button of the intercom.

"Joker, set the course to the Citadel."

She had nothing important to do anyway.

"Are we really going to show our wonderful faces somewhere in the civilised space, Commander?"

"Indeed. That's why I recommend you staying on the ship."

"Very funny. Your sense of humour is even worse than it was."

She smiled to herself. What would she do without Joker? "That's the reason why _you're_ joking here, while _I'm_ in command."

"ETA in 18 hours, Commander. Three mass relay jumps included."

"Thanks, Joker. And get some sleep, will ya?"

"Do you really want me to leave this thing in control of my baby?"

"Not exactly" she agreed hesitantly, knowing he meant that damned AI. "But think of something. I don't want you to pass out from exhaustion, and I don't want you to sleep in the cockpit either. Shepard out."

She turned the intercom off and closed the terminal as well. Her fingers found their way to her temples and she began to rub them hardly, trying to chase the pain away. Apparently she wasn't used to the sound of gunfire anymore, and she felt head ready to explode. _Welcome to your life, Jane._

"How can you sleep seeing stars above you?"

Shepard almost jumped, hearing Garrus' suddenly murmured question. She looked at the turian, who woke up at some moment during her conversation with the pilot and now was lying on his back with the gaze transfixed on the window in the ceiling. He was right; she knew that it wasn't good for one's mental health to look at the stars while being in FTL.

"Morning, sunshine" she smiled, approached the bed and folded her arms. "How are you feeling?"

"Been better" he winced and looked at her. "Morning _what_?

"Just a human saying, nothing to worry about" she waved her hand. "Shall I call Chakwas?"

Vakarian stretched his arms and sat. "No, it's okay. I'd be surprised if my face _didn't _hurt. So tell me now, how can you sleep seeing stars?"

_Yeah, I died and was brought back to life, and all you're asking is what I think about the window in my cabin. _She didn't say it aloud and just shrugged instead. "It's simple. I sleep on the sofa. Bed is too comfortable, I'm not used to it."

"You should try, it's good."

"There's no point, I don't sleep much."

He looked at her, realisation dawning in his eyes. "Some things never change, huh?"

"I wasn't aware of those two years, you know? For me it's like the _Normandy _was destroyed a few days ago. So yes, the only difference is that I've got nightmares about my death in addition to those usual about Torfan and visions from the Prothean beacons."

The turian didn't answer and Jane noticed that his mandibles were twitching unconsciously. She knew him well enough to tell that he was considering something.

"Could you sit down?" he asked finally. She raised an eyebrow and sat beside him. There was a moment of silence and Garrus suddenly took her hand. That was surprising. Of course they used to have a physical contact, more or less conscious gestures, but since the moment she had met him on Omega, it was already more intense than during those months they had spent together two years ago. Not that she was complaining, not at all. His proximity was able to quieten the voices in her head. They weren't silenced completely, but at least became more like a hum, not a quarrel of crazy, drunken salarians. It was comforting and she wanted it to stay that way.

"I guess I don't have to worry about invading your sacred, turian, personal space" she laughed and Vakarian squeezed her hand.

"You never did, you've earned the eternal right to invade my personal space" he chuckled, paraphrasing her own words, and she smiled hearing that. Did he really remember that conversation? She was about to ask when his eyes became serious again. "I just want to thank you for saving my life... and I'm sorry for being such an ass after that. So if I do something what annoys or hurts you again, go ahead and punch me. Just in the left side of my face, please."

"Garrus, we've been through this already. Just tell me if I can do anything to help."

"I need time to acknowledge that you're wi—here again" he explained and Shepard involuntarily started thinking what did he possibly want to say. "After that I just need to figure out how to tell you what happened when you were gone. That's all."

"Take all the time you need."

Vakarian sighed, still holding her hand. "Thanks... I forgot what it's like to have you around."

Jane smiled devilishly. "I know what can remind you that."

"Oh. And what is that?" he asked after a moment of silence, his voice full of disbelief and mischief at the same time. Her smile widened, but she silently wondered why the hell there was also a hint of hope.

"My fascinating story about our current mission."

* * *

The Citadel looked as impressive as it always did, a sign of stability in a galactic chaos. Blue and purple clouds of matter enveloped the station, creating a resemblance of a grain floating inside an ethereal, endless space. Numerous ships of every species living in the Citadel Space were flying near the station arms, and Shepard recalled the day when the _Normandy _had arrived to the Widow Nebula after the mission on Eden Prime. That image was immediately replaced by the one of the Citadel with the closed arms, burning and falling apart piece by piece, with Sovereign looming over the wards. She saw the Citadel Tower and she remembered it almost completely destroyed.

"Citadel control, this is _Normandy SR-2_, requesting permission to dock."

"_Stand by for clearance, _Normandy."

Joker looked at Shepard standing behind his seat. "You know, we can't use the Alliance docking bay anymore."

"I know."

"That means docking fees, Commander."

She sighed. "I know."

"Just don't pay them using my salary, okay?"

"I think I'll reduce Miranda's one, don't worry."

"_Permission granted, _Normandy" a flight controller announced. "_Sending a vector to the docking bay. Welcome to the Citadel."_

"Thanks, good to be back" Joker closed the channel and began the approach. "You don't look well, Commander."

_I'm dead, what else should I look like?_

_You're not dead, not anymore._

"I still can't believe it's been two years, that's all" she shook her head, trying to sound as confidently as she only could. She reached out and activated the ship's intercom. "This is Commander Shepard speaking. Garrus, doctor Solus, I'd like to speak with you in the debriefing room. The rest of the crew, you're dismissed for 48 hours of a shore leave. Have a nice day."

Joker looked at her. "48 hours? You must have planned something big."

"A major customisation of the ship. And I've also got a meeting I must attend."

"Why do I get the feeling you're not happy about it?"

"You know how much I _love _the turian councillor."

* * *

Shepard was amazed and she wasn't a person easy to amaze. Her memories brought images of the Presidium crawling with geth, with bodies of dead C-Sec agents floating on the surface of lakes and of air full of smoke of burning trees. There had been no more artificial sunlight – only darkness, red emergency lamps here and there, orange glow of the fire and flickering hologram of broken-down Avina. Even a month after the battle, the Presidium had had only a shade of its previous glory, and the ceremony had taken place in the Financial District, where damages had been relatively the least extensive.

Now everything was as it used to be before the attack. Maybe trees were smaller, but she could notice no sign of the destruction she had witnessed after that wild ride through the Conduit.

_What did they do with it, by the way?_

She turned her head to look at the Citadel Tower – another place that bore no hint of what had happened in the Presidium two years ago – and yes, the miniature mass relay was still where it had been. Inactive, of course, but present, a backdoor to the Citadel, as well as a huge strategic weakness. Jane wondered briefly if it still was seen just as a monument of the Prothean pride.

"We're here" pilot announced, stopping the cab. She wanted to fly the machine herself as she used to – she might be a lousy driver of the Mako, but her flying skills were better than average – but apparently that was no longer possible in the Presidium.

She sighed. "Yeah, I can see that."

"Well, you seem pretty distracted, so I thought I'd wake you."

She ignored a smile on the pilot's face and exited the vehicle. A salarian immediately got in and the machine took off, leaving Shepard standing alone near a plaza where the entrances to various embassies were located. It had never been a crowded place and that didn't change. She wondered why the meeting was to take place in Anderson's office, not in the Citadel Tower. Maybe they didn't want to make it public. Or maybe she finally became an inconvenience, just as Udina had kept telling her.

"Screw this" she muttered to herself and crossed the plaza, not stopping even when a receptionist wanted to talk. Jane didn't need help, she knew well where she was going. And yet she hesitated for a moment, before she pushed the button of the entrance console. She needed to silence voices whispering about her death above Alchera.

"Ah, Commander, we've been just talking about you."

Shepard smiled faintly, hearing a sincere joy in Anderson's voice. She shook hands with him and glanced at the holographic projections of another members of the Council. They didn't even come to meet her in person.

"Long time no see, Anderson. How have you been?"

"There were some rough moments, but we cooperate" he shrugged and turned around to face the Council. She sighed and stood by his side.

"We arranged this meeting so we could discuss your unexpected return" the salarian councillor was the one who spoke first.

"We've heard some unsettling rumours about you" the asari councillor admitted, "and we decided to give you a chance to explain yourself. You saved our lives after all, we owe you that much."

_Yeah, and even Saren would be more grateful than you ever were. _"It would be easier for me to know what kind of rumours you're talking about."

"The word is you're working with Cerberus, an avowed enemy of the Council" the asari tilted her head. "That's treason, a capital offense."

"Those bastards work fast" Jane groaned and rubbed her temples. "Look, I didn't have much choice where to wake up after two years spent on an operating table. I use them to get information and money. They want to me to investigate abductions of the human colonies in the Terminus Systems. Not that I care about the colonists, they knew the risks of living there, but I have to opportunity to avenge those of my crew who died two years ago."

"So you know who's attacking the colonies" Anderson said and it wasn't a question. If he didn't like her indifferent words about the colonists, he didn't show it.

Shepard nodded. "Yes. The Collectors. I saw the security footage on Freedom's Progress, so this information is valid and confirmed."

"We don't have the authority to act in the Terminus Systems, Shepard" the turian councillor stated it as a fact. Just like she didn't know that before.

"I didn't ask for your help. I just want to inform you that after I'm done with the Collectors, I'm going to find and kill every single Cerberus member in this galaxy. If you're interested in a public lawsuit of the Illusive Man, I'll hand him over to you. If not, I'm just gonna blow him up with any facility he's hiding in."

"That's a little bit extreme, Commander" the asari folded her arms, but the turian seemed to be pleasantly surprised.

"They're terrorists, councillor, and you know it" Jane reminded her. "They experimented on rachni and Thorian creepers, killed an Alliance Admiral and turned the entire settlement into husks. You were more than happy when I reported destruction of some of their bases two years ago."

"And yet you're working with them now."

"As I said, I use them to have money and intel. The funny thing is the Illusive Man sees an involvement of the Reapers where I do not. Apparently he thinks that's enough for me to become convinced that I should be on his side. He's wrong, of course."

"Ah yes, the Reapers" the turian mocked her and she couldn't believe her eyes when he used the air quotes gesture, such a human one in origin. "The immortal race of sentient starships, allegedly waiting in the dark space. We have dismissed that claim."

_Remind me, brain, why did we decide to save them? Ah yes, you wanted to see their faces after '_I told you so'._ How stupid of you, Jane._

"You saw Sovereign, don't you tell me you believe it was a geth ship."

"Geth are capable of remarkable technological achievements" the asari aided her colleague.

"We believe that you believe in the existence of the Reapers" the salarian councillor blinked and sighed, "but this doesn't make it true. We just don't have an evidence solid enough to support your claim."

"I'll do my best then to convince a next one to have a chat with you. Expect bullshit about superiority and being '_a vanguard of your destruction_'.

The holographic projections exchanged looks with each other, so they had to be in one room. The turian shook his head and the asari frowned. After a while he winced and nodded, and Shepard realised that they had earlier talked about something regarding her. It seemed that now was the time to make a decision and the turian councillor was arguing. Garrus was right, some things never change.

"Can we be sure that you really intend to work with Cerberus only as long as you need to complete your investigation on the Collectors?" the asari asked in a low, serious voice. Jane sighed again and folded her arms. How many times did she have to assure them about that?

"I don't know who gave them my body, councillor. I don't know how was possible to bring a dead person back to life. They implanted a crazy amount of cybernetics into me. And when I woke up, I was told that there was even an idea of reviving me with a control chip in my brain. Everything they did, has got only one effect: I don't trust humans anymore. So yes, answering your question, I intend to make this cooperation as short as possible."

They exchanged glances once again and Shepard could almost feel Anderson's gaze, full of compassion and pity. She didn't look at him, didn't want his compassion. Didn't need it. The only thing she needed was revenge on both the Collectors and Cerberus. And something what could permanently silence the voices in her mind.

"If that so, there is a way we can show our support" the asari councillor tilted her head. "We can't do this officially, given your ties, but it will make you sure we're still on your side, Commander."

"We know that you're a destruction made flesh" the turian clasped his hands behind his back, "but if you keep low-profile and restrict your operations to the Terminus Systems, the Council is willing to reinstate your Spectre status."

Oh. That was surprising.

"Do you want reports on Cerberus in return?"

"That would be... appreciated" the salarian councillor nodded after a while, obviously shocked.

"We have a deal, then" Jane smiled. "I must admit I got used to my Spectre status."

"It's good to have you back, Commander" the asari smiled too. "We look forward to the end of your current investigation, as well as your work with Cerberus."

"One more thing, councillor. Does that government clinic still exist? The one me and my team received a medical care in after the battle of the Citadel."

"Yes, it does."

"Is it possible for me to have a full body scan and a surgery if necessary? And a salarian or an asari doctor. I don't want a human one."

"You want to know what exactly Cerberus did to you, don't you?" the turian said slowly and for the first time Shepard heard neither anger, nor disrespect in his voice. She simply nodded, because there was no need for words.

"I'll tell my assistant to arrange a visit" the asari offered. "Be there in an hour."

The holograms flickered and disappeared, leaving her and Anderson standing in front of an empty wall. She caught a glimpse of mixed feelings that could be seen on his face, and she hoped he wouldn't start being sorry for her. She didn't need her old commanding officer telling her how bad her situation was.

"Well, that went well" Anderson folded his arms, apparently aware that he would make a mistake by noticing her life being screwed-up even more than two years ago.

"Surprisingly well."

"You've got an hour, want to drink something with old friend?" he smiled hesitantly and Jane laughed.

"Sure."

* * *

About three hours later she was sitting on a bench in front of one of the Presidium lake, with a bottle of beer in one hand and an OSD in the other. She asked the asari doctor not to tell her about the results, she wanted to see them herself. No surgery had been necessary, though, so apparently Miranda Lawson had obeyed Illusive Man's instructions and didn't bring her back to life with some kind of control chip.

Shepard decided to be honest with herself and admitted that she really didn't want to see the results of the scan. And yet she knew it was inevitable to check them. Damn, she simply _had _to know what Cerberus did to her body. She never ran away from danger, she always faced it. Now was the time to do that again. To face dangers was the only way of life she knew.

Jane sighed and took a sip of her beer. She missed times when the dangers could simply be shot and killed. Like the turian councillor said, she was a destruction made flesh. She was able to handle any situation, she could even play a negotiator, but deep inside her soul she was still a N7 marine, a commando of the elite special forces. Old habits die hard, and most of her old habits included using a gun to solve problems.

"What a nice view, isn't it?"

Shepard looked at a woman sitting beside her on the bench. When the hell had she sat there? How was it possible not to notice a fact of having a company?

"Yeah, nice" she agreed after a moment of silence. Why did she even bother to answer?

"What did it look like after the geth attack?"

_Oh yeah, 'cause I tell everyone how it was here during and after the attack_. Jane sighed and decided to play oblivious. "Why should I know?"

The woman smiled widely. "You're Commander Shepard, after all. Pleasure to meet you. My name's Kasumi Goto. I'm a fan."


	11. Chapter 11

At first, Garrus heard voices. Nothing really clear, just echoes and sounds resonating within the walls of the main battery. He wasn't sure what they were, and he decided to do his best to ignore them. Those sounds reminded him the horror that had happened to him during the battle of the Citadel, Sovereign's indoctrinating signal messing with his thoughts. A memory of the experience he had never been able to forget. So now he just wanted not to think about it and focus on calibrations of the _Normandy_'s main guns. He found something to do, after all – one of his contacts had sent him schematics of the Thanix Cannon and he was trying to determine if the ship's armaments could be upgraded. It was a definitely a better way to kill the time than the constant repairs of the Mako.

They left the Citadel a few hours ago, after two days spent on removing all the surveillance bugs Mordin and Vakarian could find. And yet a woman sent by Shepard found a lot more when she came aboard. Her name was Kasumi Goto and he had a vague impression that he had heard of her. A thief, or something like that. He just couldn't stop admiring her skills in finding and disabling cameras and security equipment, though. They spent later some time in the mess hall together, and he had to admit that as for a thief, Kasumi was surprisingly nice. And she wasn't a Cerberus member, so it was a next reason for him not be her enemy.

His mind drifted to the moment he had noticed three well-equipped people among freelancers back there on Omega. He had been acting on autopilot then – point, shoot, reload, point, shoot, reload, point... – and it had almost stunned him when he had recognised Shepard as one of them. Shepard angry and looking horrible, her face marked with scars and deep bruises under her eyes. He had come to a conclusion he's insane, that he had finally lost his mind some day between the doom of his squad and the final mercenary assault. But if insanity meant Shepard, he would gladly accept it. Then she had come, embraced him without hesitation and care about two men staring at them with dropped jaws, and he had to admit that he's not insane at all, that it was really happening and she had been there again, alive, when she had been supposed to be dead. No matter how and why. Alive. That was _all _that mattered.

After he came on board, he didn't have much free time to think about the situation. He was sleeping most of the time, stunned by painkillers. Today was the first day he decided not to take the pills and he was determined to keep it that way. But damn, it was hard, his face hurt like hell.

Disembodied voices sounded again, trailing off and resonating. He clenched his teeth. It was annoying, breaking his focus and freeing thoughts he was trying to confine. Thoughts about Shepard. It had taken him two painful years to forget – at least he kept telling himself he forgot. Now, not even a week was enough to evoke thoughts he thought silenced. Feelings he thought dead. Futile feelings, impossible and insane ones, and he was self-aware enough to admit that. What was with Shepard that made him interested in her? Was it because of the fact that she had always had time for him? Maybe because that she had been the only person he could really rely on? Or maybe because that they clung to each other, searching and finding what they hadn't had in themselves. He had never been attracted to humans after all, he still wasn't. And yet all he wanted now was to hold her close – Shepard, that one woman, a _human_ woman – and to make that enormous hole in his soul full again. It had been a few days before the destruction of the _Normandy_ when he had acknowledged those feelings for the first time. He had been grounded on the Citadel those days, while she had been travelling somewhere through the Terminus Systems, looking for the geth, but finding only her own, lonely death. He doubted, however, that he would have told her anything, even if she had returned. But she hadn't and it had been already too late to confess. Now, when those feelings haunted him again, he still didn't decide what to do. If he told her, she would probably laugh or freak out, or run away, or something. He still was a friend to her, that was enough. That was the only thing he had left in this galaxy and he wouldn't destroy that just because he could gain something more. Risks were much greater than potential gains.

A voice. A sound. Again. And he suddenly recognised Shepard's laughter. Shepard's drunken laughter at that. He looked around and finally noticed a small ventilation shaft. Well, that was comforting, he was still sane. But... who the hell was she drinking with? And where?

_Stop thinking about it. Do the calibrations and go get some sleep._

Right... it was easier to say than to do, especially after a next burst of laughter. He growled and reluctantly left the main battery, heading for the mess hall. He could as well grab something to eat.

"Going to Chakwas?" Gardner folded his arms as he made some place near the fridge for the turian. "If I were you, I wouldn't let her come too much close my face right now."

"Why not?" Garrus asked, silently wondering why all of the Cerberus crew were so nice to him. Did Shepard make them to?

"That's why" Gardner pointed his finger at the med bay. Vakarian looked and froze, feeling incredulity rousing within his soul.

He saw drunken Shepard a few times, but he didn't suppose he would ever see drunken Chakwas, chuckling like a little girl. He looked at Jane again and felt himself smiling. Happy Commander was such a rare sight.

Mass Sergeant shook his head. "Who would have thought I'd see drunken Shepard?"

"She doesn't drink much, that's for sure" Garrus admitted. "And when she does, she makes sure none of her crew see that."

"You two are close?"

"It's not your business."

"Relax, I'm just curious" Gardner raised his hands defensively, seeing something dangerous lighting up in the turian's eyes.

"Curiosity's not healthy" Vakarian reminded him, closed the fridge and sat at the table. He wasn't able to eat while standing, when he was half-blinded by pain.

It was already a night shift, so thankfully the mass hall was almost empty and thus silent. He liked silence, even despite the fact that his thoughts were louder then. After a few days of struggling after deaths of his people, he had accepted those thoughts and the guilt he was supposed to live with for the rest of his life. And yet he had not accepted the justification, hadn't let it go and was still looking for that fucking traitor. He owed retribution to his squad.

"Hey."

He looked at Kasumi, who sat in front of him, holding a bowl full of... something. He wasn't exactly sure what it was.

"Hey."

"How's your face?"

"As bad as it looks" he shrugged. There was a moment of awkward silence and he cleared his throat. His interpersonal skills always sucked. "So... you're planning to stay?"

"For a while, yes" she admitted. "Despite the fact that Cerberus was trying to recruit me, but I turned the offer down. Their payment was too low for me to join. I may be the best thief in the galaxy, but I'm not a terrorist."

"What do you know about them?" Garrus asked, intending to tell her about the facilities they had found and destroyed two years ago, if only she thought too highly of the group.

"More than most people would ever want to know" Kasumi scowled. "I stole over a half of their databases after all. Not pretty stuff, that's for sure."

Well, that was interesting.

"And yet you're here. What's changed?"

"I met Shepard" she explained. "This woman's a wreck, so... You know, my help can't make things worse. I hope so, at least. And I've been thinking of changing my job, trying something new. I may as well end up being a hero."

"You may as well end up being dead."

"I know. But I'll try to make something good, right?"

There was a hiss of opening door and both of them looked at the med bay. Shepard stood near the entrance and Garrus recognised an expression of her face – it was the one when she was completely drunk, though she was trying hard to pretend it was otherwise. Her first step made him sure about that, and a concern in Kasumi's eyes convinced him to get up and take Shepard by the arm in order to help her stand on her feet.

"I'm okay" she muttered. Oh yes, that was also typical of a state she was in. Thankfully, he knew well what to do.

"Sure, I just want to accompany you."

"Yeah, okay" she shrugged and Garrus guided her to the elevator. Once inside, she leaned against the wall and closed her eyes, and he could watch her. He had never seen her _so_ drunk before and he knew that she never had more than just a few drinks without an occasion. And the only occasion was the anniversary of the battle of Torfan.

Which was in three months, _definitely _not today.

He could smell the alcohol and it became even stronger, when he opened the door of her cabin. Two bottles on the table. Empty bottles. Another one on the desk, half-emptied. What the hell was going on?

He was observing as Shepard took the bottle from the desk and scowled, noticing a datapad lying nearby. She sat on the bed and took a big sip of the alcohol. Her eyes were hollow, transfixed on the wall in front of her. Seeing her like that was tearing him apart.

"Shepard?" he started, his words trailing off in uncertainty. "What's wrong?"

"Nothin'" she shook her head. "Just blowin' off steam."

"This is nowhere near of blowing off steam" he growled and took a step closer. "I can see something's wrong. What is it?"

"See that datapad?" Jane pointed the desk using the bottle in her hand. "Read, if ya want."

Vakarian tilted his head, but he took the PDA after a moment of consideration. He found the medical data like blood pressure and heartbeat, and dozens more of those usual ones. There was nothing what could cause such an effect on her, so he kept looking. Finally, he noticed body scans and took a closer look. He wasn't a doctor, but damn, that didn't look good. Over a half of bones replaced by synthetic substitutes, implants all over body – mostly in vital organs, biosynthetic eyes, bone, muscle and skin weaves... and more, the list was long.

"Is this what I think it is?" he asked carefully, when he put the datapad back onto the desk and crouched in front of Shepard, so he could look into her eyes.

"I am not even a human anymore" she said slowly, trying to pronounce clearly every word.

"Shep, cybernetic enhancements are common these days."

"But not so... so..." she shook her head, failing to find a word she needed. He wanted to embrace her and clenched his fists instead. It was not the right moment to say '_You know, I failed not to become infatuated with you'._

"They're so extensive just because you were dead" he took her hand. "And I don't care what you have inside as long as you're alive."

_And as long as I can be here, with you. Damn it, Vakarian, when did you become so pathetic fool driven by emotions you can't eradicate?_

"Just like old times, huh?" she smiled finally.

"Just like old times" he lied, because the old times were over. Everyone changed and moved on, and she was left behind, the same old Shepard. She didn't deserve that.

"How's your face?"

Why did everyone keep asking that?

"It hurts" he admitted. There was no point in hiding the truth about that.

"I'm sorry" Jane shook her head. "It's my fault, if I—"

"Don't, Shepard. You've got nothing to be sorry about."

She sighed and looked at the bottle she was still holding. He could tell that there was something more, that it was not only the scans what made her so ruined. And he knew she was not going to tell him what it was. She never did. While she had been asking what's wrong with him, he had always had to find out on his own what's wrong with her.

"Shut up" she mumbled suddenly and drank everything what was left on the bottle.

"Shepard? I didn't say—"

"Not you" she waved her hand, obviously annoyed. "Voices."

Garrus looked at her, startled. "What voices?"

"Never mind" Jane muttered and tried to get up, but he put his hands on her shoulders, making her sit still.

"Shepard, talk to me, damn it" he growled. "What voices? What the hell is going on?"

"I..." she hid her face in hands. "I keep hearing them, on and on. One's telling I'm dead and the other I'm alive. I can't make them gone. I just... can't."

Garrus didn't think twice, he simply wrapped his arms around her body and pulled her close, trying to come up with something he could do, or at least say. Nothing came to his mind, but what could he even possibly tell? '_It's okay, don't worry'_? Bullshit. It wasn't okay. His anger came to life. Why did Cerberus do this to her? Why did they make her go through something like that?

"There are moments they're quieter" Shepard murmured into his neck and he felt her warm breath on the soft skin of his throat. Holding her felt... right. It shouldn't, though. "During fight and when... you're close. But they're never gone."

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. _Oh, you stupid, stubborn, too proud woman._

She looked at him. "Why do you care?"

"Because" Vakarian snapped. "Why do _you _care for _me_?"

"You should know."

An answer that wasn't the answer at all. She was a master in those, even when she was utterly drunk.

"And you should know why _I_ care about what's wrong with _you_."

She leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed. Garrus let his hands slide down her shoulders and rest on her hips. It was an unconscious gesture and he didn't even notice that until she tensed and looked at him.

"Sorry" he muttered in embarrassment and made a step towards the door, intending to leave, but she just smiled and grabbed his hand. Thank the spirits she was drunk.

"It's okay. I appreciate you're here."

Vakarian cleared his throat, silently cursing himself for his inability to control his own feelings and actions.

"Try to rest, Shep" he suggested and straightened up. "And don't drink more."

He saw that she bit her lip, an obvious sign of nerves. He knew that expression – she wanted to do something. While she was drunk enough to admit that something was wrong with her, she still was too sober to be able to ask for anything. Her pride didn't let her. So his mind raced, when he was trying to figure out what she could possibly wanted to say.

"Night, Garrus" she muttered and lay on her back. In her clothes.

"I... uh..." he coughed, knowing that it could prove awkward if he misunderstood her intentions. "I can stay if you want."

Her eyes lightened up a bit, but she tried to hide it, curving his lips into a sly smirk, so typical of her. And yet that was the only confirmation he needed.

"You should go get some sleep yourself" Jane said despite the fact that he already made his decision.

"I already told you I like your bed, it's _very_ comfortable" the turian gave a bitter laugh and sat on the edge of the mattress. She laughed and took his hand.

"Thank you."

And if by any chance he didn't know she was drunk, that would be the sign. She was almost unable to thank for anything.

"Always, Shepard. I'm here if you need me."

* * *

"He's big" Kasumi shook her head and leaned against the wall.

"Exceptional, really" Mordin was almost jumping in excitement. "Exceptional example of a krogan specimen. Wish I could study him."

"Commander, we know _nothing_ about it" Miranda scowled and folded her arms. "I would advise against waking it up."

"Him" the salarian doctor corrected and blinked rapidly. "It's a male, definitely a male."

"Whatever" Lawson waved her hand dismissively. "The point is this krogan was created. The normal ones are dangerous and we have no way of knowing how this one will behave."

"I know. Don't you see this fascinating?" Shepard grinned devilishly and the rest of the team, even Jacob, chuckled more or less openly. Miranda muttered something inaudible and left. Taylor saluted quickly and followed her.

"Now" Jane folded her arms, "what do you think about our package?"

Solus came closer the tank and looked at the unconscious krogan inside it. "Worth of studying, yes. But worth of awakening too. Can be an addition to the team. Can be a problem, but nothing is sure without waking him up."

"I'm not a big fan of krogans" Garrus shrugged. "It's nothing really weird, I'm a turian after all. It's your call, Shep, but remember one thing: it's not good, old Wrex we're talking about."

"It can be fun" Kasumi admitted after a moment of consideration. "And as you said before, we know nothing about him. It's fascinating."

"I'm waking him, then."

"Your suicide ideas are going to kill me one day" Vakarian rolled his eyes and took his rifle. "Go ahead. I'll watch your six."

"No, you won't" Commander shook his head. "Everybody out."

The turian growled and looked at her. "Shepard—"

"Garrus" she folded her arms, trying not to smile seeing irritated twitch of his mandibles. She nodded at Mordin and Kasumi, who exchanged glances and left. Goto's chuckle could be heard even through the door she closed behind her.

"Shepard..."

Damn, that _really_ reminded her of Wrex.

"Garrus, leave, please" she sighed. "Paraphrasing your own words: krogans aren't big fans of the turians."

"You think I'll leave you alone with him?"

She gave him a wry smile. "I appreciate your concern, but get the hell out of here, Vakarian. That's an order. And don't worry, I'll be fine."

"I'll be outside" he snapped and left. She laughed to herself and approached the tank.

"I'm opening this thing, EDI. Be ready to disconnect it from the _Normandy_'s systems."

"Cerberus protocols are clear what to do while dealing with an alien technology" the AI's voice was full of disapproval.

"I won't be second-guessed on my own ship _by_ my own ship. Do as I say."

"Very well, Shepard. The switch – and consequences – are yours."

And Jane didn't even register how she found herself thrown against the wall, struggling to breathe.


	12. Chapter 12

_She murmured something and snuggled up to him. He chuckled and gently stroked her back, trying to keep her bare skin warm enough._

"_Jane, we have to go."_

"_There's still an hour or so..."_

"_Forty two minutes" he specified. "Going back takes twenty. And five more for you to get dressed in that new, fancy armour of yours."_

"_That still leaves seventeen minutes to make use of" she gave him a wry smile and reached out to touch his cheek. He took her hand and kissed her fingers while his second hand found a firm grip on her waist._

"_You forgot about the shower."_

"_Now you're talking" she laughed and got up._

"_Damn it, Shepard, you're—" he shook his head and burst into laughter just as she did._

"_Oh, c'mon, Tom, do you really want to leave me alone in that bathroom?"_

"_Never, you wicked woman" he grinned, stood up and pulled her into embrace._

_

* * *

_

Shepard sighed and looked at the clock. Hours were passing not as quickly as she would like to. It was another sleepless night in her too comfortable bed. She was tired, her muscles and head ached, and now her past woke up to haunt her thoughts. It couldn't haunt her dreams, because she didn't sleep long enough to dream. She didn't exactly know was she supposed to be happy about it – because she didn't have nightmares – or maybe worried – because she had no idea how long could she last without slumber long enough for her body to relax. How long would it take for exhaustion to takes its toll on her health and skills.

Thankfully, it hadn't happened yet. She was still able to go to a mission, accomplish it and come back alive. That's how it was with the last one. Its effects were the destruction of the prison ship called _Purgatory_ and the recruitment of an utterly crazy biotic. Jack, if the name was real. She was completely nuts and Shepard had no idea what had possessed her to let Jack come aboard. That would bite in her in the ass some day, she was sure about it. Right now the convict wasn't leaving her hidey hole below the engineering deck, though, so a relative calm reigned on board of the _Normandy_. They were scouting edges of the Terminus Systems, stopping sometimes to probe uninhabited planets for resources. Jane did that once or twice herself, but after that she pulled rank on Miranda Lawson and made her do the probing. The Cerberus operative wanted to be an XO, so Commander let her know what it's like. As a result, Miranda didn't talk to her anymore. Shepard couldn't say she wasn't pleased with the outcome, though.

She found some kind of routine of her daily activities. It was quite similar to the one she had had on the first _Normandy, _but she was spending less time on talking with the crew. They were Cerberus members after all, not Alliance soldiers. However, even when she was going ashore with the team, she was later coming back to her quarters to spend evenings and nights there, alone, haunted by thoughts and voices in her head. She didn't have to be alone – Kasumi and Joker were trying to talk her into going to the mess hall in the evenings; she was grateful, but in the end she refused, wishing them good time. Garrus, on the other hand, became even more introverted than he had been after that massacre on Omega. He still didn't want to talk about what had happened to him, so she didn't insist. She had to admit, though, that waking up beside him was really nice. Voices were almost completely quiet and despite the hangover of the size of a planet, she was happy that day.

That was also one of the reasons she secluded herself deliberately. Considering the fact that drinking wasn't much successful in silencing the voices, Shepard decided to try something else. Reading didn't work out, as well as playing stupid extranet games. Staring at the ceiling was pointless, but she finally came up with an idea. Liara had once wanted to teach her how to meditate. It had been a disaster, for Jane was unable to relax and stop thinking. Now, though, when she had no other choice, she grasped that idea again.

After many, many annoying hours, she achieved at least some kind of success. Voices became quieter – only a bit, but it was enough not to affect her thinking anymore. She could live with that. She had also had to live with a flood of thoughts, a side-effect of her so-called meditations. And those thoughts were worse than hangover. She hadn't experienced them for years and she had been quite happy about that. She didn't want to dwell on her past.

"Commander?" EDI's voice sounded through the ship's intercom. AI had to use it since Shepard destroyed its terminal in her cabin.

"I'm not sleeping, EDI, go ahead" she answered with a sigh. She still wasn't used to the presence of that thing aboard her ship.

"The Illusive Man wishes to speak to you in the debriefing room."

Jane rolled her eyes and looked at the clock. 0200 Zulu. What if she had been sleeping?

"What the hell does he want?" she snapped.

"I don't know, Commander" if EDI could shrug, she – _it, Jane, IT, not she_ – would do that. "The transmission, however, is urgent."

"Okay, I'm on my way."

She didn't like talking to the Illusive Man – it was always more a contest, some sick battle of wits, than a normal chat – less even in the middle of the night. The night shift at least meant she wouldn't run into Kelly Chambers, informing her about all the new messages she didn't read.

"Shepard" the Illusive Man started at the first moment he saw her. Thankfully, she skipped all the unnecessary pleasantries and cut to the chase. "I think we've got something."

_Oh, really? I've got insomnia and voices in my head. Except for a high possibility of a lung cancer, what have _you _got, Timmy?_

"Horizon, one of our colonies, just went silent."

* * *

_She looked at soldiers gathered in the cargo bay. They were good people, most of them were trained marines with a field expertise, but some part of her mind couldn't help but see them almost as rookies. They were nervous – it was obvious for someone who knew what to look at. She did. Of course she was a little bit nervous too, but all that years spent on training at Arcturus Station and military service after the graduation were enough to keep a cold focus. She was one of a few graduates of the N7 training programme – they were supposed to do their best in every situation. Failure was not an option._

_Yes, no pressure on the N7 graduates._

_She inspected the shield generator and her weapons – a full set of them: an assault and a sniper rifle, a pistol and a shotgun – rather because of the habit than a real necessity. Everything was ready for the mission, so she just leaned against the wall and waited. Many of the marines, though, kept checking their weapons on and on – another sign of stress._

"_Who do you think will be in charge of the ground team?"_

_She shrugged. "Hell if I know, Tom."_

_It didn't really matter, as long as a person in charge was going to be good in his or her job._

_Her thoughts drifted to the images of Elysium. She was a part of the reinforcements sent there to help to defend the attacked colony. She always considered herself as a very open-minded and tolerant person, for she had a constant contact with other races from the very beginning of her childhood. However, the things she saw on Elysium made her hate the batarians. And there was nothing she could about that._

_She straightened up, when her commanding officer, Major Kyle, entered the cargo bay._

"_At ease, soldiers. We've got no time for salutes."_

_Tom looked at her and she saw excitement in his eyes. No more waiting._

"_All of you know that our mission's not going to be easy. Batarians have the home ground advantage, but they're just slavers. Terrorists. There are more of them, but you're better trained and much better equipped."_

_She scowled slightly. Major Kyle was a good soldier, but his speeches sucked._

"_And to assure the mission will be successful, an experienced officer will be in charge of the ground team. Someone who already know what it's like to fight and win in a fight with the batarians. Lieutenant Shepard?"_

"_Yes, sir."_

"_They're all yours. Show these batarians what it means to start a war with the Alliance. We all count on you."_

_Again – no pressure._

"_Yes, sir!"_

"_Approaching drop zone" helmsman announced through the ship's intercom. She took her rifle and glanced at the squad. Her squad._

_Kyle folded his arms. "Ground team, you're clear to go. Good luck."_

_She nodded and jumped from the ramp, taking her first step on the moon's surface. She recalled its name. Torfan. It was irrelevant, she wasn't here to remember the place. The mission was supposed to be quick and simple. The batarians wanted war, so she was going to give them war._

"_Move out!"_

_

* * *

_

Shepard kicked the body, so she could look at it. She was curious, for the security footage from Freedom's Progress didn't provide many details. And she had never seen a Collector before.

It turned out that they were a bit taller than an ordinary human, just like the turians. They did, however, look different from every other race she encountered. Their features were distinctly bug-like and their thick skin was the only armour they needed. Even their weapons looked natural, unlike anything she ever saw. She noticed the fact that they didn't communicate with each other – unless those stuttering sounds they were giving were words and sentences.

She looked at the Collector ship looming over the colony not so far away in the distance. She remembered vaguely that she had seen it two years ago somewhere behind the wreckage of the _Normandy_. It hadn't seemed so big that day, but she hadn't really paid attention then.

"Let's move out, I want to kill a bunch of Collectors today" she growled and resisted the urge of shooting already dead body.

_You destroyed my ship, killed my crew and ruined my life. You started a war, so I'll give you the war._

They were heading for the centre of the settlement, shooting everything that moved and didn't look like a human. The Collectors' attacks seemed disorganised and utterly improvised, and it didn't rouse a respect for them in Shepard's soul. To be honest, all she felt was an utter hate. How many of them were in the colony? Why were they still here, if the colonists were already gone, probably loaded onto the ship, paralysed and helpless? She tried to evoke at least a little bit of interest, but it failed. She saw only Pressly's face and the _Normandy_ going down in flames. There was no compassion for the colonists, only hate and a lingering need of revenge.

Killing the Collectors became automatic and it was instinct what broke Shepard's focus. Instinct and experience, unconscious reaction to that characteristic sound of a groan given by a being without tongue and with the voice cords in the final stage of atrophy. She risked a glance and cursed, when waves of incredulity and denial floated through her mind.

"Shepard!" she heard Garrus' voice, full of the same disbelief she felt.

"I know!" she yelled, jumped out of cover and started shooting, making her own version of suppressing fire. First one down, second, third, seventh, fifteenth... Vakarian aided her with his exceptional sniping skills – one shot, one kill. Kasumi was cloaking and appearing again in a constant pattern of her deadly shadow strikes. Shepard somehow managed to forget about the Collectors. She couldn't think – it would be a waste of time and that meant being outnumbered. And thus being dead.

She had no intention of dying again.

"What are these things?" Kasumi shook her head and kneeled near one of the corpses, when the fight was over. Shepard holstered her rifle.

"Husks" she answered. "Geth used them. They put people, even dead ones, onto giant spikes and turned them into something like that."

"We haven't seen a single spike, Shep" Garrus stated the obvious. "That means the Collectors already had the husks."

Jane looked at the creature again. "They are slightly different from the ones we've fought two years ago. They seem to be... advanced. Evolved."

"If there are neither spikes, nor the geth here" Kasumi glanced at her, "then where did the Collectors get them?"

"I've been always wondering did the geth invent the spikes, or if they got them from Sovereign" she mused and her eyes met Garrus' gaze.

"I'd say that confirms it's a Reaper tech" he folded his arms. "And that's bad."

"So Mr. Illusive was right" Goto groaned. "The Collectors _are_ working with the Reapers."

Shepard sighed and rubbed her temples. "I was hoping he's wrong. And to be honest, I didn't think you believed in my story about the Reapers."

"Why wouldn't I?" the thief shrugged. "You fought that thing, after all. That means you know better than politicians."

Jane nodded and walked away from dead husks. One part of her mind was happy that there was finally something familiar in that whole mess. She knew how to deal with the husks, the geth and the batarians. Killing any of them had become easier than anything else. She didn't need to worry about tactics, as it had to be with any other opponent.

The other part, however, became worried at last. Was it possible that Sovereign hadn't been the only vanguard left behind by the Reapers? Where was a Reaper the Collectors were working for? She remembered how hard it had been to take Sovereign down. The galaxy wasn't ready for a war with another one. Let alone with the entire Reaper armada.

"All of these empty buildings" Garrus murmured. "It's... unsettling."

She wanted to answer, but the air was suddenly filled with a strange vibration. Countless pricks inside her body followed it, not much of a pain, more like stings of tiny insects. Shepard's vision blurred, then focused again. She realised that her implants reacted to that almost-sound and clenched her teeth, trying to regain control of her body.

"What's that?" Kasumi shouted and Jane looked in the direction she pointed. One of the Collectors were lifted in the air and surrounded by some kind of energy she could almost feel.

No, not the energy. Presence. Will. And she knew she had experienced something like that before.

"Concentrate on that one!" Jane yelled and opened fire. That didn't prevent the Collector from falling down and taking his first step towards her. It was burning from the inside and those flames were sickly yellow. She met its gaze, also yellow, piercing and filled with the awareness of untold millions of years.

"_We are Harbinger!_" it exclaimed and she rolled her eyes. That confirmed her suspicions – only a Reaper could have so ridiculously big ego to talk about itself in a plural form.

"I don't care!" she cried out. "Fuck with me and you're dead!"

"_If I must tear you apart, Shepard, I will!"_

She holstered her assault rifle and took the sniper one instead. She didn't waste time on wondering how could it know her name, she just aimed carefully and fired.

"Maybe in another life, brother" she murmured, when decapitated body turned into ashes.

The Reapers. At least she knew what to do and say to piss them off.

* * *

_She didn't know when the mission turned into hell. The recon team reported they're good to go, so she sent the first strike group. They secured the perimeter in the main area of the bunker. She ordered four people to watch the entrance and led the second strike group to clean the far side of the facility of any possible batarian resistance. It was definitely too quiet, so she divided her group into three smaller ones and ordered two of them to go back._

_Then the first strike group started reporting. Under fire, many casualties, requesting assistance. So she sent them reinforcements and began her way in their direction. She was too far away, that was obvious, thus she told the next group to aid them. It seemed that the intel was wrong – there were too many batarians. And apparently the recon team screwed up too, because they should have found out what they were going to face._

_She remembered the way to the main area, but after that there were only flashes. Images._

_An image of dead marines lying everywhere and blood on the floor. So much blood. Walking was almost impossible without a risk of slithering. The metallic scent of the red liquid was irritating her sense of smell. She was sure she would never wash it off her skin._

_An image of a terrified soldier clasping her wrist. His eyes were widely opened, pupils dilated, face pale._

"_We have to fall back, Lieutenant!" he yelled, but she pulled her hand out of his grasp. Failure was not an option._

"_Negative!" she barked at him and suddenly recalled that he was married. "You've got children, soldier?"_

"_Y-yes, a daughter—"_

"_Do you want your daughter to be a slave, soldier? Killed or captured, raped and sold to a batarian brothel? Remember what happened on Mindoir and Elysium! Do you really want this for your daughter?"_

_He shook his head and continued to shoot. And moments later he died, choking on his own blood. Now his daughter was going to grow up without father._

_An image of herself kneeling on the floor beside Tom, holding his hand and shouting. Looking into his eyes, dead eyes, glassy and transfixed on something in front of him, something she couldn't hope to see. She felt something died inside her, just as he did. That was the turning point. She asked Major Kyle for permission to retreat._

"_Negative!" came the answer, echoing her own words. "They told me you're one of the best. Think about what's at stake. Think about what happens if you fail. Get this mission done, Lieutenant!"_

_So she got up and forced herself to follow orders. To think about the greater good or at least some kind of purpose. She wasn't aware of that, but she condemned herself to life as a slave of the greater good._

_An image of fifteen batarians who surrendered. They were staring at her with hatred and fear. And with an unspoken pleading for mercy. She clenched her teeth and looked at what was left of her squad. Six – where there were forty nine of them. Then she looked at the dead. At Tom. She growled, drew her pistol and shot every single batarian in the head. The last ones were crying, but it was too late for any of them. For her too._

_An image of Major Kyle who came to the bunker, when she reported she had seized it._

"_What the hell happened here, Shepard?" he yelled, glaring at blood. Blood was everywhere. "You told about casualties, not a bloodbath! Had you told precisely what was going on, I'd have agreed to retreat!"_

"_I followed your orders, sir" she clasped hands behind her back. Terror appeared in Kyle's eyes. "I got the job done."_

_

* * *

_

"No! Half of the colony is there! Do _something_!"

Shepard growled and holstered her rifle. She almost died fighting swarms of the Collectors, husks and that flying _thing_ – she didn't even know what it was – and all she got were complaints. Just like old times, really.

"That ship is huge, exactly how am I supposed to catch it? Grow myself wings and fly after it? I did everything I could, you just hid in your damned bunker."

"There's nothing more you could do, Shepard" Garrus put his hand on her shoulder.

Kasumi spread her arms. "Face it, honey, if not us, all of you would be on board of that ship right now. At least _some _of you are still here. You should be grateful."

The mechanic stopped pacing around and looked at them suspiciously. "Shepard? Wait, I know that name. You're some type of a big Alliance hero, aren't you."

Jane heard footsteps and looked at that direction. Hell, the Illusive Man told her about him, but knowing and actually seeing were two different things. She hoped she could avoid a conversation that was about to happen.

"Commander Shepard" Kaidan Alenko announced. "The first human Spectre. Saviour of the Citadel. You're in a presence of a hero, Delan. And a ghost."

The mechanic waved his hand and said something, but Jane didn't pay attention, for Kaidan embraced her suddenly. She reluctantly wrapped her arms around him, remembering that she had wanted to break up with him, but death had spoiled her plans.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did."

"You sound angry, Kaidan" she stepped away from him and noticed a frown on his face. "Something's bothering you?"

"Yes, something's bothering me" he mocked. "Thinking you're dead tore me apart, Shepard. How could you put me through this?"

She heard a low growl given by Garrus, so she glanced at him. The turian looked furious.

"Why didn't you try to contact me?" Kaidan continued his tirade and she felt a pang of annoyance. Nothing else but complaints, even from him. "I thought we had something special. I _loved _you."

_Oh crap._ Annoyance turned into horror. She had been trying so hard to avoid that, but apparently she had failed and given him wrong impression. Weird, really, because she remembered clearly that she had told him she hadn't wanted a long-term relationship built on love.

"Kaidan, I was _dead!_" she snapped. "How could I possibly contact you, if I spent the last two years on an operating table in some kind of coma, while Cerberus was rebuilding my body?"

Now Alenko took a step back. "You're with Cerberus now? Garrus, too? So it's true... I can't believe the reports were right."

Coexistence with the Reapers was more possible than Cerberus recruiting turians, but she resisted the urge of telling him that.

"Reports?" Vakarian barked at the man before she could come up with an answer. There was something new in his voice, some kind of an almost primal threat. "You mean you already knew? You _knew_ and you didn't tell any of us? Didn't tell _me_?"

"Why would I tell you anything?" Kaidan growled and for the first time Jane noticed the tension between both of them. Was it always like that? "You're the last person I'd tell she's alive."

"Shut up, both of you!" Shepard cried out, losing her patience. They could try to establish manly dominance another time, now she needed answers. "What reports are you talking about?"

Alenko shrugged. "We suspected Cerberus of being behind the abductions. Anderson stonewalled me, but there was also a word that you're not dead. That you're working for the enemy."

She felt dirty, but she needed to tell that this time it's not Cerberus' fault. "You saw it yourself, that's not Cerberus, but the Collectors. And they're working for the Reapers. That's why I agreed to take Cerberus' money – to destroy the Collectors."

"So you're _really_ with Cerberus now" Alenko shook his head, rage appeared in his eyes. Jane rolled her eyes. Was he even listening to what she was saying? "You turned your back on everything we've been fighting for two years ago. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed _me_!"

Garrus growled again, this time louder, jumped forward and grabbed collar of Kaidan's armour. "You know _nothing_ about betrayal, Alenko. Nothing! And don't you even dare to talk to her like that, you stupid, short-sighted human!"

"Well" Kasumi met Shepard's gaze and shook her head, "I thought we're civilised enough not to have men fighting for a woman. I guess I was wrong. It's kinda funny, though."

Fighting for a woman. Jane wondered if it was really that. Of course it was fully expected of Alenko, but of Garrus? She made a mental note to figure it out. As well as the part about betrayal. That could really explain his solitude and misery. Now was not time, though.

"Stand down, you idiots!" she yelled, hoping they would listen. Kaidan's body began to glow with biotics and she had never seen Garrus so enraged before, but they obeyed eventually. Maybe she should have let them kill each other. It would be easier.

"I-I've got to report to the Citadel" Alenko barked at her. "Uh... be careful, Shepard."

She watched him leaving and felt nothing.

* * *

_The memorial service wasn't long. There were too many mourning, angry people to prolong the ceremony more than necessary. The Alliance Command ordered her to make a speech, for Major Kyle apparently was in no condition to do that. He sat among people he didn't know, his head lowered. From what she'd been told, he was going to have a psychological evaluation. She underwent her own already and the results were good. After all, failure was not an option._

_She was able to look into eyes of families of the dead soldiers and bear the hatred she saw. It was for the greater good, all what she did. By losing forty three people, she saved hundreds. Even thousands. _

_It was Tom's mother who approached her after the ceremony._

"_I'd rather my son had never met you" she said. "I wish you had died there too."_

_All she was able to do after that mission, was to follow even bad orders. To get the job done, no matter what the cost. But she wasn't able to cry. She wasn't able to love anymore._

_She didn't _want _to love. __Anymore._


	13. Chapter 13

Music was floating around Shepard like wind, caressing her senses and calming her mind. She never was into music much, but there was a few pieces which were making her content. Which could slow down her burning thoughts and let her think. Because she needed to think.

She looked through the scope of her sniper rifle and pulled the trigger. Target was ripped to shreds and she let out the breath she was unconsciously holding. Sniping had always been calming her too, the fact of having one's life in her own hands, while the victim mostly wasn't even aware of that. Of course she wasn't at this as good as Garrus – the turian seemed to be a single being with his beloved rifle; its barrel was his hands and its scope his eyes, and sometimes he didn't even need time to aim – but she was skilled enough to be a real threat.

She reloaded the rifle and reached to her omni-tool to turn the volume up. It was a really good invention, the build-in music player.

After the mission on Horizon, she took some time to consider Kasumi's words. The thief seemed to be a good observer, much better one than Chambers with her famous degree in psychology. And – unlike yeoman – she actually drew Shepard's attention to an important matter without bullshit about how lovely couple she and the turian would make.

Jane had to admit that Garrus became a little bit too overprotective than he used to be. Looking back, she could see that it had been a very gradual process and it had begun more or less after the battle of the Citadel. She should have noticed that, but they had spent too much time together to register such a subtle difference. Funny, she hadn't seen Kaidan much often after she had been released from the clinic, but she had been trying to meet Garrus each time he and herself had had a while. Their physical contact had been also becoming more and more intense – handshakes, hugs, even unconscious need of each other's proximity. And she knew damn well how important such a display of affection was to the turians.

Why hadn't she realised it before? Was it because of the awareness of everything she had lost? Maybe that was the key – maybe she had to lose things and people she thought important, only to see what and who would stay. And when everything and everyone else was gone, she could find those precious ones – Joker, Chakwas, even Ken and Gabby. They believed in her despite everything and they were honest enough to admit that there was the time, when they – just like other people – had considered her to be nothing more than the Butcher of Torfan. When, how and why did it change? She didn't know.

There was also a true diamond among the ashes of what she had lost. Garrus. She had his implicit trust even when he didn't agree with her. Even when it came to being on board of the ship, whose crew still carried grudges born by the First Contact War. And she trusted him with her life, despite the fact that he became a cold, distant man, still drifting away from her deeper and deeper into his own abyss. Despite the fact that he didn't let her become close again, didn't let her help him. And yet – now, when she knew what to look at – she could see that characteristic thoughtful expression on his face and a lingering yearning in his eyes. It was a very early stage, but Shepard could notice a mirror image of General Septimus, that stupid old turian she met two years ago on the Citadel. Garrus called him pathetic and now there he was himself, on a good way to become like Septimus. To become a stupid, pathetic and yet somehow adorable turian in love. If there was a thing called 'love' in the turian culture and society, of course. And if it meant the same to the turians as it did to the humans.

She couldn't tell what she felt – _if _she felt anything – but she wasn't able to find an answer, and that was a bad sign. And because she was smiling when she was thinking about this... problem, was even worse.

She clenched her fists on the rifle. She had to end this, before it had even begun. For the sake of them both.

Jane groaned and fired again. She was running out of targets quicker than she expected.

"Shepard?"

She closed her eyes. How did it happen that somewhere between one firefight and another, Garrus stopped being just a friend? Damn it, she even saw only his personality now, the fact of him being a turian didn't matter anymore. Again – she had no idea when did it happen. Maybe it never really mattered.

"Shepard" he said again, worry mixed with amusement sounded in his voice. "Why are you shooting at models of Sovereign?"

Jane chuckled and got up to face him. "Just keeping my skills sharp. A little target practice."

Vakarian laughed at those words, recognising a mockery of his own statement. His laughter was all that it took to silence the voices again. Why was she even bothering with her pathetic meditations, if all she needed to do was to listen to him talking?

"My targets were at least moving."

"Well" she threw a glance at what was left of thirty models she bought and hung all over the cargo bay, "_my _targets boost my confidence. I can say now I _really _took Sovereign down."

"It won't help you destroy the Reapers" Garrus' eyes became serious.

She shrugged. "I know. But it helps me to recover from stress. It's a better way to do this than my last idea."

He tilted his head slightly. "Let me guess, by the 'last idea' you mean your relationship with Alenko?"

"With you guesses, you should've won dozens of lotteries."

"That means 'yes'?"

"That means 'yes'."

The turian growled and looked away. "Alenko's an idiot. All he can do is underestimating what he had. He doesn't deserve you. Never did."

Jane folded her arms, feeling something what could be an instinctive defensive reaction on overprotectiveness, mixed with a content caused by the fact that he actually cared.

"And who does? You?"

He scowled and she cursed herself silently. Her stupid instincts forced her to run away whenever someone started talking about feelings. Now it was Garrus from whom they were forcing her to run away. She didn't want to, but she _needed _to; whatever they could have – if anything – would only hurt both of them. She was incapable of having a normal relationship anymore, and she cared for him enough not to put him through the misery of her unconscious scorched earth tactics.

"No" he answered finally. "I don't either, but that's not the point. That's not the reason why I'm here."

"You never needed a reason to talk to me."

"That was two years ago."

"And it hasn't changed. I told you that."

Vakarian nodded and sat on a crate. "I... Are you okay? That mess with Alenko..."

She shrugged and sat beside him. "It's my fault. I knew he wanted this relationship to be something more, but I didn't end it. There was always not the right moment. Then I died and it no longer mattered."

"You skirted my question."

"I'm okay. Don't worry."

The turian reached out and took her hand. "You're the one who's doing the impossible. I can't."

"And what's so impossible for you?"

"Not to worry."

"Now you know how I feel since the moment I met you on Omega."

He sighed and clasped his fingers with hers. She liked it when he was wearing his casual clothes, it was making an impression of familiarity. And she could better feel the heat emanating from his body. It was comforting, one of those few things connecting both of her lives.

"I... still don't know how to talk about this, but you deserve to know" Garrus looked at their entwined fingers and cleared his throat. "You saw Omega, it was full of thugs kicking the helpless. I wanted to make it better. And one day I helped a woman. If not me, she'd be robbed, probably also raped and killed. Her name was Nalah Butler. She was so grateful, that she invited me to lunch. I met her husband then. We talked, he told me that his brother was killed by an Eclipse merc and... Honestly, I don't know why I let him join me. He had a family, after all, someone who'd mourn for him. I could play vigilante as long as I wanted to, because there was no one who'd mourn for _me_. I had nothing to lose, because I'd already lost everything."

Shepard's mind raced, as she was trying to find a hidden meaning in his words. He was famous. His reapplication for the Spectres would have never be turned down and after the induction, he could have almost everything. The galaxy was literally at the foot of the Spectres. And yet he threw it away, choosing a decaying life on Omega instead. A careless life of pissing criminals off so much, that the only possible outcome was a inevitable and probably painful death. Why? It was a question she wasn't able to answer without his help.

"Days passed and – I don't even know when – people began to join up" he continued after a moment of silence. "Former military operatives, C-Sec agents tired of playing by the rules, mercs who wanted to atone... In the end, there were twelve of us, including me. No one knew my real name, though. Except for Butler. And he never told anyone."

"That's how Archangel was born" she guessed and he nodded.

"Yes. When people were watching, it was easy to pretend that Garrus Vakarian died with you. But at nights, when I was too tired to sleep, I knew I'd never forget. Butler told me once that I had to let it go. That I had to stop mourning, because it wasn't going to bring you back. That I had to go on with my life. I tried, but I never fully succeeded. So I was trying to make a difference. To make things better. Now I know I was trying to be like you. And I failed."

"Garrus—"

"We were disrupting mercs' activities, intercepting their shipments... making them think twice before they killed someone in the street" he lowered his head and fell silent once again. She held his hand firmly. That was all she could do. "I had a team and now they're dead. All of them. And it's my own, damn fault."

"What happened?"

"One of my men betrayed me" Vakarian's voice became hollow. "A turian named Sidonis. He asked for my help and when I got to the meeting place, he was not there. By the time I got back to our hideout, mercs had killed everyone but two of my squad. And they didn't last long."

Now it did make sense, what he said about betrayal on Horizon. She almost couldn't believe it. Why the worst things did always happen to the people she cared for?

"Maybe..." she heard herself speaking, "maybe they killed Sidonis first."

He scowled. "Please, Shepard. I checked everything. He cleaned out his accounts and booked a transport off Omega _before _he spoke with me. He sold me out and ran. Now I've got the blood of ten good men on my hands, because I was too stupid to see Sidonis' betrayal coming. Because everything I've got and ever had, falls to bits. Always."

Shepard knew how hard it had been to gain Garrus' trust two years ago. And some son of a bitch just threw that trust away as if mattered nothing. He turned into a wreck the only person she cared for apart from her family. The wreck chased by ghosts of failure that wasn't his own.

"Do you know where Sidonis is now?" she asked and didn't recognise her own voice at first. Only a moment later she realised that it was a voice of the Butcher of Torfan. She wanted to kill that fucking turian for doing this to Garrus.

Vakarian shook his head. "No. But I keep hunting. I've lost my whole team except for Sidonis. Someday I'll find him... and correct that. His death will be quick and painless, unlike everyone's he betrayed."

"Let me know when you find him. You may need my Spectre authority to get away with this, if anyone sees you shooting."

The turian looked at her and she noticed that his mandibles were twitching in astonishment.

"What?"

"You want to... help me?" he asked finally. "Not to stop me?"

"Why would I stop you? I'd do anything to have things as they used to be. I can't, so at least I'll try to help you find some peace. After all, I know what it's like to kill in revenge."

Garrus rose to his feet, stood in front of her and lowered his head to press his forehead against hers. Jane had a vague impression that this gesture might be important, but she wasn't sure she wanted to know what it really meant. Not yet.

"Thank you, Shepard" he murmured. "It means a lot to me."

"And I thank you for telling me what happened to you."

He raised his hand and touched her arm, and that was the moment when she should tell him they're heading a wrong way, but she couldn't. Not after everything he told her. She couldn't hurt him even more by rejecting him, not when he needed her more than ever.

It stunned her. When was the last time she actually cared for someone so much, that she thought of that person first, not of herself? When did she care for anyone at all?

_Seven years_, her consciousness answered. It was seven years ago, when she had chosen reason over feelings. It had been preventing her from unnecessary suffering, but when she died, everything changed. _She _had changed. So maybe after all those years, she finally deserved at least a little bit of happiness.

Damn, she didn't even remember what it meant to be happy.

"What is it?" Garrus murmured suddenly, raising his other hand and resting it on her shoulder. "This music."

"Wagner's _Der Tag Ist Da_" Jane answered. "It's a long-dead composer from Earth."

"Nice" he murmured again and his voice trailed off, turning into a low growl, almost a purr. She never heard anything like that. After a while of consideration, she gently touched his scarred cheek.

"Let's go to the mess hall, I'm starving" she suggested, tracing a line of the markings on the right side of his face, now almost completely faded because of the injury. He closed his eyes and this time literally purred. At least that was the only comparison she could make, because the sound itself was completely incomparable. The turians' voice cords made their voices reverberate, and now she could hear what the turian physiology turned an already reverberating sound into.

It was beautiful.

Shepard slid off the crate she was sitting on and stood up, but Vakarian didn't move back. Instead, he wrapped his arm around her waist and Jane sensed his hesitation. He didn't know what to do next and was unsure of her reaction. She wasn't sure of it either, because the most basic part of her personality wanted to run away, while the other one was telling her to stay. Thus she forced herself to lean closer. Surprisingly, it wasn't so hard to act against her learnt instinct. All she had to do, was to try to find the remnants of her feelings.

And not to think about this situation as a disaster waiting to happen.

Garrus looked questioningly into her eyes and Jane smiled faintly, trying to assure at least him, because she wasn't sure of anything at all. Not because he was a turian, but because she defended herself against any deeper feeling for so many years, that she no longer knew what it's like to feel. She hadn't intended to change that, but apparently that was what she had to do in order to keep a sound mind.

He pulled her closer, so her ghost of a smile was enough. With one of his arms still wrapped around her waist, Vakarian slipped the other hand through her hair and put it on the occiput, near the base of her skull. Shepard noticed that he was trying to be careful – any unlucky move of his taloned hand could easily hurt her. Not that she cared – damn, she had been _spaced_, she could survive a small scratch.

Her face was at the level of his shoulder, so she stood on tiptoes to rest her cheek against the soft skin of his throat. It was warm, just as the rest of his body, and she felt all the exhaustion of the last days melting away. The galaxy didn't matter when she was in his embrace. She didn't remember the last time when she was feeling so... safe. There was always something – another mission, another problem, another screwed-up situation. But not now. Now she dared to think that maybe at least _something _could be alright.

"You didn't step away" Garrus said in a rough voice and Shepard looked at him.

"I didn't" she admitted and he lowered his head to nuzzle her cheek and neck. His breath was much hotter than his body and when it brushed her skin, uncontrollable shivers were sent down her spine. Vakarian apparently felt it, because his grip on her waist tightened as he pulled her even closer than earlier. He gave that low growl again and she felt it more than heard. It resonated in her entire body, causing a very pleasant sensation she had never experienced before. It made her want more and when he began to stroke her neck, it took all of her self-control to take a step back.

"I clearly remember ordering you to accompany me in the mess hall" Jane said and folded her arms. The turian flared his mandibles in an expression she didn't recognise.

"You know I was never good at following orders" he rasped and rested his hand on her shoulder. "I didn't know you're into turians... _commander_."

"And I didn't know you're into humans, _officer_" she met his gaze and his mandibles quivered.

"I'm not. But I'm definitely into _you_."

Shepard couldn't hold back a smile. She hadn't been hearing that kind of a statement so often, and she never expected to hear it from Garrus. It made her content in a way she hadn't felt for years. It was a proof that as much as she'd like to think about him as no one else but a friend, it was no longer possible. It should have worried her. Instead, she was just surprised a little – it had taken many years to banish her feelings. Now it turned out that mere minutes were enough for those feelings to began their triumphant return.

Damn, it looked like a mutual thing and it frightened her. She had to learn anew how to deal with mutual things. And she never thought she'd have to do this because of Garrus.

"Shepard—"

She silenced him by taking his hand in hers. "Come with me. Please."

"Okay."

A moment of intimacy and understanding was gone as they headed for the elevator and stood inside it in awkward silence. They both wanted to say or do something about that sudden turning point of their relationship, both not knowing what to do and how. Jane rubbed the side of her neck, where there had been the warmth of his face and breath. Now she felt only a freezing coldness there.

"Hey, look at that, people! Who's right there before my eyes, if not our fearless leader and our fearless cop?" Joker shouted as soon as he saw them both in the mess hall. He was sitting at the table along with Kasumi, Chakwas, Ken, Gabby and Jacob Taylor. To her surprise, Shepard noticed that they were playing cards, presumably Skyllian Five poker. She hadn't played that game for ages.

"Joker, how much time do we have before the arrival at Haestrom?"

"Twenty hours or so. What's the special occasion that forced you to come here?"

"Got a room for two more?"

Garrus groaned and folded his arms. "Shep, I don't know how to play your human games. I better—"

She grabbed his wrist and smiled devilishly. "You're not going anywhere. And don't worry, you'll learn quickly. You have to, because if you don't, you'll be the first stripped turian they're going to see."

"W-what?"

"Strip poker!" Joker laughed, beaming. "I always knew your ideas are brilliant, commander."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Vakarian growled and looked at Shepard questioningly.

"For each defeat, you remove one part of your clothing."

"Just me?" incredulity sounded in the turian's voice. "That's a stupid game."

"Be not afraid, out fearless cop" pilot chuckled. "Not just you. All of us. That's why it's so funny. I bet I'm not the only one who'd like to see our fearless leader without her uniform."

Shepard laughed it off for she knew Joker well enough to recognise one of his jokes. Almost immediately after pilot's words, though, she felt Garrus' hand on her shoulder. She looked at him and corner of her mouth twitched upward. He was trying to be casual, but she noticed a sign of possessiveness in his gesture. He actually _was _jealous. Well, that should be fun.

"So, Garrus" she smirked, "you'd faced all of Omega criminals. Are you afraid of a silly game?"

"The rules apply to everyone?" he glanced at Joker wanting the assurance. When pilot nodded, Vakarian sat, looked at Jane and grinned. "Give me the cards, Joker."


	14. Chapter 14

"Shepard, why do all these crewmen keep staring at you?"

Jane groaned and rolled her eyes, trying to come up with an answer. Her mind was empty, though, and after a while of silence she heard Garrus chuckling. He was trying to hide it, but failed miserably. She shot him a glance and could it kill, he'd be lying dead on the floor. But it couldn't, and he just flared his mandibles in one of the most adorable smiles he ever gave her.

"Shepard?"

"Tali, you don't want to know."

"I won't dwell into details, Tali" there was a mischievous contentment in Garrus' voice, "but our commander was playing quite an interesting game in front of the crew. What was it called, 'strip poker'?"

She muttered a curse, but didn't say anything aloud. Her thoughts wandered to the previous evening. Vakarian had given up as soon as he had started to lose, claiming that if the crew saw him without clothing, he would have to regain his honour by killing them. Shepard had doubted story, but she had decided not to push him into something he hadn't wanted to do. Everything had been going well after that, to the moment when only she and Jacob had been left – relatively speaking at least, because Taylor had been surrounded and supported by every man from the crew, including Joker and Garrus. Then things had gotten ugly and she had decided to give up, because she would have to take off her underwear soon. After all of that, shooting geth on Haestrom had been a wonderful distraction.

"I must admit" Garrus continued, "that the view was... fabulous."

"Don't try my patience, Vakarian" Jane growled, but he only laughed.

"Tali!"

Joker's joyful cry saved her from continuing this conversation. She glanced at the pilot, who got up and approached the three of them. Tali embraced him gently.

"I missed you too, Joker. It's good to see a familiar face. But... how's it possible that you actually walk without problems now?"

"Got some special treatment" he smiled widely. "C'mon, sit down, we've got a lot to talk about."

"Yeah, one, big, happy reunion" Garrus said drily. "Sorry if I—"

Shepard was about to leave, planning a tactical retreat before someone would like to try to talk her into playing a strip poker again, but she stopped. The turian got a message and considering that he programmed his account to relay it to his omni-tool, she suspected that mail to be extremely urgent. Seeing how his expression changed when he was reading it, confirmed her thoughts.

She touched his arm and he almost jumped, startled. Damn, when was the last time he had been so lost in his thoughts?

"What is it?" she whispered. Garrus growled and looked at her.

"It's about Sidonis. I've got a lead."

"Where to?"

"The Citadel" he snapped. Jane nodded at glanced at Joker, who was staring at them curiously.

"Your happy reunion can wait. Go to the cockpit and set a course to the Citadel."

"Who's Sidonis?" the pilot wanted to know, but the only answer was Vakarian's low, angry growl. "Easy, I just asked. Don't kill me for that."

"I gave you an order, Moreau" Shepard barked at him. The man sighed and got up.

"Aye aye, ma'am."

She didn't pay him any more attention and looked at Garrus, who lowered his head. She recognised it as a beginning of that forehead-to-forehead thing, but in the end he didn't decide to complete the gesture. Instead, he just bowed his head and took a step back.

"Thanks, Shepard. I appreciate you're taking time to help me."

She smiled. "Always."

* * *

"You're lucky" Jane growled. "I wouldn't have shot you in the leg."

"What'd I ever do to you?" Harkin whined like a little girl, trying to stop the bleeding. It was futile, for he no longer had his right knee. It seemed that Garrus had as good aim with a pistol as he had with a sniper rifle.

"You called me 'princess'."

She didn't bother reminding him that he had also treated her almost like no one else but a whore. All she had wanted that day was to know where to find a particular, young, hot-headed C-Sec investigator, not to start a fight with an old, drunken idiot. Who would have thought that said hot-headed C-Sec investigator, who had been sure he could change the world, would become the closest person she ever had?

And now he was a ruined wreckage driven by anger, guilt and need of revenge.

Damn, she actually wanted to embrace and hold him until he would at least try to forget about Omega. Anything to prevent him from falling deeper and deeper into his misery.

"Sidonis better be there, or I'm coming back to finish the job" Garrus announced indifferently and turned around to leave. Jane followed him and they started side by side their way back. It seemed longer than before, maybe because there were no mercs to kill this time. Every Blue Suns member employed by Harkin was dead, their corpses were marking a path she and the turian had fought through the old factory. How was it even possible that so many mercenaries were on the Citadel? C-Sec was nothing more but a crap of security, but they should have detected the Blue Suns activity in the very heart of the galactic society.

Garrus was silent all the way back, lost in his thoughts so deeply that Shepard didn't even hope to reach him. She could almost feel his stress and tension, though, as if it was emanating from his body to the outside world.

"Do you want to do this alone?" she asked, when he hesitated at the cab. It was a second or so, nothing more, but she noticed it anyway.

"No... No."

"Let's go, then."

He was driving the cab, for she had no idea where the Orbital Lounge was. The air inside the vehicle was heavy with unspoken words and fears, so heavy that almost unbearable. Garrus was tense like a caged animal and Jane could see a predatory glint in his eyes, which wasn't there before. She knew also a feeling beneath it – it was the fear of what would happen if Sidonis didn't come. And he was even more afraid of what to do after he would have his revenge.

"Harkin's a bloody menace" he barked suddenly. "We shouldn't have just let him go. He deserved to be punished."

_Like over a half of this galaxy, but we can't chase after each one of them, buddy._

"Don't waste your time on him. Let C-Sec deal with him now."

He lowered his head and sighed. "Yeah, I suppose you're right. Thanks for helping me, Shepard."

She put a hand on his shoulder as an unspoken 'always'. "I'd do the same if I were you."

"I learnt from the best."

_No, you didn't. I never was the best and all I ever did, made your life worse than it had been. But I'll try to fix this, buddy. I'll try to fix _you.

Now was not the time, though, to collect shattered pieces of his life and put them together. She made a promise to help him, though, and she intended to keep it. It was going to be a damn hard problem to resolve, because she had never succeeded in fixing her own life. But she needed to at least try to come up with something actually working. For him.

Garrus stopped the cab and looked around. "I need to set up."

Jane waited when he was staring at the area, using his visor to scan the surroundings and provide him with necessary details. Finally, he pointed one of the catwalks.

"I can get a clear shot from over there."

"You just want me to get him in position?"

"Basically" he nodded. "Keep him talking for a minute. When I've got him in my sights, I'll let you know. Give me a signal so I know you're ready, and I'll take the shot."

He got off the vehicle and stood outside for a while, looking at her. It didn't last even a minute, but she had an impression that it was an eternity. His eyes were unusually warm and she was surprised at the expression of his face. He seemed lost, broken and lonely, but she saw also an unspoken 'thank you' in him.

"You better go, he'll be here soon."

Shepard wanted to stay, hearing how soft his voice was, but she forced herself to fly the cab and park it near the Orbital Lounge. There were many people walking by, but hopefully none of them would see Garrus hidden safely on a catwalk far away from here. She glanced around, trying to be casual, but she didn't even know what Sidonis looked like to pick him out of the crowd.

"Shepard, can you hear me?" her ear-piece came to life.

"Loud and clear" she answered. Hell, he could show her Sidonis' picture, it would be easier. There were too many turians here.

Most of them, though, were walking, chatting with someone or doing something, and she noticed only one turian sitting on a bench. He was looking around from time to time, and also seemed to be agitated for some reason.

"There he is" Garrus' voice lost all the softness and now was trembling with barely controlled anger. "Wave him over and keep him talking."

When Sidonis looked at her, Jane nodded at him and waved her hand to ensure he got the message. The turian stooped, sighed, got up and approached her. So that was him, the reason and the architect of Garrus' suffering. His facial markings were of a weird light-blue colour, making him look sick. But maybe he really was sick, considering the fact that he was even thinner than an ordinary turian. She felt her hate rousing.

"Let's get this over with" Sidonis demanded, but his voice was hollow, strained. It was enough for Shepard to realise that this turian was also a wreck, just as Garrus.

She didn't care, though. He betrayed Garrus and ruined his life. Nothing else mattered right now.

"This won't take long at all" she said, trying to keep her voice calm and professional. Sidonis blinked and shuffled his feet.

"You're one of Harkin's men?" he asked. "I don't remember seeing you before."

"That's it" she heard Vakarian speaking through her ear-piece, "just keep him talking a few more seconds."

Sidonis' mandibles twitched in suspicion. "I was told Harkin was one of the best. This better not happen again."

Jane's mind raced, when she was thinking what could possibly make this fucking turian betray Garrus. She was tempted to ask, but decided not to. It was irrelevant. She promised to help her only friend and she was going to do this.

"Oh, it won't" she hissed, smiled and moved to the side. "Don't worry."

"What?" Sidonis narrowed his eyes at her and realisation hit him, when he noticed a glimpse of blue in the distance. "Oh shit."

He turned around and walked away quickly, as though it was going to save him. He was wrong, of course, and Jane heard a familiar sound of a single sniper rifle shot, a menace of death and retribution. Sidonis hit the ground a moment later. There was a hole in his head and a rapidly growing pool of blood around him.

When Garrus spoke, his voice was emptied of all thoughts. There was only an endless tiredness.

"Betrayal repaid, Sidonis."

* * *

The _Normandy _was quiet and empty, and the impression was oddly relaxing. Shepard was used to crowds on board of the ships, to the lack of place and privacy. The first _Normandy _was crowded too, and even without its crew dark walls could cause a claustrophobia. Her new ship was bigger, but she was able to realise how much bigger only at the moments like this – when all the crewmen were on a shore leave. She could hear her thoughts and recently she really began to appreciate those rare periods of peace and calm.

She entered the elevator and pushed the button of the crew deck. After their return, Garrus had gone to his room and didn't go out ever since. She waited a few hours, giving him time to think, but now she wanted to talk. Or at least spend some time in his presence.

Since that moment in the cargo hold, they didn't talk about what was going between them. If _anything _was going between them, because one part of her mind insisted that it was a moment of weakness of them both. She needed to know what he was intending to do about it.

The entrance panel to his quarters was green, but she pushed the call button anyway, silencing the voice telling her it's her ship and she's authorised to go whenever she wanted without asking for permission.

"It's me."

A moment of silence – and her heart became cold. _You knew he's just—_

"Come in."

Garrus was lying on his bead, staring at the ceiling. At least he wasn't drunk. Shepard remembered she had drunk herself to sleep after Torfan. Although she didn't remember hadn't she wanted to drink herself to death.

"Are you okay?" she asked, because he didn't say anything.

"I'm fine" he answered. "Really. I just..."

"You don't know what to do now."

He sat on the bed. "Yeah. I didn't plan what to do after I find Sidonis. The revenge was my purpose for months. And now? Now I'm satisfied, but I have no purpose anymore."

"You can try to fix your life."

"Fix my life" he repeated and gave a bitter laugh. "That's one funny idea. Did I tell you that my father disowned me despite I'm his firstborn? And I burnt all bridges while leaving C-Sec. So, as you can see, I can't fix something what doesn't exist anymore."

For a one, brief moment, short as a blink, she was thinking she misheard him. It was a stunning news. She knew they had problems, but...

"Your father did _what_? Damn it, why the hell didn't you tell me?"

He looked at her and his blue eyes were cold. Cold and tired.

"And what would it change, Shep? It would be just another burden on your consciousness. Besides, it's an old thing, it doesn't matter anymore."

An impulse got better of her. She closed the distance between them and put her hands on both sides of the turian's face. His eyes widened.

"Garrus, I want you to talk to me again. I _need _you to talk to me again."

He lowered his head and closed his eyes. She knew he felt lost, purposeless. Broken. And lonely. It was similar to what she had felt after the battle of Torfan, and she realised it after he had joined the crew again. She knew she couldn't leave him alone now, even if her scepticism was right and nothing was going to develop between them.

"I've been dealing with my problems on my own for such a long time" he muttered and managed to look at her again. "But I'll try. For you."

Shepard could just acknowledge his statement and have the things as they were. She decided not to – it would leave them both in awkward positions of comprehending their mutual attraction, as well as trying to get it over with. It would probably be safer – because they were too famous to avoid a public attention. A story of the first human Spectre being in a relationship with a turian vigilante, her fellow saviour of the galaxy at that, would have a disastrous outcome.

And yet she never cared about the public. She never wanted to be some kind of a fucking celebrity. The Alliance knew that, so they had been trying to keep reporters away from her – after Torfan, when she had been hated, and after the battle of the Citadel as well, when she had been loved. She had always been thinking about the greater good and things she ought to do, not wanted to. That way of life had never made her happy, or at least satisfied, or fulfilled.

So maybe now was the time when she could do something what was good only for her, not for the entire galaxy. What could make her happy, while the entire galaxy could complain about it as long as they wanted, or they could even go to hell, because Jane Shepard didn't care about the greater good anymore. Not in this one, particular case. After all, it was Garrus who had told her that not every single order ought to be followed. That there was something else and more important than greater good.

Thus she made her decision, hoping it's a good one.

"Not for me" she said softly. "For us."

He blinked, stunned, and she recalled that although he admitted his attraction to her, she didn't really show him it was mutual. Or at least on a good way to become mutual.

"I..." Garrus swallowed, "I didn't know you have a weakness for men with scars."

Jokes. He was always joking when something made him nervous. She smiled and touched his scarred mandible. "I don't. But I have a weakness for you."

He sat still, staring at her without blinking. Only his mandibles were twitching unconsciously, but she knew it was because of her touch. She wanted to think so, at least.

The silence suddenly became awkward, so Jane took a step back.

"I guess it was the time when you should've told me you really meant it all what you've said in the cargo hold" she cleared her throat. "You didn't, so I.. uh... I better go, before I make a complete fool of myself."

She turned around, trying not to listen to a voice in her head, telling her she was always misreading others' intentions. How could she even think he would—

"Jane."

What a simple word it was, her name. She didn't remember the last time someone addressed her like that. Garrus certainly had never done it. And yet now he said that, quietly, softly. He turned the simple word into a reverberating spell, an echoing pleading tearing all her mental defences apart and hitting her heart. Silencing every single voice she kept hearing – the one telling she's dead, the one telling she's alive, the one telling she'd misread Garrus' intentions and the one telling they're crazy to consider a human-turian relationship.

"Jane..."

She closed her eyes, hearing his footsteps, and sighed, when he put his hands on her hips.

"There's no other person I respect more than you" he whispered into her ear. "There's also no other friend I've got left in this screwed-up galaxy. If that's what you really want... I'll find a way to make it work."

Shepard turned around to face him. Vakarian's eyes were soft and thoughtful again. There was also a hidden hunger just beneath the surface, and it kindled a primal womanly pleasure within her, a satisfaction of having a man bound to her will. Long years passed since she had last felt it.

"You know..." she raised one hand to touch his scarred cheek, "it'll be lousy relationship, if _you _don't want this too."

He bowed his head and nuzzled gently her neck. She smiled and wrapped her another arm around his waist.

"Jane, I first thought about this two years ago. But then you... died, and—"

"Shh" she murmured and ran her fingers up his neck to rest them on the soft skin between his fringe and scales protecting the line of his spine. "I won't leave you again."

Garrus pulled her closer, giving that purr-like sound she found herself so fond of. One part of her mind kept shouting at her that she should leave, but she banished it with the same determination she had once chased away her feelings. It was surprisingly easy; she just had to concentrate on the heat of Garrus' body and his heartbeat. On the warm breath ghosting near her ear, when he was nuzzling her cheek and neck, and on the palms of his hands, when he was tentatively exploring the skin of her back underneath her shirt.

"Not that I'm thrilled with the thought" he rasped suddenly, "but I have to tell this. I know you can find something... closer to home. I mean, a break-up with a turian mate may be extremely difficult... Besides, we can get sick or—"

"Listen, if you're not comfortable with this..."

He traced a line of the scars on her face with his finger. "You don't have to worry about making me uncomfortable. Nervous, yes... but never uncomfortable."

"I'll ask Mordin what to do to avoid getting sick, then" she smiled. "And you can be sure I don't want something 'closer to home'. I want _you_. I want someone I can trust."

The hunger in his eyes intensified. "I can do that... I'll do some research to find out how this thing should work. Damn, this means I'll probably have to buy Fornax. For science, of course."

She smirked. "Of course."

They were looking at each other a while – not telling anything, because there was no need for words. Shepard raised a hand and touched the right side of his face once again.

"Does it still hurt?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes."

She stood on her tiptoes and kissed the scarred mandible. The turian flexed his fingers and gave a strange sound being something between a growl and a moan.

"Did _that_ hurt?"

"Not at all" he said in a husky voice. She chuckled and trailed her lips along his right mandible, kissing and licking, making it flutter. Garrus growled and slid his hands down, gripping her hips.

"Did I happen to find a sensitive area?" Jane asked innocently and he groaned, lowering his head to nip gently her neck. Damn, that felt good.

"Have a guess, _commander_."

She chuckled again and put her hands beneath his fringe. His fingers flexed once more, so she began to rub his skin with her fingertips.

"Jane" he rasped, moving his hands from her back to her abdomen. "I wanted to wait, but if you continue to do this, I won't have to worry about the research..."

"Let's skip the research part and begin with the experiments instead" she murmured into his ear. He shivered and took a step towards the bed. Shepard grinned, feeling a certainty she didn't experience for a long time. To hell with the social grudges and racial differences. The only important thing was what was growing between them, a bond transcending a simple friendship into something much better. That made her think her life may be worth of something again.

"Commander?" EDI's voice suddenly sounded through the intercom. Jane froze and Garrus growled in annoyance.

"What the hell do you want?"

"The Illusive Man wishes to speak with you in the debriefing room" the AI announced.

"Tell him to fuck off" she snapped. "I'm busy."

"He found a disabled Collector ship and wants you to investigate it."

"Go" Garrus said, his voice still trembling a bit. "It's better if we take things slowly."

Shepard sighed and looked at him. "Will you be able to go with me, or shall I find a replacement until you calm down?"

"Are you kidding? I won't let you board that ship alone."


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N: I have no idea who first made a 'Turian/Space Batman' joke running around the fandom. If I did, I'd credit this person right here, at the top._

_

* * *

_

It was just as she imagined it to be.

The infinite plain of snow and ice, dressed in unspeakable shades of blue, silver and white. The very kingdom of never-ending coldness, unforgiving, unforgettable, unalterable. The icy desert of a complete negation of all warmth. All life.

The snowflakes, dancing around in the frosty air, following their graceful movement, which had started aeons ago and would end beyond the ridges of time itself, after the last star gave out its last breath in the dying universe.

The beautiful sky, gradually gaining colours – starting with the silver line of the horizon, through the azure and cobalt arms embracing the glaciers, and finishing this frozen rainbow with the blackness of the endless void high above. The only purpose of that blackness was to enforce its own meaning by exposing the stars, tiny pieces of a shattered diamond sown throughout the entire firmament.

And the auroras, trembling curtains of the astounding theatre of eternal light. Shivering veils, breathing with promises of revealing all the secrets of the universe by whispering them right into one's ear.

Jane Shepard left the shuttle and took her first step on the surface on Alchera.

* * *

"_Tell her 'goodbye' from me."_

_She smiled faintly and nodded at Joker, who was sitting on a crate nearby. He seemed calmer than usually, almost sad, and she never thought she'd see him like that. It was understandable, though, given the circumstances._

"_Yeah. Yeah, I will."_

_She checked her holstered pistol, clasps of her armour and boots, finally took her helmet... and hesitated. Her hands were trembling and she couldn't stop it._

"_Jane" Garrus said silently and stepped forward to place a hand on her shoulder, "are you okay?"_

_Was she?_

"_I... suppose so" she answered at last. "I'll be after I do this."_

_He squeezed her arm despite she couldn't feel it because of her armour. The gesture itself was meant to be a little comforting. Shepard smiled, grateful, savouring that while, next one to add to their collection of such precious little moments. She respected his will to 'take things slowly' – now, when they knew what was going on, there was nothing to be worry about._

_Well, relatively at least, because they were still waiting for the information concerning human-turian relationships Mordin promised them._

"_I can go with you, if you want."_

"_I'll say 'goodbye' from you too, but I need to do this alone."_

_Garrus nodded and took a step back. "I understand."_

_She exhaled and got into the shuttle, throwing them one final glance. "Don't destroy my ship while I'm gone, boys."_

"_I'll keep your crazy pilot in line, Jane" the turian promised and Joker rolled his eyes._

"_Geez, now I'm gonna have a turian Batman as a babysitter. Thanks, Commander."_

_Shepard chuckled and tapped the control panel inside the shuttle._

"_The commanding officer is ashore" she heard EDI's voice. "Officer Vakarian has the deck."_

_And the Kodiak disembarked, carrying her towards Alchera._

_

* * *

_

The snow was crunching under her feet and in addition to her breath and the wind it was the only audible sound. Alchera was quiet, deadly quiet to be precise. And deadly beautiful. Shepard preferred warm planets with seas and beaches, but she still had enough appreciation of the picturesque left in her soldier mind to notice the obvious beauty of this planet. It was almost addictive.

If only it hadn't been marked with the wreckage of the _Normandy._

Her ship was everywhere, torn apart into smaller and bigger pieces. Burnt. And frozen. A wreckage of her home and her life.

Shepard approached what was left of the main hull. There were familiar black, white and red colours, still visible despite the burns caused by the uncontrolled descent through the atmosphere. And the name was there as well. _Normandy. _The first, the only. The real one.

She reached out and brushed the cold metal with her fingers, leaving three traces in the snow covering the lower part of the hull.

_You were a great ship, girl. I miss you._

She began her way around the area, from place to place. From one memory to the next one, in the company of the wind and ghosts of her thoughts only. She saw the sleeping pods and remembered them occupied by the crew, talking and laughing despite everything they were going through. She saw the cockpit and remembered Joker sitting inside it, wearing his baseball cap he had seemed to never take off; the quiet, comfortable cockpit without an ever-watching AI. She saw the projector of the galaxy map and remembered it working properly, displaying the map in front of her, making her feel strong, confident. She saw the Mako, half-buried in a snowdrift and – oh, the irony – apparently intact, and remembered it broken-down again, remembered Garrus working on it and promising her that he wasn't going to let her drive during the next ground mission. She saw the damaged lockers and remembered Ashley Williams maintaining the weapons nearby, and...

She fell to her knees as they gave way under her, and burst into tears. They were running down her cheeks under the helmet, but she just clenched her fists and let herself cry for the first time in so many years. It turned out to be strangely cathartic and was slowly wiping away all those years of frustration, grief and anger, leaving a flicker of hope that there could be yet a dawn after an endless night.

* * *

_She never intended to eavesdrop on her own crew, neither on the first _Normandy_, nor on the second. She was the commanding officer – she didn't care what the crewmen thought of her as long as they were doing their job. It was another side-effect of Torfan; she simply got tired of hearing how heartless murderer and cold-hearted bitch she was._

"_...bout that turian?"_

_She hesitated at the threshold of the mess hall. This time it was not about her, it was about Garrus. And hell, she told them she was not going to accept any grudge they might be holding against him._

"_Commander trusts him" answered a woman. Goldstein, her name was if Shepard remembered correctly. "And if she does, I'm okay with this."_

"_Riiight, Sheaprd's pet" complained the first one, a man Jane didn't recognise. She dug her nails into the palms of her hands, trying to resist the urge to punch him into face. "She treats him like her second-in-command. The next thing we know is her screwing him. But it's not only about him. All those aliens, the krogan, the salarian, the quarian..."_

_Shepard suddenly recalled Williams and Pressly. They had also had problems with other races aboard the ship, but at least they had been honest enough to tell her about it. And yet in the end even her late lamented navigator had admitted he'd been wrong about them. He might not like her alien allies, but he had learnt to respect them._

_By the turian spirits, she missed her old crew so much._

"_Vakarian's a hero" someone else added. "He helped Commander kill Saren."_

"_He's a _turian_, just like Saren! Did you all forget about the First Contact War? So many humans died then and not for that we'd have a turian participating in a top secret mission to save the entire human race!"_

_That was enough. Shepard swallowed the anger and put a mask of a cold composure. Her commander face._

_She entered the mess hall and looked at the suddenly silent crewmen. One of them turned pale, so she assumed it was the Cerberus 'humanity-first' believer she overheard._

"_Is there something you want to tell me, crewman?" she asked in a voice which could freeze Therum._

"_I... uh... no" the man mumbled. She folded her arms and kept regarding him. He, on the other hand, shifted nervously in the chair._

"_Let me make myself clear, crewman" she started. _What the hell was his name? _"We're going to dock on Omega for a half an hour or so. I want you to leave at the same moment we open the airlock."_

_The man was silent for a while. "W-what?" he stuttered at last._

"_Are you're deaf, or just stupid?" she growled. "Because you question my choices about people I bring on board, I want you off my ship. It's simple. You all knew this rule."_

"_With all due respect, ma'am" the crewman regained a small amount of his self-confidence, "but I don't think I did something wrong. Ma'am."_

_She tilted her head in incredulity. He actually _questioned _her decision. Her order._

"_I wasn't asking if you'd like to leave. I _ordered_ you to leave."_

"_Why?"_

"_I'm commanding officer" she remembered him. Just in case. "I don't have to explain my actions to anyone, less alone to someone who's such a short-sighted xenophobic idiot like you."_

"_He's... he's a turian!" the man shouted as though it explained everything. Maybe it really did – at least to him. "The First Contact War—"_

"_Ended decades ago" she finished his sentence. "Now get the hell out of here. Pack your things. You're leaving as soon as we land."_

"_Commander..."_

"_Say another word and I'll shoot you" she promised._

_He cleared his throat, but this time obeyed her command. Shepard watched him leaving the mess hall and felt a pang of longing for her old crew again._

_Cerberus be damned._

_

* * *

_

Jane expected to encounter someone waiting for her in the cargo bay. Joker, maybe, who would like to know what was it like down there on Alchera. Or Garrus, wanting to steal a moment of her time and chase away ghosts of past with his warm touch. Or anyone else, really, but not the person she saw after stepping out of the shuttle.

Not Miranda Lawson.

She closed her eyes, aching after crying, and sighed. They didn't talk much often. Lawson still had a 'time-will-tell-if-you-turn-out-to-be-an-asset-or-a-liability-to-our-cause' attitude. Shepard didn't really try to make friends with the so-called XO of hers – she remembered the part about control chip the Cerberus operative had wanted to revive her with. She also remembered logs she had found in that base – logs about bio-synthetic fusion. It was Miranda's fault Jane wasn't entirely human anymore. And it was a grudge she wasn't going to let go so easily.

To be honest, their relations became even worse since the Illusive Man had sent her into the trap on the Colllector ship. Since he had betrayed her and her team.

"Commander?"

"Lawson."

'Wrex—Shepard' had been funny. Really. Garrus had been teasing her about those 'highly intelligent conversations' as often as he could. But 'Commander—Lawson' was just tiring. She doubted if she would ever manage to have a heart-to-heart chat with Lawson.

"May I have a moment of your time, Commander?"

"Can't it wait?" Jane scowled involuntarily, but she couldn't help it. "I'm tired and terribly cold."

"I'll make it quick" Lawson tilted her head.

"Very well. You've got three minutes."

"You gave the deck to Garrus Vakarian" Miranda spluttered quickly, as if it was going to allow her to complain longer. "Why? I'm the XO of this ship."

"Lawson..." Shepard sighed and rubbed her temples. She already knew where this conversation was heading. "I'm in charge here. This means I can give the deck to whomever I want. Garrus was staying on the ship and because I trust him as my second-in-command, he got it. Something else? Or can I go to my cabin at last and have a shower?"

"I'm the XO" the woman repeated furiously. _Oh, for crying out loud..._

"I thought I made myself clear. I didn't choose you as my XO. And when I say that, it means you're not the XO in my eyes. Thus you may call yourself like that, or you may even think you're a queen, but it doesn't change anything. Go to the Illusive Man and pout as long as you want to, because I've made my decision. It's a final one."

"I don't pout" Lawson winced and folded her arms. "And I don't need to go to the Illusive Man every time you screw up!"

Jane blinked a few times, stunned and sure she heard wrong. When Miranda's expression didn't change, she assumed she didn't mishear her at all. That she really dared to say that.

Had it been the Alliance, she'd have her court-martialled. Hell, she'd probably shoot her. Maybe she should.

"Excuse me?"

"You're allowing aliens and criminals to have a free access to the top secret information and technology" the Cerberus operative started pacing around Shepard. She suddenly felt sick. "They were meant to be a ground team, strike forces, not a part of the regular crew! I know _we _gave you their dossiers, but _you_ gave them too much freedom. And now you're delaying the mission. Why? Because you wanted to see a wreckage of some ship!"

Jane's fist was fast as a lightning, and Lawson had no chance to avoid a punch that hit her face. She didn't even see it coming. And damn, it was good to see her lying on the floor, stunned, with blood running from her nose and the corner of her mouth. Shepard crouched beside the woman and grabbed the collar of her uniform. There was little to grab at, though.

"Listen to me carefully" she hissed, when Lawson's eyes cleared a bit. "Everyone here has got some kind of a personal shit. I'm okay with that and I allow them to resolve their problems. Why do they want me to accompany them when they're doing this, I have no idea. But you know what, Miranda? I've got a personal shit too. And I needed to take care of it."

"Commander, I—"

"My team is not your business, Lawson" Shepard continued, almost painfully slowly. "How do I run my ship, is not your business too. For the next time I tell you: _I'm_ in command, _I _make decisions here. If I want to make Garrus my second-in-command, you have nothing to say about it. If I want to give those fucking files to Jack, you have nothing to say about it. If I want Tali to be a chief engineer, you have nothing to say about it. Do you understand?"

Miranda blinked and didn't answer. She was just staring at her with widely opened eyes.

"I said: _do you understand_?"

"Y-yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Jane let her go and straightened herself. The Cerberus operative was pale and bloodstained. However, it was the first time when she also was silent and obedient.

"When this mission is over, I want you to leave my ship. Take all those Cerberus believers from the crew with you as well."

"Yes, ma'am."

She nodded and approached the elevator, tired and shivering inside the cold armour. She didn't look at Miranda to see did she manage to scrape herself off the floor. She just wanted all of this fucking mess to be over at last.

She just wanted do rest.

* * *

About an hour later Shepard was sitting at the table in the mess hall, holding a cup of tea in her hands. She had taken a hot shower, but it didn't entirely help to get rid of the coldness. Maybe a hot drink would do it. She knew that with this feeling gone, her catharsis would be complete. Although right now she was just too damn cold to think about it and appreciate the thought.

She took a sip of her tea, savouring the feel of it warming her from the inside of her body. It was a late evening, so the mess hall was comfortably empty. Good. She recently really found a pleasure in quiet, lonely evenings. It could be a sign that the time came to consider a retirement. Had she still been in the Alliance, she would have yet about ten or fifteen years of being a good, obedient soldier ahead of her. The Spectres, on the other hand, had no specified length of service. And for her Spectre status had been reinstated, she had no idea when the Council would agree to let her retire. However, considering the turian councillor's attitude, she suspected all she would have to do was to ask for a permanent leave.

She encircled the cup with her hands, enjoying the warmth radiating through her palms. She also found out that she couldn't banish a thought of buying a house on Virmire. Outside the contaminated zone, of course. She could have a dog. She had always wanted to have a dog.

She took a PDA and minimise an advertising booklet she had gotten from a developer the last time the _Normandy_ had docked on the Citadel, and looked at the two remaining dossiers instead. A drell assassin named Thane Krios and Samara, an asari justicar. She smirked. Another aliens. The Cerberus believers among the crew was going to be thrilled at the thought. Well, it wasn't her problem that they had issues with the attitude.

"Jane?"

Shepard turned around and smiled, seeing Garrus coming from the main battery. He quickly grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and sat in a chair beside her.

"I thought you're sleeping."

"I had some calibrations to finish" he pointed at the direction of the main battery. "How did your mission go?"

"It was..." she hesitated for a moment, gathering thoughts, "painful, that's for sure. But I think it also was helpful. I think I can finally let the past go and move on with my life."

"That's good" the turian smiled, touched her hand and flinched. "By the spirits, woman, you're _perfrigidissima_."

She blinked a few times and burst into laughter. He just kept looking at her, confused.

"I'm sorry, I had a translator glitch" she said at last. "You said I'm _what_?"

Garrus became silent for a while, apparently searching for words which would be translated without problems. "I said you're very, _very _cold."

"Oh. Well, it's better now, but Alchera is a really freezing place. I had problems to take my armour off when I returned."

"You should've dressed properly" he growled. "The armour alone doesn't offer a long-term protection against the cold. You could've frozen to death there!"

Jane smiled and squeezed his hand. "I'm okay."

His mandibles quivered, as Garrus slid his arm around her shoulders. "Come here."

She looked at him, surprised, but in the end let him pull her close. She leaned against his side and sighed, feeling the already familiar warmth of his body. She would gladly stay like this for the rest of the night, and the memory of Alchera would fade away then. The memory, she realised, that was no longer as painful as it used to be.

"I thought you didn't want to disturb the crew" she murmured and closed her eyes.

"To hell with the crew" he answered, stroking her arm. "Or... do you want me to leave you cold?"

"Not at all. Am I complaining?"

"Not at all" Garrus chuckled and took the datapad. "Is this our next step? Illium?"

"No. We go to Tuchanka first. Illium's the second on the list."

"Tuchanka..." he repeated. "Wait, the krogan homeworld?"

"Yeah" she shifted in her chair and found a more comfortable position. Under her cheek, she could feel now the soft skin of his neck. "Grunt's sick or something. I need a krogan opinion."

He growled, just as always when she mentioned their tank-bred krogan. It looked like he was still angry at her that she had ordered him to leave, when she had been planning to awake Okeer's pure soldier. Or maybe he was angry at himself for obeying her order and not being in the port cargo hold, when Grunt had decided to try strangling her. Shepard was sure, though, that Garrus didn't speak with him. Not even once. Given the murderous glint which appeared in his eyes every time she mentioned Grunt, or an opportunity of conversation, the current situation was certainly better for the tank-bred.

"Oh, crap" Vakarian muttered suddenly and Jane forced herself to open her eyes. She realised she was slowly falling asleep.

"What?"

"Can you image what Wrex is going to say? He was bothering us for so long, and now..."

"Now it turns out he was right. A friendship between man and woman is always impossible. Nothing really new."

"This is going to boost his confidence for the next five hundred years."

"You know how to handle Wrex" Shepard shrugged and closed her eyes again. She took a deep breath and smiled, feeling the coldness vanishing slowly, gradually, in a perfect harmony with the rhythm of Garrus' breaths and heartbeat.

_The distress beacon is ready for launch._

She exhaled and let it go. The memories, the voices, the guilt. The slavery of the greater good. She let it all go.

Normandy_'s dead, going down with the ship won't change that._

She sighed and surrender to the sleep. She didn't feel being lifted up and carried to her cabin by Garrus, but she did feel letting the past go. She had died. Now was the time to start to live again.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Somewhere in the text is a quotation from the song _Garden of Light_ performed by Isis. All the rights to that phrase belong to this exceptional band.

* * *

Tension in the shuttle was almost like a living creature, biting and mauling. Shepard looked at Garrus, who was holding his mandibles close to his jaw. She had been wondering whether to take the turian with her or not, but he had told her he's going, even if she didn't like it. Stubborn, overprotective bastard.

Lovely bastard.

Now he was sitting beside her, staring at Grunt as though the krogan was going to attack her again. He wasn't, they had settled that issue, but Garrus' feelings apparently got better of his common sense. Shepard considered bringing also someone else to make the atmosphere more bearable, but no-one wanted to have a quick trip to Tuchanka. Thus she was condemned to be a filter of Garrus' anger towards Grunt, and Grunt's anger towards everything that moved.

"So you've got a new love interest" the krogan suddenly said.

"What do you mean?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"That fancy rifle you've found on the Collector ship. You polish it more often than Garrus does with his own, and his rifle is the only thing he loves after all."

The turian chuckled and glanced at her quickly. Too quickly for Grunt to figure out why he did it, but long enough for Jane to understood what he meant. She grinned at him and returned her gaze to the krogan.

"It's not my 'love interest', it's just a sniper rifle" she disagreed. "By the way, it's called 'Widow'. That means it's her. And I don't have a thing for women."

Garrus laughed. "Liara was _so _disappointed."

"I hope this asari we're going to recruit won't be as useless as Liara was" Jane sighed and rose to her feet when the shuttle landed. "I trust you two can put your grudges aside during this mission. Right?"

Grunt shrugged and inspected his shotgun. "I don't have a grudge. He does."

"You tried to kill her... your commanding officer" the turian growled. "Don't expect me to trust you."

"Whatever."

"Easy, boys" Shepard said with a hint of warning in her voice. "Move out."

She thought she'd seen the worst example of the galactic junk, when they had been on Feros two years ago. Apparently, she was wrong, because Tuchanka turned out to be even worse. The planet was devastated by nuclear wars and auto- destructive attitude of the krogans. There was nothing to look at, just rubble, debris and ruins.

Despite the fact that the way to the main area was a short one, it was enough for Jane to make her regret she brought Garrus along. She heard krogans' comments about him, each one of them was worse than the previous one. Most of the commentaries were about various ways and means of death, or at least pain the krogans could inflict on him if they would have been able to do it. Garrus seemed not to care, as he was walking among them straightened, with the veil of the infinite turian pride and honour around him.

"Wait" a krogan guard stopped her right before she could call Wrex. She noticed his red carapace, but she wasn't spotted yet. "You must wait until the clan leader summons you. He is... in talks."

Jane was about to say what she thought about waiting, but she didn't have to.

"Shepard!"

Wrex's happy cry startled the guard and he almost jumped away, when the clan leader waved off a krogan he was talking to and hurried towards her.

"Shepard, my friend!"

Jane grinned widely, despite he almost crushed her bones when he shook his hand with her. "How've you been, Wrex? Looks like helping me stop Saren worked well for you. I'm glad we didn't have to kill each other on Virmire."

"You look well for dead, Shepard" the old krogan tilted his head. "I should have known the void wouldn't hold you."

She smirked, satisfied with even such a short conversation. They had always understood each other and she missed his simple, yet mostly useful hints and opinions.

Wrex grinned and approached Garrus. The guard's eyes almost popped at the sight of their handshake.

"You've become a clan leader" Vakarian flared his mandibles. "What should I call you now? 'Urdnot Wrex the First'? Or will 'krogan' do, as it used to?"

"Call me whatever you like to, turian, just don't try to insult me in the process. I'd have to kill you then, and I doubt would Shepard approve this."

"I wouldn't" she assured him with a wry smile.

"Some things just never change, huh?" he glanced at her. "Wherever you are, he is too. By the way, what did you do to your face, turian? Don't tell me you thought Shepard would fall for you because of the scars."

She rolled her eyes. _There we go..._

"Oh, that" Garrus waved his hand dismissively. "That was a gunship. Mercs on Omega thought it would stop me. They were wrong."

"Omega" Wrex repeated and regarded him doubtfully. "After that speech you'd delivered during Shepard's memorial service, I knew you'd try to find your own death. I wouldn't suppose you'd decide to do this in such a stupid way."

Jane swallowed. It was so weird to hear about her own _funeral_. It felt wrong. That reminded her about what her family and friends had been through two years ago. But...

"No-one told me you made a speech" she looked at Garrus.

"I'll explain later. I promise."

"Fine. But if you don't..." she let those words hang in the air and gain the importance. The turian scowled and nodded, much to Wrex's amusement.

"Throw him out of your bed if he doesn't keep the promise" he suggested.

"That's impossible. We're not sleeping together."

The krogan was looking at her a longwhile. In the end, she wanted to scream. To kill something, do _anything_, only to stop him staring at her.

"Shepard" he said at last, "you're quite smart for a human. Don't you tell me—"

"Can we stop talking about our sex life?" Garrus interrupted with a painfully obvious annoyance and embarrassment in his voice. "I don't know what the krogans think about it, but for the rest of the sapient races it's a _private _matter."

"I didn't know that something like 'your sex life' actually exists" Wrex grinned. "We're all friends here. Thus it'll stay among the friends."

"Uh-huh."

"Stop behaving as if I'm not here" Shepard barked at them and despite the racial differences, innocent and apologetic looks both of them gave her at the same time made them seem to be twins. She snickered at that, she just couldn't help it.

"Tell my only one thing" Wrex finally asked. "Did you dump Alenko?"

"Yes" she spluttered, and her angry words were momentarily accompanied by Vakarian's furious growl. It made the old krogan grin like an idiot.

"I don't know what you see in this turian, Shepard" he said in a surprisingly soft voice, "but I wish you luck. Both of you."

Jane nudged Garrus, who was staring at their former team-mate with his mouth hanging open. She fully understood his astonishment, though. She had been expecting teasing, mockery, laughter... maybe even disgust. What she hadn't expected, was Wrex's approval. It was almost as if something heavy was lifted up from her heart and thrown away. She really didn't care about the others' opinion, but it was damn good to hear 'good luck'.

She smiled at him. "Thank you, Wrex."

"Yeah, you're welcome" the old krogan shrugged and sat again in his oversized stone throne. "I knew it's going to end like this, so it's no surprise. But I doubt if you came here only to hear 'I told you so'."

Shepard gave a short, nervous laughter as he reminded her of the reason they visited Tuchanka. She turned around to look at Grunt, who was standing behind them, being as angry and defiant as always.

She had a feeling it was going to be a long day.

* * *

Among all those crazy things she ever did – escaping from the exploding volcanoes, destroying a geth colossus from a short distance while being armed only with the Collector Particle Beam, chasing the pyjacks in search of a data module, making a mass relay jump in the Mako and exploring the Citadel in Sovereign's shade – killing a tresher maw on foot was placed somewhere at the top of this list. To be honest, the statement itself sounded like an oxymoron – she'd laugh her head off is someone told her she'd have to kill the maw without the Mako and its rocket launcher. If not for the Widow and the Particle Beam – and her stupid, but quite innovative actions during the fight – they'd have been screwed.

Garrus was grumbling all the way back. On the _Normandy _as well, when – to the crewmen's joy – he carried her, despite her protests, to the med bay, so that Chakwas could dress her wounds and burns caused by the maw's acid.

All the days that followed became just an incoherent blur of images. Recruitments. Mission after mission, with a brief periods of sleep between them. Shepard remembered only flashes – throwing a merc out of a window. Drinking with Gianna Parasini and Liara until she had a blackout, and waking up with Joker in his bunk after that. Shooting Conrad Verner in the foot. Using her Spectre status to intimidate and extract information from a guy who thought that hiring Thane's son would be a good idea. Flooding the mind of some crazy, soul-sucker asari bitch with the images from Torfan and the Prothean beacons. And _dozens _more, which she couldn't even put in the right order.

Just like the one from a derelict Reaper. She remembered only endless streams of husks and a primal thrill of curiosity and excitement, caused by being _inside _ that dead thing. It would be so easy to pretend it was Sovereign and just shoot mindlessly around in an act of pointless, and yet satisfying revenge. She wasn't sure she hadn't done it. The only clear memory was the one of throwing an inactive geth in the direction of the _Normandy_.

She had swallowed her instinct of the killer and activated that thing... Legion. She had killed thousands of those and yet she suddenly realised she became fascinated after talking with it – him? them? – for hours. It made a decision to rewrite the 'heretics', as Legion called them, possible. It was the decision good tactically, but _so _difficult personally.

She remembered leaving the _Normandy_ in order to give EDI time to install the Reaper IFF, but how and why did they end up on Omega, she had no idea.

* * *

"I forgot how much I hate this place" Garrus muttered under his breath and Shepard had to lean forward to understand his words. She got a faint impression that it could be exactly the reason why he spoke so quietly.

Incoherent sounds pretending to be music were attacking her ears from everywhere. She wouldn't come to the _Afterlife _again if it was her own choice, but she had to look after her crazy team-mates. However, she doubted could it prevent Jack and Grunt from ripping the place apart, or Samara from killing Aria, if the justicar decided that the self-proclaimed ruler of Omega was corrupted beyond saving.

"Yeah, me too" she answered and took a sip of her beer. "I just hope no-one will recognise you. That would be bad."

"For that person, yes" he flared his mandibles in a huge, turian grin. She shook her head and resisted the urge of leaning her body against the comfortable couch and taking a nap. Some part of her was happy that they were going to use the Omega-4 relay in the next few hours. That meant she finally would rest.

Assuming she would survive the mission, of course.

"Aria's staring at us" Garrus murmured indifferently. Jane raised her head and looked in the direction of Aria's private lounge. She noticed an amused, knowing smirk twisting her lips, but it wasn't a problem. The asari wasn't that stupid to attack a Spectre and her company of armed, bloodthirsty subordinates.

"Maybe our queen likes turians" she said with a wry smile. "And you're quite a handsome one."

"Would you be that willing to hand me over to her?" he folded his arms. The very idea made her angry.

"Hell, no. I'd put a bullet in her head first. There's a turian in the lower section of the _Afterlife_, his name's Ogrinn... or something like that. He tried to pick me up by telling me he had a mate and a ship, but he brought only the ship here. If she wants a turian, I can send her to him, but I won't let her hit on _my _turian."

Garrus burst out laughing and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "If someone told me two years ago that I'm going to be 'your turian', I'd laugh that person off and run away to my apartment to hide my embarrassment and impossible hopes."

"I didn't mean—"

"It's okay" he interrupted her gently. "I like the idea of being your turian."

Shepard leaned her head against his shoulder and lost herself in thoughts. Mordin's information had been educational, but she wasn't going to have a degree in xenobiology. The files he had given her lacked the more important part – cultural and sociological aspects of relationships between turians.

She just didn't know what to expect.

"Tell me something, Garrus" she said at last. "Does every turian have the 'I-have-a-mate-and-a-ship-but' attitude? Or is it just Ogrinn?"

"It depends" he shrugged. "If a mate he talks about is just the mate, then there's nothing wrong. But if it's a bondmate... then that guy's a piece of shit without honour."

"So what's the difference?"

"When a turian's got a mate, the relationship is mostly short-lived. Having a bondmate means something permanent, often with a legal approval."

"Like a marriage" she guessed and decided to go on. "And what's it going to be in our case?"

He put his hands on both sides of her face and looked into her eyes with a solemnity visible in his own. "I don't care what you'll call it. I'm not interested in any other woman. Just you. You are my breath. My life. My death."

She felt her heart spinning and just threw her arms around his neck, desperate to savour the moment. Garrus murmured her name and pressed his forehead against her own, in that gesture he seemed to be so fond of. His hands slid to her waist, but she didn't have enough willpower to move back in order to save her reputation in the eyes of her team, or anyone else who might watch them. For once, she didn't care. What he said, broke her.

It didn't matter how long their relationship would last. She was sure it was worth to try. It could be one of the best experiences in her life.

"Why didn't you tell me you delivered a speech?"

He released her from his embrace and scowled. "Well, it's not exactly the most pleasant memory I've got."'

"That's why I'm asking."

"Your mother wanted someone from the _Normandy _to make a speech after her and Anderson" Garrus explained, tapping his fingers on the surface of the table. "Alenko volunteered, but the crew disagreed. They told her it should be me. And I agreed, much to Alenko's anger. I guess he had a feeling that I wanted to be someone more than just a friend to you."

"Then why Wrex said..." Shepard waved her head instead of finishing the sentence. It felt so surreal to talk about this.

Vakarian lowered his head. "I... prepared a speech, but I wasn't able to finish it. All I could force myself to tell was an old turian prayer for the dead. And after I said it, I realised it was one of the prayers for a bondmate, not for a friend. I guess Wrex's been around long enough to notice the difference."

Jane reached out and took his hand. "Tell me."

"You're not dead anymore" he whispered, his mandibles quivering.

"Please. I want to hear it."

"Very well" he sighed. "Turn your translator off. And yes, anticipating your question, two years ago I told them to do so as well."

Shepard activated her omni-toll and nodded after disabling the translating program. Garrus looked at her and she felt a pang of curiosity. She had never heard his natural voice, just like she had never seen him without the visor covering his left eye.

"_Viator!_" he finally started and the flanging in his voice was even stronger than before. His baritone was still extremely pleasant to hear, though. "_In flore aetatis de vita decessit. O, utinam spiritum tuum sequi possem, utinam tempus dolorem reparare possit! Quod tu, et ego; ubi tu, et ego."_

He lowered his head, sighed again and reached out to turn her translator back on. Jane rested her chin on her hand and looked at him, waiting for the translation that never came. His crystal blue eyes met the gaze of her own brown ones, and she felt herself drowning, hypnotised as always. She realised that when she didn't need to accentuate the importance of something – an action, a request, or anything really – she used to tend to avoid eye contact with him. Now she gave herself a moment to consider that. Had a part of her always known what she might have seen under the unwavering loyalty of his, or maybe was she afraid she would lose herself in these blue eyes of a sniper?

Hell if she knew.

Though she did know one thing for sure...

"You've got beautiful eyes, Garrus. Did I ever mention that?"

He chuckled. "No, never. Am I supposed to be flattered, or are you just trying to drag me into your bed?"

"A little bit of both, I believe" she grinned, although inwardly she had to push aside an unnamed fear caused by the fact that when they were going to have sex for the first time, it would end this weird period of researching and dancing around the subject. After that, there were three possible ways: the first one making them run away from each other, the second one doing the same, only later, and the third one allowing them to find something worthwhile in this cruel universe. She almost couldn't see the third one.

"In that case..." Garrus stood up and extended his hand. "Come on, I know a better place which we can spend our last hours in."

She let him help her rise to her feet, even though she didn't need that. An excitement and expectations mixed with a huge amount of dreading anxiety had settled inside her mind and heart, but she couldn't get rid of them. She had to admit that she was pleased with the _status quo_ – with them both being more than friends and less than lovers – but she also knew it _had _to change, and that inevitable change was what scared her.

She got used to the loneliness and now getting emotionally attached to someone was one of her greatest fears, if not the greatest one. But she decided to try to change it and she wasn't going to run away now, just because she was a little bit nervous of taking their relationship to the more intimate level.

"Give me a moment" she told Garrus and approached a table which Tali, Thane, Kasumi and Samara were sitting at. All of them greeted her with smiles.

"Why were you alone in that corner?" Tali asked and for a moment Shepard wasn't sure was the quarian kidding, or did she really mean it. "You could drink here, with us."

"I figured out you'd like to spend some time alone, without your commanding officer watching you" she smiled. _And I wanted to be with the man I care for, because these may be our last hours alive. _"Samara, would you mind keeping an eye on the rest of our insane team? I'm going to take a breath of fresh air."

"Don't worry, Commander, I'll make sure they don't do anything stupid" the justicar bowed her head slightly.

"Thank you" Jane smiled gratefully and turned around to leave.

"Have fun!" Kasumi cried out cheerfully, loud enough for Garrus to hear. She was perceptive indeed.

The turian shot her a killing glare, but he was too far away from the table to make a desirable impression on the thief.

"Let's get out of here" Shepard groaned as soon as she met him near the exit.

He grabbed her hand and grinned. "Follow me."

"Where are we going?" she asked, when they left the _Afterlife _and melted into the crowds in the streets of Omega. She didn't like them any more than Aria's club, but at least there was no music here. The stench was still the same, though.

"I still have a flat here" Garrus announced, steering her flawlessly through the multiracial throng. Jane noticed that some people kept glancing at him. She realised it was his scars and the yellow emblem on his armour that caught their eyes. Shit, they could recognise him as Archangel.

The last thing she needed right now was a full-scale brawl.

"How could you live here?"

"I didn't plan to stay on Omega" he explained. "It just... happened. The point is I didn't have time to sell the flat yet, so we can go there, check if everything's all right... and have a few moments just for us."

"That's..." she had to swallow, because her throat suddenly became dry, "an interesting idea."

He gave her a strange look. "You don't seem very interested. Listen, Jane, if you don't—"

"Garrus" she cut him off. Damn it, he knew her too well. "I _do_."

The turian squeezed her hand and the next few minutes passed in the heavy silence. She wondered when was the last time she was so nervous. She kept telling herself she didn't have to worry, because it was _Garrus_, for crying out loud. And yet she was worried, she couldn't help it.

Probably because it was Garrus.

Shepard was so lost in her thoughts, that she bumped into him when he stopped abruptly. Her hand went to the pistol holstered on her hip in an old, always present habit.

"It's okay" he said, noticing her gesture. "I just realised I'd like to deliver a message. It'll take only a moment."

"Go ahead" she smiled reassuringly, hearing the nerves in the turian's voice. He nodded and approached one of the doors in this block of flats they were passing through. She wasn't sure should she follow him, but hell, the curiosity got better of her. She didn't know who would he like to speak with. His team was dead, after all.

He pushed the call button and waited. After a while the door was opened by a young woman. Her eyes widened. "G-Garrus?"

Jane saw Vakarian opening his mouth in utter shock, when he noticed the woman's pregnancy.

"Nalah."


	17. Chapter 17

All of the efforts Shepard had made, all of the talks and things she had done to drag Garrus out of the hole of those two miserable years, came to nothing and became a complete waste when he saw pregnant Nalah Butler. It broke him, she noticed this in his eyes and the way his mandibles were clamped to the sides of his jaw. A while ago he grasped her hand and didn't let go ever since.

"I didn't know" he said once again. She couldn't remember how many times he repeated that. "Had I known..."

When Nalah Butler finally stopped crying, she invited them both inside. Now she was in the kitchen, preparing something to drink, and Jane's mind was racing to figure out what she could do to get the turian back on a road to let the guilt go.

"How could he leave her knowing she's pregnant?"

She put a hand on his cheek and turned his head around to look into his eyes. "You couldn't have known. And you did _nothing _wrong. It's just a shitty coincidence."

"It's not helping" he scowled.

"Because that's the truth. The truth never helps."

He apparently wanted to answer, but Nalah came from the kitchen with a cup of tea in one hand and a glass of water in another. She gave the water to Garrus, the tea to Shepard and sat in an armchair in front of them.

"I'm sorry I made such a scene" she gave an embarrassed smile. "I thought those mercs killed you."

"Just a useful story" Vakarian explained. "But it's been close, that's for sure."

Jane closed her eyes for a moment. She didn't want to remember _how _close. She didn't want to remember the blood and the fear of losing him.

"I'm happy to see you, of course" Nalah looked questioningly at him, "but... why did you come, Garrus? I mean, the last time you just sent me a message."

"I wanted to tell you that I avenged your husband, but considering your current... state, I doubt if it helps."

The woman put both hands on her belly and was silent for a while. Shepard cursed inwardly. People living dangerous lives should never decide to have children.

"Garrus, it wasn't your fault."

"Your husband is dead!" he yelled. "You're expecting a child. Alone, without work. So don't tell me it's not my fault, because it is! Because I should've never let him join my team."

"No, it's not" Jane growled, before Nalah could answer. "You couldn't have read Sidonis' mind. And her husband should've stayed with her. He didn't, so he was an idiot, but don't blame yourself for that. Please. It is _not _your fault, Garrus."

"Mark didn't know I'm pregnant" Butler said in a quiet voice. Shepard felt her jaw dropping in astonishment. "I wasn't sure myself those days. I didn't want to give him a false hope, so I was... waiting."

"Oh, for crying out loud, that's insane!"

A moment of heavy silence followed and in the turian's quivering mandibles she noticed a growing annoyance. Finally. She was thrilled to see anything else than guilt and sorrow.

"You knew you might be pregnant" Vakarian started slowly, "but you let him stay on my team despite that every mission could be his last one? How could you, Nalah?"

Shepard took a mental note about it. It seemed that for married turians – _bondmates, Jane, he called them bondmates_ – keeping secrets concerning their relationship was an unimaginable idea. Not that she wanted to marry him, but she had to admit that it was a useful attitude.

"Mark was so happy that he could be part of your team. How could I take it from him?"

"Sometimes one ought to be selfish" the turian said seriously.

"It doesn't change anything" the woman smiled faintly. "Thank you for the message, Garrus. And... How have you been? You disappeared so suddenly."

"I'm good" he nodded and took Shepard's hand. "Everything's all right since Jane's back."

Butler's eyes widened. "Oh my god, you're Commander Shepard! I'm sorry, those scars on your face... I didn't recognise you."

That was a revelation. If the scars made her not so easily recognisable, maybe she would leave them as they were. The last thing she needed was a horde of reporters following her once again. Not when she finally learnt how to value privacy and calm.

"It's okay. I prefer to be anonymous as long as I can."

"But" the puzzlement appeared on Nalah's face, "you were... dead."

Jane sighed. "It's complicated."

"I see."

There was the next moment of awkward silence as neither of them knew what to say. Shepard suspected that Garrus had been more familiar with Butler than with his wife. After all, he never was too skilled in making friends with people.

As if sensing her discomfort, Vakarian downed his water and stood up. "I think it's time for us to leave. We've got a dangerous mission ahead of us and we need to... prepare."

Jane smirked hearing this, but she also felt a familiar anxiety about what they were going to do. Shit, if she knew she'd be nervous like a teenage virgin, she'd drink much more.

"Of course" Nalah rose to her feet and looked at her. "Take care of him, Commander. He'd done a lot for me and my husband."

"Don't worry. I will."

* * *

Garrus' flat was located not much farther, but it turned out to be bigger and relatively luxurious for Omega standards. It actually had a living room, a bedroom, a kitchen and a bathroom, not just one large room acting as the three of those with an addition of a small bathroom separated from the main area. Shepard noticed similarities to his old apartment on the Citadel – furniture limited to minimum, lots of empty spaces and no visible personal things. Or maybe he had just taken all those personal things from here when he had moved out.

She put all of her weapons on a table and sat down on a couch, trying to relax. Granted, she had always been a bit anxious and excited when it had come to the first sex with another new partner, but those feelings were never so... strong. Maybe because all those partners were just a way to recover from stress. Or maybe because she actually knew Garrus and cared for him.

She thought she forgot what it's like to care for someone. And fate, that little fickle bitch, made her care for the guy who was her best friend, as if to see would she manage to turn that friendship into something better and lasting, or was she going to ruin it and lose him just like she had lost so many people before.

She was going to be ready to sacrifice everything, only not to lose him. Not because of what they were about to start, but what they had already had. Understanding. Trust. Harmony.

Bond.

Jane sighed and looked at Garrus, who was standing near the window and staring mindlessly at nothing in particular. He was quiet since they left Butler's flat. The guilt in his eyes was now completely gone, though, replaced by anger and something what looked like disappointment.

"Are you okay?"

He lowered his head. "Yeah. I'm okay. I just can't believe she didn't tell him about the child... even if she wasn't sure. Had he known, he'd have stayed with her. He'd be alive now."

She stood up and approached him. She gave herself a while of consideration and embraced him hesitantly. He pulled her closer in a desperate, quick movement, so apparently her decision was the right one.

"Why didn't she tell him?" he murmured into her hair.

"Dwelling on the past won't change anything. You _have _to let it go, Garrus. You can't live with the guilt. It changes people."

He raised his head to look at her. "Do I have the right to let go of the guilt? My team—"

"The death of your team isn't your fault. Never was. You didn't pull the trigger. You didn't call the mercs. You had no way of knowing that Sidonis would betray you. He did, but you avenged you team. You gave them retribution. They wouldn't want you to live in the shade of the past. _Let it go_."

Those were the words she had never heard. Gestures she had never received. Actions that would have prevented her from becoming who she was, but which she had never experienced. However, he was still before the point of no return and she could stop the process. Maybe it would even help her to crawl out of her own abyss some day. She had to do this, because if she didn't, she'd ultimately hurt him and that was unacceptable.

Garrus took her hand and guided her to the couch again. Shepard didn't waste time on thinking and sat in his lap, feeling his arms folding around her back.

"This is new" he mused and she smiled mischievously, despite her own fears and uncertainties.

"Someone has to make the first move."

"You know, I wanted to sell this flat to be able to add something to your house on Virmire" he confessed. "I guess it would be enough only for a window, or a door, but I wanted to do this nevertheless."

It took all of her willpower not to run away. "I didn't know you're so... serious about us."

"I'm sorry, I know it's too early for this" he looked at the floor, "but I should be honest with you. I want this... us... to be something more than just one-night stand or a way to blow off steam. I don't know if we can make this work, but I'm going to try as long as I can. What happened two years ago, showed me that there's only one potential bondmate for me. As stupid as it sounds, this person's a human. You."

_Run, Jane. Run before you lose control of the situation._

_Shut up, brain._

He wanted this – whatever 'this' was – to be something permanent, or at least long-lasting. And she really didn't know the better person she could try something permanent with.

"It'll be better if you buy a bed" she smirked. "I think all the windows and doors should be the same, and I just don't trust you with the décor."

Garrus opened his mouth, closed it and opened again. "I've... got quite a good taste, you know?"

"Yeah, when it comes down to choose a classy antique shop for a firefight" she chuckled and he growled.

"That too... But I've been thinking more about my good taste in choosing a mate."

She poked him in the chest. "You think so highly of yourself, don't you?"

"Well, even the mighty Commander Shepard couldn't resist my charm" the turian grinned. "That's the best reason for me to do so, don't you think?"

Jane smiled. He managed to joke, so that meant he wasn't thinking about his squad now. Some part of her mind wanted him to think about nobody else but her – at least when they were together.

She gave him a challenging look. "And who said I couldn't resists your charm?"

Garrus flared his mandibles in a roguish grin and lowered his head to nuzzle her. Shepard relaxed and smiled dreamily, only to gasp and grab his shoulders a moment later, for he suddenly traced his tongue up her neck to lap her auricle.

"_I_ said that" he announced as he looked at her. Something in his eyes made her flush and want more. Shit, she really _couldn't _resist, but no way in hell she was going to admit it.

Instead, she leaned closer to kiss his scarred cheek, knowing that it was more sensitive without the protective cartilage covering the rest of his face – at least in places where the nerves weren't damaged. He gave a low growl and his hands slid to his waist. Or, to be honest, she thought so.

"Fuck" she hissed through the gritted teeth and stood up. "I don't feel anything. Wait a sec, I need to remove this armour."

"No" he caught his wrist and also rose to his feet. _What the hell do you mean, no—_"Let me."

Jane hesitated for a moment, but in the end she nodded her acceptance. Garrus approached her slowly, his gaze transfixed on her and making her legs weak. This was it, the last moment when she could turn around and run away. She didn't; she kept looking into his eyes when he was undoing the clasps of her armour, carefully, one by one. His slow movement made her throat dry. He managed to turn such a simple action into a celebration, and she began to recognise a familiar warm feeling of a building desire.

She moaned, when he moved his hands up and down her back to grip her waist.

"Better?" the turian whispered to her ear, his warm breath ghosting against the skin of her neck.

"Definitely" she rasped, as he licked her neck again. She wanted to kiss him despite he didn't have lips, but that could wait. What she really needed to do, was to get rid of the rest of her clothes. "Now's my turn, isn't it?"

Fortunately, Shepard knew how to strip him off his armour. She had to do this countless times – mostly on the battlefield in order to patch up his wounds. Granted, that was probably the reason why they were able to undress each other without problems.

"So" she said in a low voice, as soon as she got him dressed only in his bodysuit, "considering how often you touch my waist, there must be something about it."

She put her hands on his back and slid them down to brush her palms against the gap just above his hips. Garrus gasped, moaned and started purring, so she chuckled and pressed harder, feeling that his waist mostly lacked the plating. His purrs slowly changed into a constant growl, and after a while he began to nibble on her neck and shoulders. She expected this to be painful – all those sharp teeth of his – but she figured out he was using his hard mouth rather than teeth. And he tried to be careful, which effected in a maddening, delightful stream of impulses enforcing her desire.

Shepard gritted her teeth, determined not to give up so easily, and she raised one hand to put it on that soft skin near his fringe. That was it – he yelped and stopped nibbling, apparently unable to concentrate on anything when she was caressing both his waist and neck.

"Jane" he pleaded in a so husky voice, that she almost couldn't recognise it.

"Scoped and dropped" she giggled and brushed her lips against his mandible. Garrus growled and caught her off-guard by lifting her up. She wasn't used to lose the initiative and control so suddenly, and before she could react she found herself in the bedroom, lying on the bed with the turian on top of her. At this very moment she was feeling defenceless, like a prey of a predator.

His eyes shone as he licked her neck again. "Scoped and dropped indeed."

Shepard shivered when his hands found their way to the zip of her suit. He slowly pulled it down and slid one hand inside, to trace the line of her rib cage. His palm was unimaginably warm, and she started moaning as he was exploring her body, carefully, but not tentatively. His touch made her shudder, and she gave a surprised cry when he finally touched her breast – and when she already lost the hope he would ever do that.

Garrus chuckled devilishly, kneeled on the floor and encouraged her to sit. Jane forced herself to keep her eyes open and stare at him, when he slid the suit from her shoulders and let it fall. That hungry look appeared in his shining eyes again, as he moved his hands to her back to take off the bra. She resisted the urge of doing this herself and dragging him back onto the bed.

"It looks like you have a human fetish after all" she said, when he tossed aside the bra and pulled her closer.

"I don't" he shook his head and touched gently her hardened nipples. She yelped and sighed, closing her eyes. Her hands, though, wandered to the zip of the turian's bodysuit. "I have a _Shepard_ fetish, and that's the fundamental difference."

She moaned and grabbed his shoulders, when he began to stimulate her breasts with his hands and tongue. She didn't remember the last time a man had made her wriggle under his touch, when he had made her unable to move or say anything. Garrus seemed to be pleased with her reaction and she almost felt him smiling. He was learning the shape of her body, her sensitive areas and how and where to touch to turn her on. He made her burn and want more, so she groaned and hauled him onto the bed.

"I thought humans like foreplay" he murmured into her neck, while one of his hands was working on the lower part of her suit.

"Yeah" she whispered between deep breaths, "mostly. Right now though I'm more interested in the tie-breaker itself."

_Please, don't let me change my mind. Don't let me run away from you._

He grinned. "As you wish."

"_Commander Shepard?_" her discarded ear-piece crackled from somewhere on the floor. The voice seemed to be EDI's.

"For crying out loud!" she yelled, but Garrus just put a hand on her thigh.

"You're not going anywhere" he growled. "They can wait."

"I don't intend to answer."

Jane pushed him onto his back and positioned herself on top of him. The smug smile twisting her lips made him groan and roll over, reversing the situation.

"You'd like to have control?" he mused, accentuating his words with gentle strokes down her sides.

"I already _have_ control" she smiled and wrapped her legs around his waist. He gasped and allowed her to shove him onto his back again. This time, he accepted the position.

"_Commander Shepard, please respond._"

"Jane, what if it's something import—ahh."

She chuckled and nibbled his mandible again. "Shut up, sunshine, and stop worrying."

He obliged willingly and when she started trailing kisses down his neck, his hands moved from her back to her waist, then hips and...

"_Commander Shepard, there is an emergency, please respond."_

She jolted out of the bed and violently picked up her ear-piece. "This better be important, or I'll blow up you sorry AI core when I return."

"_My apologies for interrupting, but we were attacked. The Collectors abducted the crew, only Jeff is left... and he is wounded._"

Shepard felt her blood getting cold and that was truly miraculous, given how hot it was mere seconds ago. The Collectors attacked the _Normandy_. Again. And what the hell happened to Joker?

She glanced apologetically at Garrus, who got up and zipped up his suit hastily. She did the same and looked around in search of her armour. Ah yes, it was somewhere in the living room.

"We're on our way, EDI."

"_Understood, Shepard, Thank you._"

That gave her a moment of pause. Since when was the AI thanking for anything? And there was something unusual in her voice, but what was that? Whatever happened during the attack of the Collectors, couldn't be good.

"The first think I'm going to do on the _Normandy, _is to have a long, _very _cold shower" the turian muttered under his breath, mirroring her own thoughts. Her muscles were trembling with an unsatisfied sexual tension. The shower was the only solution. Unless...

"I've got a better idea" she announced in a hoarse voice. "Once we get back, we'll finish what we started."


	18. Epilogue: Be All My Sins Remember'd

A/N: Title of this chapter comes from _StarGate: Atlantis,_ which belongs to MGM.

* * *

Shepard was standing in the bathroom, eyes closed and arms limp at her sides. Hot streams of water from the shower were running down her body, blocking thoughts and unwanted feelings.

They were gone. Her crew, her friends. All gone.

Just because she agreed to leave. Now she had the ship without crew, controlled by the unshackled AI of which most programs were based on Sovereign's software, the stressed pilot with broken bones, who was being kept aware only by painkillers, and only few hours of life left. Of course she was announcing that she was going through the Omega 4 relay with the intention of coming back to tell everyone what was behind it, but deep inside her soul, in a dark place no-one could look at, she had no illusions about the chances of survival.

Those were slim.

And yet it wasn't the worst thing. The worst was the awareness that she failed her crew when they needed her more than ever. And it hurt like hell, because the captain should never fail – unless he or she wasn't worth of keeping that title. Apparently, she wasn't.

Jane gritted her teeth and punched the wall forcefully. Blood from her knuckles merged with water and pain cleared her mind from all thoughts. Not for long, though.

She muttered a curse under her breath and turned the shower off. There was no point in depleting water supplies, even if no-one was going to need them anymore. Then she was standing there a long while, before her mind finally forced her to get dressed.

* * *

_A little girl runs through the corridors of SSV _Einstein_ with her arms spread and a model of a ship in each hand. The girl is small and thin, a ponytail is jumping funny at the back of her head. Her eyes are pools of brown light, big and shining, and making people smile._

_Look at her and do it well._

"_Wrooooom!" the girl screams as she runs. "Citadel control, Alliance ships are requesting permission to dock, get that turian fleet out of our way!"_

_Alice Dean, the navigator, takes a step and catches the girl. She gives a surprised squeak, then bursts out laughing. _

"_Hello, little general" Alice giggles. "Where are you running so fast?"_

"_To the Citadel" the girl shows her the models she's holding. "And the turian fleet doesn't want to move aside. I'm gonna kick their asses!"_

_The navigator lets the girl stand on her feet. "I hope you know we're no longer at war, don't you, little general? And who taught you that word, by the way?"_

"_I know" the girl stares at her, blinking. "But Mister engineer said doesn't matter, because the turians are just waiting to kick our asses, so we have to kick their asses first."_

_Alice realises that the girl became quite fond of this expression and shakes her head. She scowls and crouches in front of her to look the girl in the eyes. "Listen, there was time when people like me, who had a different colour of their skin were also considered to be worse than others. There was no reason for that. Just like there's no reason to think that the turians are worse than us. They're not. They're not better too. They're just different. And thank the universe for that, because the galaxy inhabited only by humans would be endlessly boring. Don't you think?"_

"_But the turians hate us."_

"_No. The older ones may not like us, and that's understandable. But the younger ones... and the kids, like you... they should be free of the menace of the war. It's up to your generation to find out what our races will do. Unity is strength. Remember this, Jane Shepard. If you ever find a turian friend, think about my words. Don't waste your time on pointless hate without reason. And hating someone just because they're of a different race _is _pointless."_

_The girl is looking at her, solemn, drinking in Alice's speech. She may be young, but she's not stupid. Quite the opposite – she's really smart for her age. Maybe because of being raised in space, on one ship or another. Or maybe because there aren't many children around here, so she talks only with adults. But it doesn't really matter – the point is that Alice Dean knows her speech wasn't pointless and unheard, and now she understands why children of soldiers are considered to be the future of the Alliance._

_

* * *

_

"Hey, I brought wine... Best I could afford on a vigilante's salary."

Shepard smiled, when she saw Garrus standing by the door. It was a faint and forced smile, the only one she could give him right now, but a smile nevertheless.

"So... if you were a turian, I'd be complimenting your waits, or your fringe, so your... uh... hair looks good and your waist is... very supportive."

She tilted her head, surprised. Why did he become so nervous? Back there on Omega – what was few hours ago, but seemed like an eternity – he was confident and happy. Maybe that was it – the time. Time giving just another moment to reconsider. Time allowing the second thoughts to emerge and torment, and thwart, and maul. Time telling how crazy that whole idea was.

Of course, she had her doubts too, that was nothing weird. But the time for consideration had passed, at least for her. There was no way back – if she decided to reject him, it would crush him, and losing him was not an option.

She just wouldn't – couldn't – do that to him. Not now. Not ever.

"Come on, Garrus" she took a step closer. "We've already been through the foreplay. Why so hesitant now?"

_Don't tell you've changed your mind._

He fixed his eyes on the floor. She knew his body language well enough to recognise that he wasn't about to do something unpleasant either for her, or for himself. He was just anxious. Expecting rejection, perhaps? Could be anything, but for some reason she was sure that he wasn't going to tell her 'Let's forget about the issue, I don't want to ruin our friendship'.

"I just... I've seen so many things go wrong, Shepard. My work at C-Sec, what happened with Sidonis..."

Her smile disappeared as if blown off by the wind. When was the last time he admitted that something was wrong with his life? Two years ago, that's for sure. New Garrus – Archangel – was avoiding talking about his life at all cost. In fact, they were both fighting their inner demons to conquer their fears and at least try to act like they had been acting before she died. But maybe that was a mistake; maybe they had to give up and find a way to leave the hell of the previous two years behind their backs and create a new life. Maybe together it would be better.

"I want something to go right" Garrus shook his head helplessly, his voice full of desperation. "Just once. Just..."

Jane touched his scarred cheek, causing the turian to inhale a shuddering breath. He lowered his head; she mimicked his gesture and their foreheads touched. She still didn't manage to grasp the meaning of this turian display of affection, there was something that was slipping between her fingers when she was trying to determine the importance of 'forehead-to-forehead'. Right now she was sure of one thing.

No rejection. No leaving. Not now.

Garrus wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, and she allowed herself to drown in the heat of his body. She allowed herself to stop thinking about the Collectors and the Reapers. To forget about the world. Just once.

"Is this wine by any chance one of those miracles of modern science that allows it to be safe for both of us?" she asked after a while. Garrus straightened himself, took her hand and guided her to the couch.

"Yes" he answered. "That's why I bought only one bottle. It's horribly expensive."

Shepard took the glasses and held them when he was pouring the liquid. "Thank you for the thought, but you didn't have to buy it."

"I wanted to."

She smiled and tasted the wine. It was strangely sweet and had a flavour she couldn't recognise, but it was good. She raised the glass and looked at the turian. "To us, then."

He clinked his glass against hers. "To us."

There was a moment of comfortable silence, when she could just lean against side, drink the wine and enjoy the moment. She could be Jane, a woman, a person. Not the Commander Shepard, the Butcher of Torfan and the Saviour of the Galaxy. Those were only masks she was putting on while leaving her quarters.

"Jane?" Garrus's voice was a gentle murmur caressing her senses.

"Hmm?"

"May I ask you something?"

"Sure."

He cleared his throat. "Jane, why... Why me?"

She sat upright and looked at him. "Why are you asking that?"

"Well, you could have every male from the crew" he shrugged. "From the team as well. The only thing Thane's talking about is how siha keeps coming to him to have conversations. Jacob continues asking me if I know how to pick you up. When I say it's difficult and you tend to keep men at a distance, he's grinning and saying something about 'the priiiize'."

Shepard imagined Taylor telling that and snickered. She just couldn't help it.

"Or Joker, who's so damn proud of himself that you ended up in his bed, when you were so drunk that you couldn't find a way to your own room. And I don't know if I'm supposed to laugh at them and announce that you're mine, or announce that you're mine and kill them all for their disrespect towards their bonded commanding officer."

She tilted her head. "So I'm 'yours' now? That's new."

His mandibles were quivering as he averted his gaze. "It's just a figure of speech, Commander."

_Back to 'Commander'. He's nervous. Ease up, Jane._

"I'd like to think that it'll be true someday."

Her instinct ordered her to run. She resisted. She had read about the turians' tendency towards possessiveness. They could work this out if necessary, but later. Teaching Garrus how humans were handling their relationships was not on today's agenda.

"Unless you go too far, I'm okay with that" she assured him and chuckled. "So they're asking you for help, thinking that you're just my best friend. How ironic."

Was she really so blind that she didn't notice things she should have? That was disturbing. Hadn't she been so tired...

"So, why me?"

Shepard took his hand. "Garrus, you should know."

"I know I'm your best friend, but that doesn't create a working relationship."

"I know you won't leave me. I know you won't hurt me. I trust you with my life. If that's not enough, I just don't know what else is required to create 'a working relationship'."

He squeezed her hand and his eyes found her gaze. "What about love, Jane?"

"We're both too old to believe that love's a solution and an excuse for everything, don't you think, Garrus? I'm on a good way to fall in love with you someday, but now I trust you and that's more important to me than a blind infatuation. Does it bother you?"

"No" he flared his mandibles in a smile. "Because I didn't reach the love stage myself yet. We'll have plenty of time to learn how to love each other, if you don't run away from me."

Jane scowled, but didn't deny it. He knew her too well.

"I'll try, Garrus" she promised and he nuzzled her neck.

"I know" he whispered into her hair and looked at her, so she could see playful sparks dancing in his blue eyes which became so dear to her. "Let's finish what we started, shall we?"

* * *

A woman that was once girl lies on a double bed, with her lips curved in a smile and hands caressing her lover's neck. Her brown eyes are closed; eyes that usually make people look away in fear, or at least uncertainty. Brown eyes that used to shine with the reflected light, but now are creating the glow themselves, red glimpses of cybernetic implants installed there to allow the woman to see again. The light skin of her face and the left side of her torso is criss-crossed by scars, also revealing red, glowing cybernetics. She doesn't care about them; truth to be told, she has already forgotten and now remembers only when she looks in the mirror.

There's a turian too, snuggled up against the woman, exploring her body and whispering something into her ear. His skin is brown and his plates and small scales are silver, reflecting the light just like the woman's eyes so long ago. Jagged scar marks the right side of his face and neck, but he doesn't seem to care. There's no reason to care about something that can't be undone. Two long years ago, he's been wondering what it would be like to hold her, caress her and love her, to make her his. Now he can experience this and it's better than dreams, better than impossible hopes. He buries his face in her hair, inhales the scent of her skin and suddenly he knows that there won't be any other woman, never, only this human who looks so fragile and vulnerable compared to himself.

Look at them, the woman and the turian, and do it well.

Look at them, when the turian gives up on efforts to control desire boiling in his blood, and enters the woman's body in the most intimate way. When he's fucking her, loving her, making her his and giving himself to her. Look at them, when the woman pulls him even closer, accepting what he's offering to her and doing the same, merging their bodies and souls. When she sinks her teeth in his neck in an atavistic impulse; it's the only thing she can do, because at this one precious moment she has lost her ability to speak, to scream, even to breathe and think. When she finally collapses onto her back as the fire burning in her nerves subsides, when she pants, clinging to her turian lover as tightly as he clings to her.

Look at them, the woman and the turian, because despite they know all too well about the hell that awaits them, they've just found their own part of heaven, a little piece of eternity that it's theirs and theirs only. Look at them and let them be, let them pretend it would last forever.

Because this forever is very much theirs too.

.

.

**THE END**

* * *

**Author's note, the final one:** I had other plans for this chapter – I've even started writing that first version; only the first paragraph survived and you've just read it a while ago since it's the same first paragraph I used here – but my writer's instincts bent me to their will. For good or for bad, I can't say. All I can say is: it's done. Not many details, I know, but I wanted to write something different than all those stories about 'what happened before the Omega 4 relay and after Bioware gave a forehead-to-forehead to us'. And you know, describing only sex and nothing more isn't really challenging.

So here I'd like to thank those of you who decided to give my story a chance and were stuck with me till this very end. All of you who read, added the story to alert list and reviewed it – I owe you an astral beer.


End file.
